I broke up about a month and a half ago, we lived together.  I have mental health problems, borderline personality disorder, (bpd) which includes a lot of fear of abandonment, an unstable sense of self, suicidal tendencies, impulsive behavior, promiscuity among others. My ex had anger issues, he once pulled a knife on me, in another occasion we were driving and arguing and he speed up and say he will kill us both, he has damaged some of my personal belongins etc. He was abusive but not the jealous type, I was the jealous one and he felt so controlled by me that I think that was what incited his anger. Long story short I know is stupid of me, but I keep contacting him knowing that going back to that relationshinp is the worst idea. I feel so lonely and I keep holding up to the memories of the wonderful first months.I am going to therapy, reading self help books, looking for help on my bdp condition, etc. I have also slept with other people and party hard during these weeks, exploring my alternate sexualiity (I'm bisexual), but somehow I am trapped and keep contacting him and begging him to get back together.Yesterday was the worst, on the phone he said that if I was in front of him at that moment he would like to slap me on the face I cried so much, I feel so pathetic. I need to keep going foward, do the things that are right for me, and he is clearly not right for me. Any advice in how can I keep moving foward and stop contacting him and finally understand on a deep level (because intellectualy I know but I don't seem to fully grasp it in my heart) that he is not the right person for me :(