I was in the same boat with my husband. You've been to alanon, you already know we've all dealt with the same issues. I just filed and had him served last week. He knew it was coming. We were just coming up on our 6th anniversary which would be September 25. 6 years ago at this time I was going over table seating and honeymoon plans, now I'm filling out divorce forms...

I know what you mean about missing the person you married. I miss my husband too, miss the man, the person he was when we met. He was sober for 5 years when we started dating, fell off the wagon a year after we were married. Out of a 9 year relationship I only knew the person I had fallen in love with for 3 years. I tried my best to fight the alcohol, even when alanon said I couldn't. They were right of course, we can't win this battle. I'm scared to death, I won't lie. But continuing down this path would eventually destroy me and you. You are doing the right thing. How much time have we lost to their alcoholism. It's just not fair to us to put up with this garbage, and that's what it is garbage. I have no respect for my husband or your wife, or any alcoholic for that matter who won't help themselves. No pity for a disease that you can get all the help you could ever ask for for free. An alcoholic who refuses treatment has no respect or love for anyone around them. WE DESERVE BETTER! And we will get better by leaving them to their own devices. I feel lost too, but I have a feeling you and I actually just found the map that leads back to life. Try to stay strong.

Thank you so much Amanda for that reply. I felt so comforted reading it. Only we get how alcoholism has devasted our lives. People who don't have to deal with that as an issue in a divorce can sometimes just file it under another category of "irreconsilable differences". It certainly is not. I am really scared about having to tell her that I have filed for divorce. And the times when she is so sweet to me only make it cut like a knife. But I know that within days or even hours she will do something that will confirm that I made the right decision. The other night we had words and she said that she was going to a friend's house to stay the night. Instead she checked into an expensive HYATT using my Platinum Passport points. That is like stealing so now I can add that to the list of disappointments.
But again, I am scared and I go from that feeling to guilt and back again. The way I see it, I have done what I need to do. The ball is now in her court. All I have to do is wait it out. I want to be fair to her and not kick her out on the street ( it is my house acquired before marriage) but she is such a drama queen and acts like an insolent child and I am afraid of all the drama. Ofcourse she might hit the bottle again too.
How did your husband take the news of the divorce? I mean, I am sure like the rest of us in alanon, you had made lots of threats of divorce before. Was he calm? Did he or has he tried to change your mind since? Thanks.

OMG, I can so identify with this. I have been married 24 yrs. He admitted he was an alcoholic but continued to spiral out of control. Took my vows seriously "in sickness and in health" just to get kicked bad in the face. I put up with it....staying at the bars 2-4 nights a week, not giving me money for household bills, not raising our 3 kids, driving home drunk over and over, passing out in the driver seat. Why is what I ask myself. Why did I put up with it. I just felt he needed me and I could give him my strength to straighten out his life. Instead he shit on me 7 wks ago and just "disappeared". At first, thought he was too drunk to drive home. Took me 3 days to realize he had abandoned the family. And realized immediately, it was because he was having an affair.

Now, he is saying he was drinking so much because he was so unhappy. Back drinking heavily and burning more bridges between him and the kids. I did finally retain an attorney and working on the paperwork to turn into attorney where he can be served. I have been devasted but totally believe once I get over my addiction to him, I will be happier.

No, mine has not asked to reconcile...and I am thankful every day for that until I get stronger. Was going to go to al alon, but realize divorce will definitely happen and I don't have the drinking problem.

Good luck and stay strong. Anyone that has lived with an alcoholic know how unpredictable they can be and how miserable they have made our lives.

I am now discovering my story is not unique and I am not alone. These alcoholics are all the same. Selfish drunk and selfish sober. Mine has been sober, post rehab for 8 months, but has since been fired as a professor, accounts levied by the IRS, had the car impounded last week for failing to pay reg. and a speeding ticket. Lied and told me it was in the shop. His only refrain is, "Sucks to be me". Well, it no longer sucks to be me as I am moving out in two weeks.
I too felt so worried about how he'd survive without me, and sorry for all the losses in his life. That is part of the sickness. We care too much.
I told him yesterday that no normal person will tolerate being lied to and to keep that in mind when he finds someone new. It's too late for us.
SHE WILL SURVIVE. TAKE CARE OF YOU!

Thank you Maria...and thank you too Lori for your your responses. As time progresses I realise that I have to fight my impulses to make it all better. Since my last post, she has been served with divorce papers. That went ok because I told her that they were coming. But two weeks ago she got a SECOND DUI. And her job put her on "suspension". That was actually a good thing because within a few days I bought her a plane ticket "back home" to Texas. She went into rehab and is now doing outpatient. I found her a cheap atty who will handle her dui so she does not have to appear in court at all. She needs to come back and get her stuff and I am dreading it. She wants to reconcile. I want distance. I don't want to rock the boat until the divorce is final because at this point she is not challenging it or fighting me for spousal support. So, I hate to say it, but I am kinda stringing her along just a little bit. She thinks I might even withdraw the divorce but I just keep saying everything depends on your sobriety. Its deceitful but that is how she was to me and that is how I must survive now. She has taken enough of my money. I don't need to pay her spousal support on top of that. Yet, I continue to solve her problems like finding her a cheap attorney and making sure her doctor signs her "disability" paperwork so that she can get money to survive. Meanwhile her stuff is in my house and I am starting to run out of money so I asked her if I could sell a few of her things to pay the bills ( well her bills actually) and you know what that selfish drunk said.....???? She said " don't sell MY shit"....implication....sell yours!!!!!!!!!

