Hello everyone....I'm new to posting, but not new to dealing with eating disorder tendencies while trying to find a good, truly healthy route to recovery. 

Recently I'd gone a long time without binging...maybe 2 ish years? Of course, during that time I maybe had a handful of binge episodes, but that is a drop in the bucket compared to my old frequency.

Over the summer I guess I kinda had a mental breakdown. I ended up in the ER 4 times in 2 weeks thinking I was dying. It eventually was determined that I wasn't dying (awesome) but I'd been suffering from panic disorder. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that happened in the weeks after my panic disorder was uncovered. I took a medical leave from work, and panic generally destroyed and disrupted everything in my life, including my routine that I think was paramount to my previous continued success with remaining in recovery and binge-free. The panic disorder took over for about 8 weeks, and in that time I was losing tons of weight due to stress and I think my body was just redlining. My doctor encouraged me to get my calories up somehow, and having to become super-aware of my caloric intake again, and being encouraged to eat not the most healthy foods for the sake of getting my calories up just generally messed with me , and this brings us to now.

I've fallen back into a really bad binge cycle. I can recognize the triggers and I understand that I've been through a lot in the last 2-3 months, but the aftermath of being back in this cycle is causing so much anxiety and depression. It blows my mind to think about where I was just a few months ago with my mental and physical health--and in just a few short months of acute stress and learning to deal with my panic episodes, I'm feeling so powerless and like an imposter in my own recovery.

I really don't know what to do. Food is controlling my every thought and motivation right now. I hate the person I become when I'm in these terrible binge cycles. I'm not present, I'm not purposeful, thoughtful, or productive. I'm just seeking and indulging and engaging with my eating disorder, and it makes me so sad. And I feel totally paralyzed about what my next move should be. I know I need to be kind to myself to ease the panic/binge symptoms, but I really have a hard time knowing how to actually practice kindness towards myself, and I tend to get militant with myself and try to construct some kind of "plan" to get me out of the cycle. Which, by the way--always fails.

I just feel so hopeless and unsure of how to proceed. Every morning that I wake up I want to do better, and be less consumed by food--but it seems to fail before lunchtime. 

I'm still getting my exercise in, and I'm still mostly eating nutrient-dense foods--so those are good things, I guess?

Thanks for your thoughts in advance.