Up until recently, I was living in a self-induced fog of denial and a complete inability to see that my reactions to others were completely self-destructive.  I was raised by a RAD parent who went on to become a Borderline.  I never had a moment of rest when I was young.  Anyone who was raised by one of these monsters knows the drill.  I was also abandoned as an infant by my bio father and then adopted by a man who resented having to sign the paperwork so he could marry my crazy mother.  She never loved him, he was a tool to pay the bills and she made it clear to everyone within earshot that was the deal.  I grew up, I put myself through school, fell in love, got married at 23 and had two children by 30.  I thought everything was fine.  I was triggered easily by fears of being abandoned, but I actually got over it.  I also had a bad temper and a serious need to be right all the time and to win every argument.  The birth of my first child was a welcome respite from my inner demons and it seemed like a light out of the darkness.  My husband has always loved me no matter what and so my marriage was and thankfully still is my anchor.  Relationships for me went like this:  Intense bonding, total burnout, complete withdrawal.  I did have two people that when I was a teenager, I was quite close to, but as life seems to see fit for me, they both died within a year of each other of cancer.  This happened before we were out of our 20's.  I literally never had another real friend again after that.  As is the typical way for me, I adopted a friend of my daughter's who came from a very similar background to mine and thought that I could really help him escape the horrors of his Borderline mother.  He and I spent the next 5 years triggering each other's fight or flight response all while I thought I was being a "supermom" to him.  The eventual burnout and withdrawal that happened with this young man that I was supposed to be helping is what finally made me see the light.  It hurt so badly to be rejected by him that I had to turn inward to see and recognize what I had done.  I spent my entire life fighting a world I did not trust and now the one I trust the least is myself.  Both of my children are close to me, but they also both inherited my attachment issues.  Now what?  I will tell you that this is the calmest and most peaceful I have ever been.  I am no longer in charge of this vessel.  I decided that to regain a sense of self, I need to stop talking like I am an expert and I need to let others lead the way.  I am not a religious person, but I am still adopting the "let go and let god" concept of seeing where I go next and since I have no idea, it is both exciting and terrifying.  I would love to hear from the rest of you out there on how you survived, are coping, are holding a job (I have been very unsuccessful at that) and are managing your parenting responsibilities.