ALL MOODY BLUES Community Group
This group is for all people, no matter what disease, disorder, or life issue that causes you moody times and needs a little support or wants to give support. Be yourself, have fun meeting new people that care and understand you. RULES- show respect, no extra drama, no bashing, keep personal info confidential , and don't give advice [ if asked ok] . problems or...
Hi
My name is Sam. I don't really even know how long I've had problems with depression. The earliest I can remember being really depressed was back in middle school. That was also the only other time in my life that I thought about ending my life. Until about a year and a half ago I hadn't had problems with suicidal thoughts again but this past year has been soo horrible (as you could probably tell by my ranty journals). To sum up a lot of it, I fell in love with one of my best friends (something that has never been good, and this certainly wasn't any exception), a close relative died (pretty much of old age), my cousin was brutally murdered and my other best friend killed himself (a man I have known and been very close with since elementary school, he had always had problems with depression and abusive family). I found out about my best friend's suicide right AFTER my cousin's funeral.. we were barely even out of the service when I got the phone call and that was where I had finally broken down the hardest through out that whole trip (my cousin's funeral happened in another state that I had to fly out to).
I also got into drugs (psychedelics and marijuana only, I wouldn't do any other kind). My drug use us fairly unpredictable really, there was a time when I was doing psychedelics like 3 or 4 times a week but then stopped for a really long time. I was surprised at how non-addicting all the shit I've done has been. I was raised to believe that weed was VERY addicting and hard to quit and I basically learned through experience that, at least for me, this is bullshit. The only time I ever had a hard time quitting was when I first started and that was purely a social issue, having no psychological or physical dependency to it at all.
Strangely, drugs rarely made much of an impact on me financially, but I have been through tons of financial issues as well as family problems (been through 3 jobs, can't seem to get enough hours anywhere).. I was almost homeless a couple of times (each time it seems I was also taking long breaks from most drugs, weed often excluded).
This past year and a half has had horrible effects on me emotionally and psychologically. As I mentioned before I fell in love with one of my closest friends which, as usual with my love life, only caused major problems between the two of us. I know she used to be into me but I don't know where things changed.. Anyways, after a lot of drama with her our friendship finally seems to be healing somewhat. She knows I've had problems with depression and has always been there in spite of the issues we've had but I don't know if things will ever be the same though. Its difficult also because I tried my best to get over her and still can't.
Also, as mentioned before, my love life has always been a horrible, intensely depressing aspect of my life. I've never had any kind of relationship, pretty much the same shit always happens. There's never anything good or rewarding about it, just more grief, depression, and eventually self-destructiveness.
In the past, depression has always come in waves it seems. There would be times when I felt ok and others when I would be miserable but the past few months its gotten a lot worse. It wont go away anymore and I often just break down into tears now. I hate the way I feel every day, I can't stand the constant loneliness and despair. I feel worthless and hopeless and although there have been ways of lessening its intensity, it still gets pretty intense and after a while seems to overpower whatever it is I'm trying to keep it under control. I'm surprised I haven't broken down at work or anything, its come pretty close a couple of times. I don't want to exist anymore, I just want this all to be over.
I still have two good friends I could talk to if I need to but for some reason I'm kinda scared to tell them. I know the girl I keep mentioning cares about me but I'm afraid of worrying her... I still go to her with a lot of the emotional problems I have but very few people know how bad its getting.
When all this started it started a year and a half ago it started to effect my appetite. When it gets really bad either I stop eating at all or only eat like once every couple of days. At first that started because for some reason the smell of food, even food I actually liked would make me feel nauseous. Now it just happens, I loose my appetite and it doesn't come back for a few days and since I don't feel hungry I just forget to eat.
Fairly recently I briefly got back into drugs and had one really intense, really interesting trip (it was my fourth time tripping this summer). It was very mixed emotionally and psychologically. There were times when I just disconnected completely. I couldn't remember who I was or where I was.. and when I tried to remember I rejected everything I could remember. I seriously asked myself "Am I really that messed up of a person?" Who I was vs who I could remember myself being just didn't make sense to me.. This, however, was also the most visually and creatively inspirational trip I've gotten in quite a while. I like to draw celtic patterns and while on this trip a lot of my visuals were celtic. I would see these beautiful designs and shapes (which I've actually started tracing out).
