I would love for any feedback on this topic today; the physical symptoms of Anxiety and how it affects our daily lives. Since I was 17 I was throwing up numerous times a day as if it were a normal function of the body. Because for me it was a normal function; I woke up to throw up, threw up at work, threw up when I got home, before bed, and for the ENTIRE day besides the throwing up I stayed in constant pain. The abdominal pain was so bad, it felt like someone was stabbing me right in the upper center of my stomach. I would start to sweat an shake, it honestly felt like I was dying but I had to hide it from the world. I had to smile an put on a happy face because if there is one thing I have it’s work ethic.

Everyone knew…my coworkers, boss, friends, family. But they also knew that I just dealt. I stayed skinny, it was always a struggle for me to eat. I never had insurance until now (2014) so for all those years I would go to the ER. Nothing ever comes of that, they give you pain meds and tell you to follow up with your doctor. Well hell, I didn’t have a doctor so I just DEALT. When I wasn’t working I was at home in bed in the fetal position, I hardly ever got rest, and I looked anorexic. I would see myself naked in the mirror and just think “Wow, this must be what the women in the holocaust looked like…” and from the pictures I saw from those concentration camps that’s exactly what I looked like. Nothing but bones poking through skin, pale white skin at that. I looked sick.

Over years I was told numerous things were wrong with me. I was put in multiple psychiatric institutions because after all the tests had been done an they can’t find any gastrointestinal problems they say it has to be coming from my MIND. After losing everything I found myself sitting on my bed, aka my mothers couch, at 23 years old…still in pain. I was still feeling that invisible person stabbing me over and over an wanting to just jump up an RUN. I don’t know what that would do, or how it would help but I was in a panic…I am not as strong as I was in my prime before I lost my baby at 19. My body had just been beaten down over all those years of non-stop chronic abdominal pain, all the hospitals an procedures (EGD’s,colonoscopy’s,vaginal sonograms) my veins have been stuck with needles thousands of times to where now they are all just blowing an non-functional for IV’s. The constant throwing up, the fear of eating, the fear of the pain…I was always so scared.

Sitting there on that couch on May 30, 2014 I said to myself in my head “I’m done, I’m throwing the towel in.” I had made the conscious decision right then an there that I was going to end my life because I could not suffer anymore. And that’s exactly what was happening to me, what Siddhartha Gautama inflicted on himself before he passed away from starvation…SUFFERING. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I then strategically planned to wake up and tell my mom I was going to the park but really I would be driving to the place of my death, (as I thought then) Crockett. The one place I wanted to be when I crossed over into “peace.” Something I had longed for and the idea that I had finally made up my mind and chose peace I rested well that night. The next morning I packed up 54 opiates in my purse, threw on some clothes, kissed my mother goodbye and walked out the door expecting never to see her again. Drove 2 1/2 hours, got to our unoccupied house that I loved so much, parked in the backyard an went into the shed to take the pills an lay down. Long story short I wake up in Tyler ICU, boy was I upset.

So its been over three months and the pain has came back numerous times, lasting a few days and maybe one to two ER visits per “flare-up”. But this last spell has lasted literally 16 days with one hospitalization, 7 ER visits, and 2 major procedures. Nothing was found wrong…all they could do was shoot me up with Demerol (pain) and Zofran (anti-nausea/vomiting)give me a few bags of fluid to get me hydrated and send me home. The pain is so intense that I immediately start shaking and sweating, my skin feels like fire, I cant stop grunting because it hurts to take in a breath, I cant walk at all my back feels like its breaking and I feel like I am having a HEART ATTACK. So Stabbing, back breaking, cardiac arrest FEELING, completely debilitated and screaming barefoot in the car as my mom races down the street to the local ER. It’s been 2 days that I have been able to walk and the pain has subsided, my Dr. has put me on Carafate for all the wear and tear on my insides- it coats your throat, stomach and digestive tract. He also has me taking Prozac and Xanax which has been helping my anxiety along with Nexium since I throw up so much and its always ACID. Neon yellow, green or orange…every time. Sleeping medicine so I can finally get some much needed rest.

The only relief I can get when I am in that crippling pain is leaning forward or putting my knees into my chest (fetal). If anyone has any feedback, similar experiences or insight I would love to hear back! I’ve been “okay” for just 2 days and anything to help would be greatly appreciated. I never thought anxiety could physically affect someone like it has me, my symptoms are very similar to Gallbladder Disease. However, after my scope and HIDA scan they say my gall bladder is fine.

Gallbladder Disease Symptoms:

Severe abdominal pain
Pain that may extend beneath the right shoulder blade or to the back
Pain that worsens after eating a meal
Pain associated particularly with fatty or greasy foods
Pain that feels dull, sharp, or crampy
Pain that increases when you breathe in deeply
Chest pain
Heartburn and indigestion
A feeling of fullness in the abdomen
Vomiting, nausea, fever
Shaking with chills
Tenderness in the abdomen, particularly the middle upper quadrant
Jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes)(runs in my family)
Stools of an unusual color (often lighter, like clay)

Does this sound like you or someone you know? Someone who has anxiety that affects their stomach?