Hi everyone.

I haven't been on this site for a long time, but I'm really suffering right now. I feel like my depression and anxiety have taken over me to the point where I can no longer function. When I'm not working I sleep all day. When I am working as I have been from home recently, I feel like every little thing takes all of my energy. When the work day is over I just lay here like a corpse. I have a dog that I can't take care of anymore because I can't walk him and give him the exercise and love that he deserves. I wasn't always this way. I'm 29. I have a masters degree. I used to be an overachiever who had a 4.0 GPA and wanted to succeed in everything. I went to film school, I studied art. I used to play the guitar and worked doing photography which I loved. I was creative. There are many factors that have made me this way, although I have had severe anxiety from an early age. A lot of it had to do with my appearance (and still does), but I remember staying home and hiding because of my acne and just feeling like I was repulsive. If someone saw me without makeup I would have a full on panic attack. I would be late all the time to anything because I had to try to look and feel perfect. My anxiety and depression came from maybe wanting control when I didn't have any. I had an on and off eating disorder throughout my life, I had fallouts with many many people. I was raped when I was 15. I have been physically and emotionally abused by my twin brother my whole life, and my mom emotionally abused me and always made me feel like I was ugly, crazy, selfish or not good enough. I also have had two suicides in my family - my grandpa and my uncle. I lose sight of all of my trauma sometimes, but what brings me the most pain is what I have done to myself. I blame myself for all of my relationships failing and all of my friendships failing. I truly feel so alone and insignificant. I feel like now I have little to no friends, and have often thought that if I died tomorrow it wouldn't make a difference. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and that I don't have anyone. I can't talk to my family either because they constantly bring me pain. I feel completely unlovable. I don't think I'll find love again. I am so crippled by this pain of being all alone that I just don't have energy to better myself. I think, why work out, why take care of myself, why even shower if I'm all alone? Who am I even doing this for? So I have let myself go. I literally just sleep, let my dog out to pee, eat and work. This is by the way one of the longest standing jobs I have had, there have been so many that I have abruptly left because of my mental state. Although I am able to work now, I am barely capable. There have been many times where I just left and ended up going into treatment. In regards to treatment - I have been once to inpatient and twice to outpatient. As you can see, it hasn't worked. I don't know what to do next. I don't think going into treatment again will help me. I've thought of suicide so many times. I live in my own filth, I don't take care of myself, I don't feel like I have anything. My own dog by the way bites me constantly. I feel like everywhere I turn there is pain. So I stay alive but barely, and just sleep and barely function. I don't feel like there is hope or reason to get better if I will be all alone with nothing anyway. I don't know what to do anymore.