An Addicts Spouse Community Group
Here we talk out our frustrations with a loved one's drug addiction. It is not always easy to deal with everyday stesses and when adding addiction problems, it can become very overwhelming. If your thinking of giving up or walking away, or just need someone to understand, give us a try.
The Terrible Power of Choice
I donât know where to begin. I feel like I am neck deep in water, and expecting any minute to slip, and go under. I guess I will begin with a little back story. I am 29, my wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. She is the love of my life, and she is an addict. She started taking pain pills when she was 14. She had cancer that required surgery, and she was on pain meds constantly until we were married. It didnât take me long to figure out what was going on, and I have been fighting against this addiction ever since. Obviously I am losing. Everything has steadily got worse, always with a âreasonâ. Deaths, I was diagnosed with cancer, work injuries⦠there was always a reason to take more pills. She has been in several treatment centers, three of them were âlive inâ, all of them graduated her, yet she is still an addict. Within the past year however things have changed drastically. First off, I found out, when our doctor found out, that she was forging prescriptions for pills, and then I found out that she had been steeling pills from her disabled father, I was utterly destroyed, I was married to a stranger. Through psychological therapy we finally discovered a deep self-hate that was driving her addiction, but know the source has done little to stem the effect. Then we found out she was pregnant, I nearly lost my mind. I did everything except chain her to the bed to keep her from taking pills, but it was all in vain. However, by some miracle our son was born a month ago, and he is happy and healthy. Since his birth, she has been happier, and I thought she had been pill free. Then today, she was caught forging another prescription. Leaving all the legal implications aside, (because I canât deal with that right now), I am at a complete loss on how to deal with this.
My chest is so tight that it is hard to breath. I am at a total loss for what to do anymore. I donât even know what to type. All I want is for things to be ânormalâ for things to be âokâ. her addiction is once again threatening to destroy everything. I have asked myself many times, âWhy donât you just leave her?â, but what good would that do? I might be happier, but she would probably end up overdosing with me, isnât it worth the sacrifice of some degree of happiness if it saves anotherâs life? Especially if that person is someone you love? But then I ask myself again, but how much happiness, how much pain, where is the line? The problem is I have no answer to this, the more the problems with her addiction advance, the more I wonder if there even is âa lineâ. I am not sure there is a point when her addiction could force me away.
Then there is my son. I have to consider him in my thoughts now. Would it be better for him to have no mom, as a mom with a drug problem? What problems, difficulties, damages, is she likely to inflict upon him in the future? And if there is a chance that she may continue to cause problems, is it not my duty as his father to protect him? But which harm should I protect him from, the harm of losing his mother, or the harm of having her causing problems? I think the reason this choice is so hard for me is because I dad died. I know what it is like to only have one parent. Mom loved me, took care of me, but there was always something missing, always a longing and a regret. How could I knowingly choose the same for my son? On the other side, I have seen all too well the damages dysfunctional parents can visit on their children. Mental abuse, erratic behavior, lack of financial, and even legal, security, is this life any better than one without a mom. Would such a life lead my son to drugs, or depression, death?
There is also a third option, one that offers a chance for a better life, one where my wife defeats her addiction, and becomes whole. But that life is not my choice, it is herâs, my choice is between a world with her, or a world without her, and I have no idea what to choose.
If it were only a choice of what to do for me, there would be no debate, I would stay, take whatever came along in hopes that one day she would be free. But my son changes everything, how do I choose for him? How do I choose? I have no facts, no insight that could predict even in the slightest, which course would be better for him. Some would say it is a clear choice, but those are people who do not know what it is like to grow up in a home, that always feels like something is missing, like there should be someone else there, where the extra chair always draws your eye, and you wonder what it would be like if a parent filled that chair. Wondering, how you would be different, wondering what you missed. I donât think I could willingly choose that life for him, any more that I think I can choose to consign him to a life of unpredictability at the hands of a drug addicted mother. I have no idea how to make such a decision, and no one to talk to.
