BDSM Support Community Group

A group for those in D/s relationships, whether 24/7 or strictly casual. Also welcome are those not in relationships but craving that type of intimacy.

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xxKattxx 10/16/2016

Hi there, I'm Kat. 22y/o. sub.

So I've been in and out of the lifestyle since I was 16. I'm very open minded and adventurous when it comes to sex, and I love being dominated! But here's the problem.. My bf was very inexperienced sexually when we started dating. Everything else about our relationship is literally perfect, but when it comes to sex it's just so blah.

Over the past 3 years I have gotten him to try some new things, but he doesn't have a natural tendency towards being dominant, or anything kinky! It's been very difficult for me to continue in a relationship with such a vanilla sex life. Every time I mention trying new things or the fact that I'm not 100% satisfied, he gets very defensive and makes it seem like I'm asking too much of him. I always leave the conversation questioning if what I want is impossible, and wondering if I'm the one to blame for my own unhappiness because I'm expecting too much. Sometimes he even makes me feel as if the things I like are just sooo weird that it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin, like my sexuality is something that I shouldn't be so open about. But in the end he usually agrees to put some work into it and try new things, which lasts a day or two. Then it's right back to vanilla..

I feel like breaking up with him only because of different sexual preferences is kind of shallow, especially when everything else is amazing. But I really don't know if I can do this much longer. Despite how hard I've tried to be happy in a kink-less relationship I still fantasize about being restrained, degraded, etc. I'll admit that I've considered cheating but have never gone through with it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'd really appreciate hearing about your experience and how it worked out in the end.

Or does anyone have any advice in general? I could really use it.

Thank you for your help!!

Kat xoxo

booklover19 10/19/2016

I understand where you're coming from. I was once in a vanilla relationship where my boyfriend never wanted to try anything kinky nor stick with it. We're no longer together for the same and other reasons. I don't recommend breaking up with him, but you do need to consider how much you want the relationship. What you want isn't impossible, and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about your sexuality. Talking so openly about what you want from him during sex is a very intimate thing and means you must trust him enough to do so. Relationships aren't heavily based on sex, but it can still play a huge part. As a sub, I understand how difficult it is when someone isn't as dominate as you want them to be and how frustrating it can get when they make you think what you want is weird.

The fact that you have considered cheating is a huge sign that maybe you two shouldn't be together or that something needs to change in your relationship. Maybe try telling him how uncomfortable you feel when he doesn't listen to you when you tell him what you want. Mention to him about how you truly feel and see what he does from there. You should keep your own happiness in mind. It's good that you do think about his, but you have to also think about yours.

I hope this helped you out some. Take care and good luck!

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