I am Evelyn, i'm 26 years old and i have over the past 2 or 3 years been coming to the realisation that PAS was a massive part of my life growing up.

I was a major daddy's girl when i was little, then my parents divorced when i was 8/ 9 years old and i chose not to see my dad at all ever. The courts ruled that he wasnt allowed visitation rights, he sent cards and gifts for a few years after this but i threw them away. I HATED him with a passion.

My little sister ( 4 years younger) carried on seeing my dad, she eventually ended up living between the two 50/50 custody by the time she was 12. I guess she was too young to be manipulated as effectively as i was at the time.

I more recently found and read some letters that i had written to my dad and some cards he had sent me, and that was the start of it. It was like suddenly i KNEW something wasnt right. It got me remembering how she had coached me for weeks and weeks on what to say to the social workers before each visit. How she would stand over me and dictate what i should write back to my dad's letters (all the while saying "Don't EVER say that i havent encouraged you to see your dad! I am making you write to him). She encouraged me to bad mouth him infront of my little sister. I was told that he hated me and that if he had of loved me he wouldnt have left us.

One specific time, my dad picked my sister up and in a moment of madness i said 'yes' when he cautiously asked if i would like to come on a day out too. My mum said "oh good, i'm so glad to want to go with your dad" I remember feeling happy and although a little apprehensive having not seen or spoken to him in maybe a year, i remember being happy just having a nice day with him - doing nothing major. As soon as i set foot back into the house, she blanked me. Didnt hug me, didnt speak to me. Till a few hours later she barked at me "Well? Going to go live with him now are you" i remember her having such a massive go at me that i was crying on the stairs, apologizing, promised i would never want to go see him again. i told her my day out with him was TERRIBLE and boring and he ignored me, and that i was sorry and she was right, he didnt love me and i will never go with him again. I was told that she had spent thousands of pounds on lawyers on protecting me from having to ever see my dad again, and now i had ruined it and if the courts were going to believe me that i hated my dad i was going to have to write a letter (to be given to the solicitors) stating how i had gone out for the day... i had tried it to see if i had liked it, and that i hated it etc etc.

Its strange how much comes back to you when you open up your eyes to the reality and really see what went on back the

It makes me sick to think how hurt my dad must have been by all of the things i wrote about him and said about him. I know he must have known it wasnt words out of my mouth but i didnt speak or see him aside from that 1 solitary day for 16 years of my life.

2 years ago i felt brave enough to write him a letter saying that i wished to meet him. I was sh*tting myself... but we met and had an awkward conversation at the pub for a couple of hours. Things have moved on a little - me and my partner have had a few meals out with them, they have come round our place for food once and we have been to theirs for a meal. It makes me happy to have reconnected with him after all this time, i definately would have regretted not doing so. It is also very sad that the father/daughter relationship that my sister and her step brother have him is something that i will never have.

 I guess i am just happy to have what i can with him in the now!

Hope you are all well!

Evelyn

xxx