Hi there, I'm feeling incredibly scared and alone and mad right now. I saw my psychiatrist today, walked into his office bursting into tears as soon as he asked how I was doing. "Not very good, I lost my boyfriend because of my anger", I cried. I told him that I hoped he would break his neck on his stupid new dirt bike he just bought, just because I had been asking him to send me some pictures of the tent and the area we would be camping, and come to see the next morning he had posted some pictures to his Snapchat story but didn't even think to send any to me, and I flipped out. So he told me that would be the last mean thing I would be able to say to him and he hasn't talked to me since. Now mind you, we had plans to go up north and go camping for the holiday weekend, and he already tried to take it away from me once for a stupid fight. Then after he's already up there we have this stupid blowout all because of my reaction and anger to him not sending me a picture.  I've been being treated for ADHD, anxiety disorder,and bipolar disorder for years now, but the anger never has gone away, and the same fighting happens in all my relationships, until eventually they can't handle me anymore. I can only apologize so many times for my verbal abuse. I know I have BPD although my psychiatrist seemed to think I wasn't the "typical borderline" and he couldn't fully diagnose me with it, and he also said he feels it is a disservice due to the stigma attached to it, so I could appreciate that, but he has no idea how my anger really is.

So is this my fault? Do I deserve to be dumped and have a vacation ripped out from under me just because I said something I didn't mean? For something I'm working on nonstop?

He just says he isn't happy anymore.

We have had fights like this before and he promised me he would not abandon me and completely ignore me (last time he did that he lied to me and ended up just taking off and didn't come back for days and didn't answer my calls or anything), so you know how I was feeling then...immense intense feelings of abandonment and loss, much stronger than the average person feels those things. 

I am mad that I confided in him to not hurt me again and leave me for something I am trying desperately to change about myself so I am lovable.

Any advice, I will gladly take it. Thanks for reading.

~Laura