ALL MOODY BLUES Community Group

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WTF!!??

SeanPain
SeanPain
So ive known about the other wrestling promotion that the other guys from my wrestling days have been doing but yesterday i find out that there is yet another show they are booked to work and that doesnt bug me but i guess they have all requested that i not be invited to watch or participate or even informed of the existence of such a show, Everyone is talking behind my back and even arguing with me about not thinking about anyone but myself over the past year.......Do i not have the right to rehab my back after giving it to the sport that i love with all of my heart and soul? I was feeling so good and then this hits me, I have always been a HUGE loner but i THOUGHT i had atleast found a few people that understood how passionately i feel for wrestling but now i dont know....this ....could be the final kicker. I seriously dont know how to deal with this one-Everyone are saying things that would never had been said if i didnt hurt my back or even get the surgery to correct the problem with it. I dont have any friends and barely have any family and i just dont know where to go. This past three days was so hard but i fought it off and then i hear all of this and its hard enough to deal with the fact that i cant wrestle anymore but now i have to deal with the fact that none of them even want me involved in any way at all. I dont know what to do, im breaking down all over again and after i was DOING SO GOOD!!!! DAMN IT!!! Why cant i just be a normal person? Why cant i just go through life like an average jo with no hopes no dreams no NOTHING!!!! and not be FORCED into being this? I feel so horrible, I hate myself so much......and now i realize that i was never wanted or needed or embraced by a single person i have ever been involved with in the ring and that hurts worse than i ever thought possible.Now there is no doubt in my mind that there is no room for me in this world,nobody wants me here so why the fuck should i hang on? The other night my wife had a dream that i was beaten to death in a parking lot......Hopefully thats a sign of things to come : ) God i just hope so because NOW i am TRULY ready to go.
J0KEYJ
J0KEYJ
Biggest hugs ever you are so upset and when we get upset things get out of perpective. firstly Sean dream meaning..seeing death in a dream or if death comes up in tarrot cards its meaning is not death its new beginnings rebirth..you was doing so good saw your journal..carry on Sean keep going forwards..also you could never be an average Jo ..you are a very individul unique person..as to your buds ..for myself when I was diagnosed some departed it always happens you hear many say people left me when I needed them most..I thought the same thing but people have reasons..we are not in their shoes we dont know their real thoughts words cn be different to real thoughts..this one is hard to explain but some people mourn that we are not around..we are hurt..they dont know how to cope..dont want to say the wrong things..theres many reasons Sean please dont be angry or upset ..keep a focus of how well you started to do..I saw an inspiration on your journal..against the odds you are coming back ..I do understand about loss I wanted to cry yesterday..It was something simple as drawing a sketch ..I couldnt do it got upset..but it would be silly to just give up so what if its not perfect..I must keep trying and so will you and you have us..ok online but online is just as good..now biggest hugs and we Hi five to your wifes dream..
irishwriter
irishwriter
sean my heart goes out to you yet again, you keep pulling yourself up. please pay no attention to those others and try to get on with your own life. maybe seeing you makes them afraid of what could happen. have you spoken to your pdoc about your meds, is the tegretol working...i truly hope you feel better soon
inkprincess73
inkprincess73
JokeyJ is right, when you draw the death card in tarrot, it means change and rebirth, not literally death. I believe it is the same for dreams. There may be a change in the works for you. It may be difficult, as change usually is. But, even though change is a challenge, we usually look back later and see it is exactly is what is needed. Hold on, the best may be just around the corner.
SeanPain
SeanPain
irish no the tegretol is not working but i did call my pdoc about it and he wants me to continue taking it atleast until my next app with him which is only jul 5th so... not so bad i guess
kmhll447
kmhll447
praying that you will find relief and healing. could it be that these other people are just so petty and small-minded, and that's why they are excluding you? Or that they are literally afraid that something could happen to them, and remove them wrestling as well? Could be that you are a reminder that even the best have problems. Three steps forward and two steps back is still one more step forward than before.
Karen
SeanPain
SeanPain
I dont know what it is but it hurts and hurts bad.....After wrestling with these guys for years and building what i thought were good relationships turned out to be nothing more than a relationship of me giving them taking and nothing more. It really hurts
deleted_user
deleted_user
If I was next to you, I'd put my arm around you and let you know everything is going to be okay. I understand how you feel I know it hurts. Everyone wants to be accepted, understood and known by others. When those we thought knew us and understood, then act as if they dont it hurts.... But that is life right... taking the good with the bad? Friendships form friendships breakdown. Lovers love, lovers leave...

you said nobody wants me here so why the fuck should i hang on?