Since this trip however, all the rest of my trips have been pretty mild and uninsightful. For a little while for some reason psychedelics had this antidepressive effect on my (which is the other reason I started taking them), I would trip and for the next few days I would feel more stable. Since that trip it stopped having this effect (the other reason I stopped). I've only tripped three times since then and my second to last trip was bad, I got horribly sick and started hearing voices and seeing shit that wasn't there... and even not seeing things that were. One of the visuals I remember very vividly was when I was lying on the floor, my friends were around me and one of them was talking to me. I started staring at this vase for a few minutes and slowly it started to glow, then everything around it in my parferal vision turned into line-drawing and then just disappeared.. this kept happening if I just let myself zone out. I might write more on this later.
I'm sorry this is getting to be kind of a long post. Another thing I do to try and manage my depression is artwork (as vaguely mentioned before). A few months ago a friend of mine had suggested it. We were talking about how many people suffer mental illness but don't consider that it could also be a gift. I told him I could kind of see that but I don't see how depression could ever be a gift and that's when he explained that thought better (we were both pretty stoned at the time but this really sank):
Some of the greatest artists in history suffered from depression, many soo intense that they eventually killed themselves, but they became the artists they were because of their depression. They needed somewhere to channel all their negative feelings and for many of them probably, art was the only thing they could channel it into. The only thing expressive enough.
The more I thought about it and the more I stumbled on bits and pieces about various artists the more I came to realize he was right. I started reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles again and even she touches upon this a few times, once in this long and really inspirational letter one of her characters writes to another. For me, drawing the patters I often like to draw has always been therapeutic in a way as well as a way of kind of enhancing memory. for some reason when I look back at a knot or pattern I drew during a lecture or something, the thoughts and feelings that I had at the time come through but so do memories of that lecture and that day.
A few months before, this same friend of mine had gotten me a big roll of paper and some supplies because I said I wanted to get into working on knots on a bigger scale. Since then I had been dying to do just that but either too busy or didn't push myself over the depression-induced laziness to start. A few days after we had this conversation though, I finally did. It started because normally when I'm depressed I don't sleep well at all. Well, as usual that night I couldn't sleep and decided to take his advice to an even deeper level. I wanted to make the most intricate, intensely complex knotwork I could come up with (and after like 4 months I'm still not even 1/4 of the way done with it). I needed something to channel all my negative thoughts and feelings into.. something that wouldn't just blow up in my face and couldn't eventually end in more despair and pain. I wanted to take all my suffering, all my misery and channel it into something beautiful. This knotwork pattern is about 5 ft long and almost 2 ft wide.
I suspect the reason for my duller trips lately was because I needed more ideas to keep me busy and after that one trip I was just overwhelmed with them and there wasn't anything else the drugs could help me accomplish for now. Although working on my art helps a lot, it noticeably has its drawbacks.. mainly, whenever I've been working on it for some rediculously long time or more often than usual and then stop working on it I start to feel like I'm going absolutely out of my mind, emotions start going crazy and sometimes I start seeing these patterns everywhere (not like I'm on a drug, more like how I sometimes visualize the finished pattern on a piece of paper except I see it all over the place). This effect comes out even more sometimes when I'm high.
Well, this has been long and ranty and I've put it off for longer than I meant to. I plan on writing more soon (probably as a journal) but this is it for now.
My name is Sam. I don't really even know how long I've had problems with depression. The earliest I can remember being really depressed was back in middle school. That was also the only other time in my life that I thought about ending my life. Until about a year and a half ago I hadn't had problems with suicidal thoughts again but this past year has been soo horrible (as you could probably tell by my ranty journals). To sum up a lot of it, I fell in love with one of my best friends (something that has never been good, and this certainly wasn't any exception), a close relative died (pretty much of old age), my cousin was brutally murdered and my other best friend killed himself (a man I have known and been very close with since elementary school, he had always had problems with depression and abusive family). I found out about my best friend's suicide right AFTER my cousin's funeral.. we were barely even out of the service when I got the phone call and that was where I had finally broken down the hardest through out that whole trip (my cousin's funeral happened in another state that I had to fly out to).
