ALL MOODY BLUES Community Group

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O....K.....!! i need to vent

SeanPain
SeanPain
So i think im getting bad again, The past few nights ive been getting very angry over stupid little reasons that dont even normally bother me at all, Last night was bad as i broke alot of small things that were in my way on top of our dryer. I tossed my wallet onto the top of it and it slid off and went behind the dryer so i had to move said dryer to reach it but a foot on the back of it sticks to the floor and that made me even worse and if my wife wasn't standing right there i would have picked it up as far as i could and threw it into a wall. My phone fell off when i pulled the dryer out and hit the floor causing my battery to pop out the back and go beneath our stove so once again i pulled it out and almost ripped the wall plug off with it. I finally said fuck it and took a shower but when i got in i leaned against the wall to let my back get beaded by the water because the spot of my fusion was throbbing and when i did this i slipped and almost fell on my back in the shower, Of course this scared the shit right outta me and i started to just break down in the shower.

Im so scared of everything now and that pisses me off and in turn i cant stop crying about who i look at in the mirror at the end of the day.
SeanPain
SeanPain
Oh and on top of all that my boss is quitting and leaving me with all the pressure since im his right hand man and i just dont see how i can handle all of that on top of the depression and panic attacks and back pain.

He works 15-24 hrs straight at times because he's the top guy in my department and i know that especially with my back i cant do it and will be forced to quit qithin a month.....
J0KEYJ
J0KEYJ
Seanpain..so sorry to hear things feel rough so biggest hugs...my job nobody knows I have a conditon..we have to do courses and work is hard..it is good in one way because it distracts me but to much pressure is not good.. the stress which is now coming out because you are worrying..I notice the difference at work when Im not good tireness and worry is not a good mixture because I start to get picky and its little things which then set me off..just an idea oh oh LOL..before your boss goes can you put the idea forward that you jobshare..I managed to persuade my boss its a good idea to jobshare ..they get two people and I dont have to have a total nervous breakdown because its to much for one...I sort of put it across theres always someone on the pulse when one person is off they have someone else..its been a first for them but it works
SeanPain
SeanPain
HAHA thats what we do now is jobshare thats why im the right hand man, We almost take turns at " Holding the fort down " as he likes to put it. Hell jokey it took him long enough to convince them to let him hire me in as the second and hes real tight with the whole family.....so imagine what that will be like for me to do when i havent even been here for a whole year yet. Same thing here nobody knows what i go through even my boss thats leaving has no idea what my day to day consists of inside my head and the bitch of the situation is that they can NEVER EVER know about it because as a driver we arent supposed to be behind the wheel with a medical condition let alone a mental medical condition.
annieheart
annieheart
Murphys law,what ever will go wrong will.That sounds like how your day was.I sure hope the rest of your week goes better.
SeanPain
SeanPain
Yeah Annie it was exactly that but its been going like that for so long now that its almost normal for me to get that frustrated on a daily basis, I walk around either one of two ways

1- I walk around like a zombie just thinking about everything that has went the wrong way in my life and just hopeing to find a spot to sit by myself for a while in suclusion so that i can ball my eyes out and fall into yet another panic attack OR

2- Walk around all pissed off about everything that has went wrong in my life and fight for a place to sit by myself so that i can ball my eyes out for as long as possible and then like clock work fall right back into another panic attack.

Im falling right back into the rut of hating myself and everything around me all over again. If there is truly a GOD up there and he loves me and is all forgiving then WHY wont he just forgive me for the things i have done? I have asked him for forgivness countless times now when i dont even truly believe that he is there and yet he still all but literally throws shit in my face every single day of my life.
jimlucky1
jimlucky1
Stop trying being perfect , no one is perfect and no one can be perfect. They can only pretend to be perfect.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes and let them go.

Forgive everyone els and you will be forgiven.

Let go and let GOD.

It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD But I dont know your details,you definitly have some majore trama going on.I do have the same thing but not as severe it is slowly going away but I sure do relate to the pain you are going through emotionaly.

I dont think I can relate to your bach pain even thougth I had 9 broken ribs.

Prepair yourself for the change at your work and find things to take your mind off your anger with life, things that help you detatch from it all and start to heal.You are the only person that knows what you need and desire.

Learn to be a good friend to yourself again .
J0KEYJ
J0KEYJ
Seanpain.. your boss must see something in you to have you as right hand man..:) the person I jobshare with is leaving..I thought noway am I doing all this on my own..so I told my boss I have picked someone else..LOL....I went up to the person and said I might be captain of this ship ..but its not a good idea to let me loose with the controls alone..they agreed LMAO
kmhll447
kmhll447
ouch! you have a lot going on right now, and you need to take care of yourself. I can't imagine everything you are having to deal with. I'm so sorry to hear about your back. Didn't know about that. I can only relate as the caregiver, my hubby has had 2 laminectomies, both lower back, neck injections and shoulder surgery. It's hard not to be frustrated when the world comes crashing down like that.

Try to think about the good things that you have, the little blessings every day. At least you have a job, and your boss obviously has confidence in you, try not to put so much pressure on yourself, and be careful, you don't need anything else bad to happen.

God is not punishing you for things you have done. He may be allowing things to happen as consequences for poor decisions, he's trying to teach you to have confidence in yourself, that you don't have to be perfect, but when you don't know what to do, call on him. You won't always get the answer you want and when you want, but God will answer your prayers. Praying for you.

Karen
SeanPain
SeanPain
well i see my psyc doc today at 1pm so only a little over an hour to go and im hoping that he can offer some kind of help outside of going into the hospital...... Maybe he'll give a script for something that can possibly uplift me? idk but heres hoping for the best.

Thank you all for listening to my rants and raves and offering advice or just an open ear at times...I appreciate it so much.
J0KEYJ
J0KEYJ
in a way you have helped me also because you can relate..you are an Ok dude just wanted you to know..you keep talking all you want thats what friends are for..
SeanPain
SeanPain
thanx JOKEY that actually made me feel a little bit better, I seen the psyc doc today and he prescribed a medication that is like a 3 in 1 for depression/anxiety and mood stabilizer he also suggested said medication because of my history of mild epilepsy as a child as he said that this could POSSIBLY have something to do with me basically bouncing off the walls with my mood swings from time to time.

He is also trying to find out if i suffer from ADD or HAD suffered from it as a child.

Just thought i would post this here for you guys.
SeanPain
SeanPain
Ohh lol also i cant remember the name of the medication off hand but i dont get it until tomorrow anyway so when i see it i'll post the name here.
irishwriter
irishwriter
sean just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you. hope your pdoc is able to help with something. venting is always good. hope things pick up for you. hugs.
jimlucky1
jimlucky1
I am glad you got to a pdoc and I hope things turn around for you.You are suffering enough and you deserve a break.I hope this is it.
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