Alcohol Recovery Without 12 Steps Community Group
This group was created to explore various recovery paths for Alcoholism. We generally chose to explore paths outside of the AA model, or ones which incorporate, but are not limited to AA. Anyone wanting to learn and explore how to become free from alcohol addiction are welcome. Our main goal is to support each other with compassion and decency, while remaining open minded...
On Feb 10th of 07 I passed out behind the wheel and hit two parked cars a couple of blocks from the house. Bad night. But the beginning of my recovery and life is better now. Its still not easy and all of the reasons that I had to drink are still there. I have Bipolar with severe depression... But I don't spend most of my nights and all of my money at the bars these days and that's a very good thing. The reason I'm writing is that I have finally started the mandated treatment program that goes with a DUII conviction in the state of Oregon. And it feels good to me now. Sobriety has made the precess pretty straight forward for me. Knowing that I am an alcoholic and that I can never have another drink... Knowing that, makes the difference. At least for me. The treatment program is something that I need to do to get my life completely back so that I can move on, but everything that we talk about there makes sense to me now. I'm having to go to a few AA meetings in order to satisfy the judge but I got sober on my own and for whatever reason that makes me feel strong, knowing that I did it on my own.
That said,there are a handful of days every year where it comes back to haunt me. Times where I get especially tired. My spirit spent. And for whatever reason that was the way I was feeling last night. Just so tired. And I actually found myself entertaining the thought of just having a little bit. Entertaining the fantasy. The lie that we all enjoy from time to time. That it could be fun again. That it would allow us to revisit our youth. That we could be free for a bit of time and put all of the pain into a box for the evening. But it never turns out that way. We would instead become a drunken fool, old before there time, reaching for the keys for a drive through the park again at midnight... Maybe this time someone would die... That's what I tell myself at the end of the fantasy. This time someone could die. So I come home instead, make a simple dinner and go to bed and wake up sober the next morning. My streak unbroken. Some days I feel pretty strong in my sobriety... Bordering on cocky. Other times I know better. That there are people with 15 and 20 years under there belts that fall off f the wagon. That that sort of thing happens every night. So some days... like today, I feel like I'm sober and glad for it, but I know just how close we can all be to taking a wrong turn. Humility can take you quite a way.
That said,there are a handful of days every year where it comes back to haunt me. Times where I get especially tired. My spirit spent. And for whatever reason that was the way I was feeling last night. Just so tired. And I actually found myself entertaining the thought of just having a little bit. Entertaining the fantasy. The lie that we all enjoy from time to time. That it could be fun again. That it would allow us to revisit our youth. That we could be free for a bit of time and put all of the pain into a box for the evening. But it never turns out that way. We would instead become a drunken fool, old before there time, reaching for the keys for a drive through the park again at midnight... Maybe this time someone would die... That's what I tell myself at the end of the fantasy. This time someone could die. So I come home instead, make a simple dinner and go to bed and wake up sober the next morning. My streak unbroken. Some days I feel pretty strong in my sobriety... Bordering on cocky. Other times I know better. That there are people with 15 and 20 years under there belts that fall off f the wagon. That that sort of thing happens every night. So some days... like today, I feel like I'm sober and glad for it, but I know just how close we can all be to taking a wrong turn. Humility can take you quite a way.
I appreciate your sharing your story -- it makes me more conscious in my own sobriety. I feel like I am humming along i but I need to be aware of that thought, that voice, that fantasy creeping in and trying to take charge or at least put forward the possibility that I can have a drink. And that even if this thought does slip through and wander around, I don't need to act on it -- unless that action involves doing something else so I don't pick up a drink. Like go home, eat a simple dinner and go to bed. A good solution for a difficult moment.
Good job on four plus years and one night of sobriety. I'm glad you didn't drink. It is good to wake up sober -- the best way to start the day.