Medication helps some. I started taking Wellbutrin, and I think it helps.

The app called 'Wysa' helps, sometimes.

Sometimes I find motivation, by wanting to help someone I love. Especially my kids. I find them very supportive and accepting. That makes me feel grateful, and gratitude, itself, is an excellent motivation.

I understand sometimes it's hard to feel grateful, when you feel worthless. But try to remember that you're never worthless and your life matters.

Obviously, I find trying to be supportive and helpful to others makes me feel better.

I got on here to find someone who can relate to my struggle, because I am having a hard day. I don't really want to hear my own advice, (to you... Who will probably never read this... Probably no one ever will). In honesty, I am tired of digging myself out. I want help, in the form of just being *understood*, not so unbearably lonely and isolated, in how different and unacceptable I feel... The enormous struggle to feel acceptable... That no one else seems to struggle with, as I do... Yet I know others, like me, must exist. Words just seem useless and clumsy. Nothing seems worth saying. The point of saying any of this, feels futile. So... I get the problem of not wanting to leave your room. I am writing this, from my own room. Anyway... There is one word, that is worth saying. One word that I said that was definitely true... Although I would rather hear it from someone else, than tell it to myself, pulling myself up, by my own 'boot straps' again...

It's this word : gratitude

No matter how hard it is, or how lonely, there's always *something* to feel grateful for... Or you're just an asshole.

Sometimes I have to try, very hard, to feel grateful... It takes a lot to get iver the bad feelings, to get to that point... But it's always possible... If only the gratitude that any of us have a room, to hide in... Safety... A computer or phone to use, in our hand... Maybe a soft blanket... Maybe a cat or dog, sleeping, nearby... Maybe just having hands that work, or eyes to see out of... Gratitude *always* helps me improve my negative thoughts and feel better, and more courageous.

Yet I didn't come here to be wise... or to get myself better... By myself, again. I wanted help... From another person. I just am tired of feeling like an outcast. I am a grown adult, and I have never had a group of friends that I felt safe in. It's exhausting, beibg so insecure. And I feel like I am missing out on something good. I am tired of being stoic, and avoidant. Yet, pathetically, this is about as willing as I am, to reach out. Because I am still very afraid of people... Yet, like the people I just watch, wishing I could be the same way, but in my jealousy, I put them down, in my mind... Calling them 'immature', 'self-absorbed' 'babies' (who can't handle a little feeling of being ignored or forgotten, like I can... Who must grab the spotlight, and put themselves first, so that it will never be the time for anyone lije me, to be noticed... Even though I try not to be noticed, and I am just as big a baby as anyone else... And even a hypocrite... Tge truth is : I just want some attention, lije we all do. I want someone ti notice me, and tell me I matter... But I am too afraid to ask for it... Or to seek positive attention... Because I am a coward. So... I hate myself for being a coward... But at least I have the courage to admit that this is my own fault, and I am just feeling sorry for myself... I feel so stupid for wanting attention. For admitting it... Yet that is exactly why I am being brave... Because there IS a chance that someone will read this, one say... I hope they do... And I hope that person understands that people can have really good hearts and be worth knowing, even though other people frighten them, so much... People like me... We aren't all just big babies that feel sorry for ourselves... We are trying... I am trying... And I want ti challenge myself more... Because I want to make friends... It's just hard. And I want someone to say 'I know what you mean'... And for that person to *really* know what that means ... How desperate you can feel, to wantbti reach out, but so afraid, at the same time... And even somewhat ashamed of the need for attention, because somehow, along the way, you told yourself that you didn't need anyone's attention, that you don't need anyone, at all... And felt how it hurts, to say that, knowing it is you, just giving up... But this is NOT an act of giving up. This us a small attempt, but an attempt, none the less, to reach out into the voud, and say : I exist! I am here! I am alone, but I have wirth, and meaning... And maybe someone will read this, one day, and wonder who I am... And that hope, feels like maybe there is someone in the world who would like me, understand me, and I could be myself in front of, without be so overcome with fear, that I could just be myself... And that would be... Nice... That's what I want to believe...I want to think that's why I am writing this... Not that this is just me blurting something useless and a waste of time, into the void, where no ibe will hear me, and then I will just run away, again, like I always do, because I never stick around anywhere, or leave a trace... Just like everyone else who comes to this page, I imagine...

Except that we also can feel hope, and gratitude, and we're not bad people...

We are alone, and that's a sadness that we wear, like armor...

But inside, there is love, and empathy, and so much willingness to listen and and give....

We're just afraid of who to trust... And we're afraid nothing we have to offer is going to be enough...

Right?

Does anyone else get this?

To answer my friend... How do you leave your room...

You focus on standing up, and feeling grateful you can... That your legs work...

And then you just carry on, that way, until you get to the doorway, and you step through it. Don't think too much about it... Just concentrate on feeling grateful you can walk...

And maybe... Just go for a walk. Practice from there, and just keep challenging yourself... Because you're worth it. I am. Sure of it.

As am I.

You summed it all up, there is nothing that I can say behind that..you are not alone! Thank you for sharing the word "Gratitude" it has so much meaning behind it and Welcome to the group!

I can relate regarding being grateful. Sometimes that can be the only thing that makes you look at your situation in perspective. Having a lot of what people take for granted, helps you to approach your (our) situation as "not being so bad", even though sometimes we feel it is a heavy weight we carry it all...the...time.....Thanks for that reminder.