I also got into drugs (psychedelics and marijuana only, I wouldn't do any other kind). My drug use us fairly unpredictable really, there was a time when I was doing psychedelics like 3 or 4 times a week but then stopped for a really long time. I was surprised at how non-addicting all the shit I've done has been. I was raised to believe that weed was VERY addicting and hard to quit and I basically learned through experience that, at least for me, this is bullshit. The only time I ever had a hard time quitting was when I first started and that was purely a social issue, having no psychological or physical dependency to it at all.
Strangely, drugs rarely made much of an impact on me financially, but I have been through tons of financial issues as well as family problems (been through 3 jobs, can't seem to get enough hours anywhere).. I was almost homeless a couple of times (each time it seems I was also taking long breaks from most drugs, weed often excluded).
This past year and a half has had horrible effects on me emotionally and psychologically. As I mentioned before I fell in love with one of my closest friends which, as usual with my love life, only caused major problems between the two of us. I know she used to be into me but I don't know where things changed.. Anyways, after a lot of drama with her our friendship finally seems to be healing somewhat. She knows I've had problems with depression and has always been there in spite of the issues we've had but I don't know if things will ever be the same though. Its difficult also because I tried my best to get over her and still can't.
Also, as mentioned before, my love life has always been a horrible, intensely depressing aspect of my life. I've never had any kind of relationship, pretty much the same shit always happens. There's never anything good or rewarding about it, just more grief, depression, and eventually self-destructiveness.
In the past, depression has always come in waves it seems. There would be times when I felt ok and others when I would be miserable but the past few months its gotten a lot worse. It wont go away anymore and I often just break down into tears now. I hate the way I feel every day, I can't stand the constant loneliness and despair. I feel worthless and hopeless and although there have been ways of lessening its intensity, it still gets pretty intense and after a while seems to overpower whatever it is I'm trying to keep it under control. I'm surprised I haven't broken down at work or anything, its come pretty close a couple of times. I don't want to exist anymore, I just want this all to be over.
I still have two good friends I could talk to if I need to but for some reason I'm kinda scared to tell them. I know the girl I keep mentioning cares about me but I'm afraid of worrying her... I still go to her with a lot of the emotional problems I have but very few people know how bad its getting.
When all this started it started a year and a half ago it started to effect my appetite. When it gets really bad either I stop eating at all or only eat like once every couple of days. At first that started because for some reason the smell of food, even food I actually liked would make me feel nauseous. Now it just happens, I loose my appetite and it doesn't come back for a few days and since I don't feel hungry I just forget to eat.
Fairly recently I briefly got back into drugs and had one really intense, really interesting trip (it was my fourth time tripping this summer). It was very mixed emotionally and psychologically. There were times when I just disconnected completely. I couldn't remember who I was or where I was.. and when I tried to remember I rejected everything I could remember. I seriously asked myself "Am I really that messed up of a person?" Who I was vs who I could remember myself being just didn't make sense to me.. This, however, was also the most visually and creatively inspirational trip I've gotten in quite a while. I like to draw celtic patterns and while on this trip a lot of my visuals were celtic. I would see these beautiful designs and shapes (which I've actually started tracing out).
Since this trip however, all the rest of my trips have been pretty mild and uninsightful. For a little while for some reason psychedelics had this antidepressive effect on my (which is the other reason I started taking them), I would trip and for the next few days I would feel more stable. Since that trip it stopped having this effect (the other reason I stopped). I've only tripped three times since then and my second to last trip was bad, I got horribly sick and started hearing voices and seeing shit that wasn't there... and even not seeing things that were. One of the visuals I remember very vividly was when I was lying on the floor, my friends were around me and one of them was talking to me. I started staring at this vase for a few minutes and slowly it started to glow, then everything around it in my parferal vision turned into line-drawing and then just disappeared.. this kept happening if I just let myself zone out. I might write more on this later.
