I have no idea who's still here or who isn't and I typically keep my journal entries private for friends only, regardless I'm in a terrible state and I need to get this out:

I'm in this moment right now where I really feel like I've made no progress not only with my anxiety issues but with my life in general, it's amazing how one little thing can make your world come crashing down. I mean I took a good look back at my journal (anything anxiety related, not bereavement), and five years later I feel exactly the same as I did when first leaving the house - anxious, listless, upset, scared, sad and wishing I could just make time stop.

To explain my recent predicament - I've been living in a house share for about three years now and admittedly I'm somewhat comfortable but things have constantly changed and my landlord and landlady seem to feel it's ok to make decisions for us. A number of months back I was asked to move to another smaller room to which I responded (in a polite but firm manner) that the next time I move anything out of that room will be when I leave the house. Well now due to their son (who's actually older than me for starters) moving back in as he's getting divorced and bringing his kids along I'm being told that I have no choice in the matter or I can leave (albeit they've asked me to stay). My parents are genuinely pissed about all of this, the standout being that they're asking me to move to a smaller room and yet they're not offering to lower my rent, they want me to get up and go.

I've actually looked at some places over the course of the week and found one, and it would actually be my own place but I'm ultra hesitant - It's just a small add on, there's no kitchen, it's somewhat closer to a major roadway. Basically there's something inside of me telling me this would be a mistake but I can't put a logical answer as to why, as though my head is screwing with me. Above all else though I find myself questioning if I'm actually comfortable living alone or if it would eat away at me.

I mean all in all I feel like a mess and hopeless, I keep trying to bring myself to cry right now and I can't even do that. I go to my current place and I just feel so terribly uncomfortable, I mean I dread driving there and do everything I can to stay out, I avoid my landlord and landlady now and that's not good because they want me to talk to mom and dad (which I've done) and see what they think and if I want to leave I need to let them know yet I just don't have it in me to talk to them, I'm genuinely scared that I'm going to say something stupid and regrettable. Typically hide out in one of my housemates rooms, all three of whom are admittedly upset living there and when they heard this news they felt even worse, but I think one of the things that really hurts is that I enjoy living with these guys and after having such a terrible experience prior while in Stamford I'm clearly horrified of losing that. And overall I now feel like I've made no forward progress in life, and that's not fair given that I've gone back to school and I'm trying to be a web developer, but even with all that I still can't find a full time job. Everything is top of mind and I can't shake it, I can't bring myself to exercise even though I know it will help, and I just feel terribly lost and hopeless.