I'm not sure if I have BPD, but I'm definitely searching for answers to my anger, boredom, and disinterest in the outside world.

I'm an emotional person, ever since I can recall. I always was getting into trouble, and still have this weird gut impulse to do things I shouldn't. As an adult now 33, I find sitting at a desk job all day very boring. I'm lethargic and bored out of mind, even to the point where I stop doing things until someone comes by and I start to look busy. I'd much prefer to do almost absolutely nothing and avoid everyone. However, after I sit inside as a recluse for a day or so, I think, "Why am I not out doing things like 'normal' people?" I then turn to social media and see what everyone else is doing and think, "I should go out and do something like these other people. They look so happy."

Much of the time when people colleagues, customers or managers come to me at work with requests, my first gut desire is to make them feel bad or stupid for asking me to answer a question they should already know the answer to. Having to come up with a polite answer makes me angry or fatigued - especially if a lot of those questions come in a short period of time. It makes me feel better to express my anger - but it ends up hurting other people, namely my now ex-girlfriend of over one year. I don't mean to hurt her, but I don't want to filter my answers. I want to say what I'm thinking. But then I just realize after I hurt her how much of an ass I am, which only reinforces self-hate and the reclusive part of me that thinks, "just avoid people so you don't hurt them since you don't know how to act like a normal person."

I know this was all over the place, but I had to start somewhere. Thanks for your help.