I'm sorry this is getting to be kind of a long post. Another thing I do to try and manage my depression is artwork (as vaguely mentioned before). A few months ago a friend of mine had suggested it. We were talking about how many people suffer mental illness but don't consider that it could also be a gift. I told him I could kind of see that but I don't see how depression could ever be a gift and that's when he explained that thought better (we were both pretty stoned at the time but this really sank):
Some of the greatest artists in history suffered from depression, many soo intense that they eventually killed themselves, but they became the artists they were because of their depression. They needed somewhere to channel all their negative feelings and for many of them probably, art was the only thing they could channel it into. The only thing expressive enough.
The more I thought about it and the more I stumbled on bits and pieces about various artists the more I came to realize he was right. I started reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles again and even she touches upon this a few times, once in this long and really inspirational letter one of her characters writes to another. For me, drawing the patters I often like to draw has always been therapeutic in a way as well as a way of kind of enhancing memory. for some reason when I look back at a knot or pattern I drew during a lecture or something, the thoughts and feelings that I had at the time come through but so do memories of that lecture and that day.
A few months before, this same friend of mine had gotten me a big roll of paper and some supplies because I said I wanted to get into working on knots on a bigger scale. Since then I had been dying to do just that but either too busy or didn't push myself over the depression-induced laziness to start. A few days after we had this conversation though, I finally did. It started because normally when I'm depressed I don't sleep well at all. Well, as usual that night I couldn't sleep and decided to take his advice to an even deeper level. I wanted to make the most intricate, intensely complex knotwork I could come up with (and after like 4 months I'm still not even 1/4 of the way done with it). I needed something to channel all my negative thoughts and feelings into.. something that wouldn't just blow up in my face and couldn't eventually end in more despair and pain. I wanted to take all my suffering, all my misery and channel it into something beautiful. This knotwork pattern is about 5 ft long and almost 2 ft wide.
I suspect the reason for my duller trips lately was because I needed more ideas to keep me busy and after that one trip I was just overwhelmed with them and there wasn't anything else the drugs could help me accomplish for now. Although working on my art helps a lot, it noticeably has its drawbacks.. mainly, whenever I've been working on it for some rediculously long time or more often than usual and then stop working on it I start to feel like I'm going absolutely out of my mind, emotions start going crazy and sometimes I start seeing these patterns everywhere (not like I'm on a drug, more like how I sometimes visualize the finished pattern on a piece of paper except I see it all over the place). This effect comes out even more sometimes when I'm high.
Well, this has been long and ranty and I've put it off for longer than I meant to. I plan on writing more soon (probably as a journal) but this is it for now.
-
grill tonight with charcoal.....turned out good but had some stuff that I had to feed to Belle and Happy because it was grissley. it tasted pretty good and was a perfect mid rare....
Well, I kinda wonder about that self-medicating thing too to be honest. I have used marijuana like that a few times but for me for some reason using anything for long enough makes it stop working.. or at least not work the way it used to. Right now the only noticeable effect weed has on my depression is it makes me hungry and I'm gonna have to quit soon because of work and school. Otherwise I only smoke socially and even then I've started turning it down. I guess that's why I haven't been able to get addicted to anything, I can't stand long-term use of any drug. I've always known psychedelics weren't meant for casual or chronic use and usually try to take them pretty sparingly. Like I said though, its really unusual for me to use any drug for long periods of time. I often take breaks that have been as long as 5 months and usually when I do start using something its not for very long.
I guess when I started smoking was a pretty depression part of my life too (about half a year before I fell in love with my close friend). I had just gotten back from a rather rough trip to Cali, there was lots of family problems going on there, most of which I'd rather not talk about. Surprisingly though, I seemed to have come out of that sort of ok.. definitely not 100% but not like I am now either.
Ink