I was feeling really panicked two weeks ago and wanted to harm myself and I reached out to my friend who I’ve had for 13 years. I’ve been there for her when she felt suicidal, when her dad died, when her husband had a sex addiction, when she was thinking of divorce. I even went to her sex addiction anonymous group with her. She was my best friend for my first few years of college. We have been friends all this time and we got into one awkward conversation when I confronted her and saw she was going on a trip to Vegas with all of her girlfriends, over a year ago. I told her it makes me sad that she only has time to grab coffee with me and has to pencil me in on her calendar months in advance, but I see that she’s always going above and beyond for her other friends and sometimes it makes me feel like she doesn’t care about me. I would always invite her to dinner or to my parties and she would always decline. She specifically wanted to get coffee and only that. And it just made me sad. On top of that she also didn’t invite me to her wedding but she would talk about her wedding in front of me and it made me sad, and then every time I saw her it would be like a therapy session and she would unload these incredibly heavy things on me but then not include me in any other way in her life. So I brought up these things to her and I guess she must have felt attacked and decided not to talk to me. I told her that I feel that she comes to me only when she needs to vent and talk about heavy things and it makes me feel disposable because I try to be close with her and I don’t know how when I just see her for a 20 minute coffee every three months. Anyway, I contacted her like a month later and profusely apologized and told her that I was sorry and she said it wasn’t a big deal and forgave me. Since that awkward conversation we have gotten coffee again, we had sushi, she even told me she wanted to go dancing with me and plan a trip together and she was sending me weight loss tips and inspirational quotes. So I contacted her two weeks ago because I hadn’t heard from her for a long time and I was worried but I was also starting to feel suicidal and I needed someone to talk to and I felt she understood me because she’s felt that way too. I texted her and tried calling her multiple times and she ignored me for three days and it started reinforcing my feelings of abandonment and feeling unloved. I started texting her saying please call me I’m not in a good place right now and I feel like I did something wrong, I see that you’re online, maybe you changed your number. I’ve been trying to reach you it would mean a lot to me if you could please call me. If I did something wrong I would really appreciate it if you could let me know and I will take full ownership. She literally completely ignored me, for no reason. I hadn’t heard from her for two weeks. Yesterday I reached out again and she texts me and goes, I talked about you to my therapists and numerous other people and even journaled about you and I realized that our friendship wasn’t something I was into to begin with and wasn’t really interested in anyway so it made it really hard for me to want to see you or spend time with you. I realized that every time I saw you I felt like a shitty person because you’re so nice and you’ve been there for me and you’re always so kind and saying the sweetest things but I  don’t want to be in this friendship anymore because it makes me feel like a bad friend.  And she was like I’ve been thinking about this for months, And I’m sorry to myself that I forced myself to be in a friendship for your sake when I really wasn’t into it, and I should have been more honest with myself. And then she tells me that up until I contacted her today she thought of still being my friend and having a “light” friendship but because I contacted her today, she’s changed her mind and doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I tried to text her a few more times apologizing and saying that I want to make things right and that this really triggers my feelings of abandonment and it makes me so confused and unloved because she never indicated that there was ever any problem, and it’s incredibly painful for me and I don’t understand where this is coming from because she literally asked me to go on a trip with her and we got sushi and she kept saying how grateful she was for me and she continued opening up to me about getting a divorce and sharing all these heavy things. I had no idea she didn’t have any desire to be my friend. I felt like she just strung me along believing everything was ok, and then out of nowhere she decides to completely ignore me and not talk to me anymore especially during a moment of need when I was suffering and so upset. Her then only response to my emotional and vulnerable texts was was “Youre too much for me, I’m working right now” I just literally cried for eight hours. I couldn’t stop crying. I woke up this morning crying. I don’t understand. Everything was fine and we were hanging out and texting each other positive things and then she just decides that she doesn’t want anything to do with me and tells me that she’s felt this way for months but didn’t want to admit it to herself and only hung out with me because she saw how much I wanted to hang out with her and she did it for my sake. She made me feel like it was ok to trust her and talk to her as she had to me about her struggles and I come to her one day begging for her to call me for three days and even when I am suffering like on the verge suicide she completely ignores me. And I contacted her yesterday saying that I don’t understand what happened and why she won’t talk to me and it makes me so sad and I’ve tried in every way to reach her, and confessed that I hadnt been doing well and was feeling suicidal and I came to her because I missed her and trusted her and wanted to talk and she was like yeah I didn’t want to talk to you. Like I could be dead right now and she wouldn’t fucking care. She just responds with, I had my reasons for not wanting to talk to you, I don’t want to be your friend anymore, you make me feel like a bad friend and I’m not really into this friendship and wasn’t to begin with. How does someone talk to someone who is hurting so much in that way, during a pandemic, and when that person says they have felt suicidal? She didn’t care how I felt at all she talked to me like I was a pest, like I was a nuisance. Like “leave me alone I’m busy you’re interfering with my boundaries stop talking I’m working” kind of way. I don’t understand. I feel like I’m just going to lose everyone I was so excited to have her in my life and for her to be making these efforts to see me and I realized it was all a lie. I try so hard to be a good person. I try so fucking hard and I give and give and give and do everything for others when they are in pain. Why does this keep happening to me? What did I do that was so terrible??