I donât know where to begin. I feel like I am neck deep in water, and expecting any minute to slip, and go under. I guess I will begin with a little back story. I am 29, my wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. She is the love of my life, and she is an addict. She started taking pain pills when she was 14. She had cancer that required surgery, and she was on pain meds constantly until we were married. It didnât take me long to figure out what was going on, and I have been fighting against this addiction ever since. Obviously I am losing. Everything has steadily got worse, always with a âreasonâ. Deaths, I was diagnosed with cancer, work injuries⦠there was always a reason to take more pills. She has been in several treatment centers, three of them were âlive inâ, all of them graduated her, yet she is still an addict. Within the past year however things have changed drastically. First off, I found out, when our doctor found out, that she was forging prescriptions for pills, and then I found out that she had been steeling pills from her disabled father, I was utterly destroyed, I was married to a stranger. Through psychological therapy we finally discovered a deep self-hate that was driving her addiction, but know the source has done little to stem the effect. Then we found out she was pregnant, I nearly lost my mind. I did everything except chain her to the bed to keep her from taking pills, but it was all in vain. However, by some miracle our son was born a month ago, and he is happy and healthy. Since his birth, she has been happier, and I thought she had been pill free. Then today, she was caught forging another prescription. Leaving all the legal implications aside, (because I canât deal with that right now), I am at a complete loss on how to deal with this.
My chest is so tight that it is hard to breath. I am at a total loss for what to do anymore. I donât even know what to type. All I want is for things to be ânormalâ for things to be âokâ. her addiction is once again threatening to destroy everything. I have asked myself many times, âWhy donât you just leave her?â, but what good would that do? I might be happier, but she would probably end up overdosing with me, isnât it worth the sacrifice of some degree of happiness if it saves anotherâs life? Especially if that person is someone you love? But then I ask myself again, but how much happiness, how much pain, where is the line? The problem is I have no answer to this, the more the problems with her addiction advance, the more I wonder if there even is âa lineâ. I am not sure there is a point when her addiction could force me away.
Then there is my son. I have to consider him in my thoughts now. Would it be better for him to have no mom, as a mom with a drug problem? What problems, difficulties, damages, is she likely to inflict upon him in the future? And if there is a chance that she may continue to cause problems, is it not my duty as his father to protect him? But which harm should I protect him from, the harm of losing his mother, or the harm of having her causing problems? I think the reason this choice is so hard for me is because I dad died. I know what it is like to only have one parent. Mom loved me, took care of me, but there was always something missing, always a longing and a regret. How could I knowingly choose the same for my son? On the other side, I have seen all too well the damages dysfunctional parents can visit on their children. Mental abuse, erratic behavior, lack of financial, and even legal, security, is this life any better than one without a mom. Would such a life lead my son to drugs, or depression, death?
There is also a third option, one that offers a chance for a better life, one where my wife defeats her addiction, and becomes whole. But that life is not my choice, it is herâs, my choice is between a world with her, or a world without her, and I have no idea what to choose.
If it were only a choice of what to do for me, there would be no debate, I would stay, take whatever came along in hopes that one day she would be free. But my son changes everything, how do I choose for him? How do I choose? I have no facts, no insight that could predict even in the slightest, which course would be better for him. Some would say it is a clear choice, but those are people who do not know what it is like to grow up in a home, that always feels like something is missing, like there should be someone else there, where the extra chair always draws your eye, and you wonder what it would be like if a parent filled that chair. Wondering, how you would be different, wondering what you missed. I donât think I could willingly choose that life for him, any more that I think I can choose to consign him to a life of unpredictability at the hands of a drug addicted mother. I have no idea how to make such a decision, and no one to talk to.
You are not alone. I myself have been with my addict husband for 23 years. We have a 15 year old daughter who now knows her father is an addict and it is causing all kinds of trouble with her. I wish I had had the strength when she was younger to leave my husband because perhaps he would have sought help sooner. We have now separated so that he can focus on getting help. He has started going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and is determined to gain control of this addiction so that we can perhaps be a family again. Even though he is now doing this, we have a daughter who hates her father and is disrespectful to him and is now having troubles with her friends. She has a lot of anger and I'm not really sure if all of it is because of her father. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to do what is right for yourself and your son while your son is still young. Your wife is the only person who can face and conquer her demons. I've realized myself that by not doing anything and letting things carry on day by day that I was enabling my husband to carry on with his drug addiction. I know he loves his family and he hated what he was doing to it by doing the drugs, but it wasn't until he thought he was going to lose everything that he realized how serious things were. You need to stand up to your wife and let her know that what she is doing to herself is not only affecting her, but it is affecting her family and it can't continue. It's a tough thing to tell someone you care about that you don't love them so they will get help, but if it makes them see the light and do something about the problem then it's worth it. If you're meant to be together it will happen, but only after your wife has conquered her demons. Just remember she is only one that can do that, not you.