Typical. Protect yourself, even though your instinct has always told you to protect her. Take care of you.

Update: alot has happened since October. She came back in November for her arraignment and to my great satisfaction she took a plea which included 28 days in jail. She surrendered herself to begin her incarceration and was out in 30 hours due to overcrowding. I let her stay at my house and it was actually pleasant. We had Thanksgiving at my mom's. Then two days before she was due to leave, she went on a bender. Stayed drunk for 24 hours. I changed her plane ticket and told her she was leaving a day early. Cost me a fortune. Didn't go to work on the day she left because she drunkedly insisted on taking one of my dogs ( my dogs, ok). Got so bad that I called the sheriff to escort her out of my house. And as she was getting into the supershuttle van, she still had the CUP of wine in her hand. The sheriff had to take it away from her. Off she went cussing at me and giving me the finger. Don't plan to ever see her again. Divorce final in March. Christmas time was sad because my Dad died. I was supposed to have a partner to console me through this time; instead, I had a pain in the ass drunk soon to be ex wife still calling me complaining about all her problems.

I am so scared i just filed for divorce been married to alcholic for twenty years. Lies, sadness and destruction three children lives ruined. Took the first step but very scared. One day at a time for now.

I am divorcoring my husband after 25 yrs 4 grown children and raising 2 grandchildren. He disappeared a 1 ago for a couple of months. He came to me to get help and he went into rehad. He had an affair but I took him back because that's what I do. He was sober for 6 months and then he started again. He promissed he would stop again. He didn't he just hid it and lied to me. I am very scared to move out on my own with 2 little kids but I cannot take it. I read your stories and thank goodness I at least now don't feel all alone.

He just came by to see the kids and me. I figured he would stay for a few minutes and then leave. He asked to have lunch with us, I said yes. My daughter asked him why he just wont stop drinking so he could be with us. I did not ask her to say anything, if you knew her you would understand noone can get her to say anything she doesn't want to. He cryed and told me he missed me and begged me to give him another chance. I told him we would have to talk another time. But he has to get sober for himself, he has to want it. I cannot do it any more and he cannot do it for me. He does this every time I kick him out. He then comes back and is pretty good for a while but it never sticks. My sister sent me a link to a song on YouTube "I want to see you be brave." I am going to meet with him without the kids and let him know I am going through with divorce.

I was married to an alcoholic for over 30yrs. We had 4 children who are now gown. I've tolerated things that I never thought I would. I controlled the finances but he controlled me through verbal abuse. He complained about everything from the moment he got up until he went to sleep. I did everythig he wanted and I could just to keep him quiet. When he got drunk I discovered a way to put him to sleep before it got bad. I lied on a constant nervous state. He would time me, how about if I didn't get home on time which is almost impossible because I own my own business but he doesn't understand that concept. From being a functioning alcoholic yet hard working man he now does not want to work for a living and wants to convince himself he is a social drinker to allow himself to drink. Yes we have been through 2 rehabs and he AA meetings,the counseling, you name it he has been there. In his quest to become a social drinker he managed to get himself obliviously drunk and came home to force himself on me. My son called the police and he was arrested. He has been out of the house for over a month and I am so darn peaceful I don't want to even see him. I will be filing for divorce because considering the alternative is not an option anymore. I'm spent, I can't do it anymore.

I see this original post is a few years old, but boy did it hit home for me. I showed it to someone in my family, and they actually thought I wrote it. I certainly could have.

I am in the middle of hell right now. Had to file a TRO and get emergency custody of the kids a couple of weeks ago, and am now going back to court to face her and see what the judge says as far as continuing the custody. In the meantime, in order to get that custody and a foot in the door, I had to file for divorce...even though at the time I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do. I had to do it in order to get protection for the kids. Each day that passes though, I feel stronger about following through with the decision and actually having the papers served to her, but I also feel that guilt - am i doing the right thing? Which will hurt my kids more in the long run? Keep thinking too far ahead. My mind is just spinning. I think in my heart I know what the right decision is, but having a hard time making that final choice. This is not what I wanted my life to be, nor my children's lives. I think it's a case of the head knowing what to do, but the heart keeping things in conflict. Anyway, just venting. Thanks for listening.

Life alert I know u are a guy but u are welcome to join 'wives of alcoholics' support group. All of you are welcome. It has helped me tremendously and we all know what you are going through. It sucks! Good luck to you and all of you. It is not easy and to talk with people going thru the same thing helps.

Hi everyone 5 months am away from my husband now actually from my alcoholic husband. I feel quilty but I know There is no return from here. Well, as soon as I married have found this man one night went out and came very late drunk. Than the next morning I just didnot understand where the man met has gone. He started to shout and blame me that I caused him to drink. After for a while I understand this man was an alcoholic.Well the worst is coming he also passed me a STDs. which is a sexual transmitted disease.I have learned this after he came from his job well he was a pilot and he regularly goes away. but this something start to kick me off in my mind when he goes away if he has got this disease how he could lie other women not to tell them about its consent. Which he never told me. I have searched this is actually a crime. I donot hate from him. I am trying to forget and continue and rebuild my life. please like to hear some good people experience and commond please. He turned off all his emails and now ignores me . am not seeking him back by the way.

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