Borderline Personality Disorder Community Group
For people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, or family dealing with someone who has been diagnosed. BPD is an extremely difficult mental illness to deal with and I am hoping to be able to share experiences, advice and support to help people living with it.
Although not officially diagnosed I think my wife of four years may have BPD. I am a retired pastor. I married Michelle after being widowed for ten years. She comes from two failed marriages with highly abusive narcissistic men and a traumatic childhood. For me, the allure of a whip-smart drop dead sexy and exciting woman with ferocious impulses was tremendous, especially after being alone for so long. But about six months into our marriage things started going on a roller-coaster. Her emotions seemed extreme, she would suddenly become angry over little issues, either at me or at others, far out of proportion to the actual incident. I would try my best to avoid upsetting her.
When she would talk about her past she always seemed to blame others for her problems whether it was her parents, husbands, or other people she was involved with. Although a long-time professing and sincere spiritual Christian she seemed to have had a lot of sexual relationships, often with men she scarcely knew. One of them became a stalker that followed her into our marriage and has caused much trouble.
She has a severe case of PTSD as well as facial pain that is entirely somatic. She started therapy two years ago but from what she tells me of it she uses the time to unload her anger on all the people in her life that have caused her pain. Oddly I have seldom heard her take any responsibility for any of her past misadventures. She is adament that she is is perfect control of her emotions.
But like the title of a book I read recently, my life with her is like "Walking on Eggshells." I never know what will set her off. When she is good, she is very good - calm, compassionate and thoughtful. But when she is in one of her moods any attempt to reason with her usually just makes things worse and I am accused of not caring or sometimes deliberately trying to hurt her. Lately when she goes on a tear I just try to affirm her feelings without agreeing with them, or I say nothing at all.
Right now she is on a six week "sabbitical" from our marriage, living with one of her adult children. She claims I am the source of all of her anxiety and she doesn't think she can trust me. She has agreed to couples' counseling once she gets back. I admit I have a strong "savior" urge and want to rescue her. But lately I have concluded this is just not possible, especially if she doesn't think the problem is with her.
I am quite upset right now and in considerable turmoil over how to proceed. Divorce is not an option, at least from where I stand. I do love her with all my heart and would do anything for her. Suggestions?
I'm sorry you have found yourself in a very dysfunctional relationship. I am a Christian and I am recovered from BPD and other things like PTSD, Depression, actually I could go on and on, but this is not about me. I hear your frustration. I feel for you. BPD has qualities of narcissism with it. Most BPD people do not want to take responsibility for their actions. They do blame everyone else for their miserable life. I tell you what changed my life, other the knowing Jesus can renew my mind, a therapy called DBT. Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It help me take ownership of my actions and how they impacted others. I would highly recommend this therapy. I am a healthy person now and very mentally stable. It took my willingness to want to be healed and hard work to be in the peace that I live in today. Pray for her and pray for wisdom in the direction to help her. Find a good licensed christian couples counselor, someone who is not afraid to confront the hard issues and say it like it is! Most important... if she doesn't want help, you cannot change her. She needs to acknowledge that she has a problem. You will be wasting your money and time in therapy, if she cannot acknowledge her faults. I wish you the best! I will keep you in my prayers.
Glad to know that others are dealing w/ the same issues. My mother is BLPD but is not diagnosed. She refuses care and counseling. But she fits all the criteria that I've read. I'm 57 and wondered ALL MY LIFE what is wrong with her. Her behaviors have always baffled, wounded, controlled and made me very fearful of her.
If she was mean and verbally vicious ALL the time, I would understand and run like hell.... BUT BLPD's can be very very giving, loving, kind and KNOW how to act in public.
I've witnessed my dad be verbally bashed all my life and myself as well.... all the while, being told that I am the one that is mean, stupid and at fault. ALWAYS..... either that, or she is in a hysterical crying fit bc she has yelled at the dog and hurt his feelings.
Her anger is sometimes "warranted and valid" but it is so over the top that it is next to impossible to handle. Verbal beatings are just very difficult to take while trying to reassure THEM that they are okay.
It's been the biggest mystery of my life. One minute my mother is loving.... until I tell her I am staying at her home for 3 days instead of 6.... and then she is immediately LIVID .
Many manipulations are used: "God and the Bible says to take care of your parents". I took care of my parents and always treated my mother right. You should / you are supposed to / what you think about that is stupid (bc it makes me look like I am the one at fault) / YOU have always been difficult , .... I have 57 years worth of stories.
My poor dad.... he's been gone for 9 years now.
It's perplexing as well that she leaves my alcoholic brother alone. He's been an alcoholic and drug abuser since age 15... and heaven forbid you chew HIM out bc he might pull another drunk and wind up in jail or dead BC of what YOU said. So she leaves him alone. .... much to my chagrin bc i have no other siblings.
All of this is to let you know that I GET IT. I have LIVED IT FOR ALL OF MY LIFE. I am starting counseling next week bc I finally hit a breaking point and I will do anything to stop living in a mine field. I'm tired. I'm fed up. And my heart is calloused. I'm a loving person. But I do not like her and I let no other person in the world treat me this way....
If I could... and I may even before it's said and done..... I would run like HELL as far away as I could. ....
And never look back. That's what I would really really like to do bc I'm here to tell ya, it only gets worse with age. Even if they are in treatment.... it's not fun. I exed a friend that was BLPD bc she went off on me. I ran like hell..... just too many triggers.
Take care of yourself. Get counseling as fast as you can.
Or you might be in for 57 years of living hell.
Ginger
Today, I just feel wore out and hopeless about them both. At least I now have a name for it and I have skills to deal with it. Still, I’d rather cut them both off :( I’m trapped