I dont know, but I feel that is not true. I could be wrong. But you mentioned your wife doesn't she love you? Doesnt she want you here?

You know I get depressed and extremely down when I feel like no one cares...Then I have to remind myself that I cannot depend on external things or people to make me happy. I have to make me happy. Because in this life people come and go and sometimes things go my way and somethings things dont go my way. I try to work on being happy regardless of how things are... regardless of who likes me or not...

I'm rambling now so I'll end, but I'm sending you positive thoughts.
SeanPain
SeanPain
Its not that i dont think my wife wants me to hold on...i know she loves me and wants me to stay and fight this but the guys were ( or atleast i thought ) the ones that could relate to how i thought and felt and still feel about what we did, In that ring i was understood and my moods or breakdowns or manic moments were understood and even embraced at times.....Now there is nobody that will relate and although i love my wife i know that she can never fully comprehend the passion that will always be in my heart for what has been taken away and now even the guys that from era of my life shun me for simply being me. While i dont blame them for not wanting to be around me 24/7 because of my attitude and such it still kinda kills me that this is even happening
annieheart
annieheart
Sometimes we are forced to change careers,hobbies a
annieheart
annieheart
Sometimes we are forced to change careers,hobbies a
annieheart
annieheart
I am sorry you are not a part of the wrestling anymore,You have some good memories of your wrestling days.Cherish them,now its time to make new goals for tomorrow.Sometimes life takes twist and turns and things dont go the way we planned.So we have to make new goals.
J0KEYJ
J0KEYJ
I think what Sean is saying is they where like blood bros/ a kind of replacement family in a way..it does hit you hard when because you want to wake up open your eyes and back to how it was..I think you are saying Sean it was a time when you felt complete..I think its a combination of wanting that again being with people same way of thinking..I had that with my team for fourteen years and it takes some doing to get over when you are parted..I got offered another job at another place..but looked at people and it was not the same feeling..nice people but the gel was not there.for me I went in a different direction and am with a little team again and its like how it was I feel we are a little family..Sean somehow has to find it..it can happen again but unexpected..
SeanPain
SeanPain
Jokey thats exactly what im saying and exactly how i feel......Right now i feel like i did when i was 12 years old, So alone so empty so scared out of my mind.....idk what this will do to me in the next few months or so, I seriously dont know what to do at this point, My wife does understand about this but still she doesnt even talk to me about it and i know that can be because she doesnt really know how to talk to me about things like this in the right way so that it doesnt trigger my depression or anxiety. I just really need a similar minded person in my life and i dont have that, I even got a copy of my last match that i did with one of the very best from where i wrestled and because of all of this i havent even watched it yet and probably never will......I just wanna be me and sadly that is the one thing that i can never be again.
inkprincess73
inkprincess73
On this website we find people that we relate to and acceptance that others, even our loved ones, can't give us because they don't understand. We do understand how painful it is to be rejected, especially because of whatever issue we have that brings us to DS. That makes it even more painful because we are being rejected for something that we don't have any control of. Many of us are rejected by our own families because of our problems, so we find other people and make our own "family" like you did with the wrestlers. It is so painful to be hurt by the people that you love the most.

My son suffers from mood disorders, severely. What I have noticed about him is that when he is on downward swing of his mood, he often misreads peoples' words and actions. He often thinks people are talking about him or saying mean things to him when they are making an innocent observation. Or that they are being hurtful when it is not their intention. Do you think this could be the case with your wrestling family?
SeanPain
SeanPain
Honestly idk but what i do know is that NOT ONE of them came to the hospital to see me while still there for my surgery last year and only one came into my house to see me while laid up in bed in my brace after being released to go home to recoop from surgery and now even he has shut the door to me.....he hasnt called in so long as have the rest. I will say that i havent called anyone in a while but they all have SAID that they understand the reasons but its quite obvious that they dont and never have.
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