Thank you Sarah, thanks for creating this group and reaching out to me from the old website. I definitely have experienced the ongoing affects of having a narcissistic parent. My mother is a narcissist as well. I have spent too much of my life dealing with the fall out of the abuse but I have made great strides in the last few years thanks to also going no contact with my parents.

My breakthrough came when I was able to release myself from the toxic dynamic whilst also being true to my character and integrity. Before this realisation, which has come after decades of therapy, reading books, and watching hours and hours of the many great free resources on youtube, I greatly struggled to reconcile my own principle of wanting to give my best to my relationships and the toxic never changing aspects of how a narcissist operates. It was this personal principle of mine that would get hooked back in.

This was my shift: In accepting my mother as she is and allowing her to be her self exactly as she is, I both honour my principle to allow others to be themselves whilst also simultaneously allowing me to be myself. Myself gives all I can in relationships and works hard to hold in my integrity the truth that I care and will go the distance for those I love. My Narc mother, exactly as she is, cannot provide me a place to be myself, cannot do but what a narc does. Therefore we are both released from an impossible situation. It was a kindness to accept us both and put the no contact boundaries in place.

I went no contact, on 7 December 2016 not knowing exactly my next steps. But I took the time for due dilligence and study to understand this instinctual move and really learn what could be possible going forward. Wow am I eternally grateful to myself for gifting this time to myself. The clarity came. I surrounded myself with expert opinion through research and therapy. I was able to hear my own voice inside my head finally in my life. I gave myself permission to take back the control and permissions for my life.

This first happened over trying to do a PhD. Boy does the pressure of PhD reveal and expose some very personal things about one's personal struggles! I ended up having to walk from my PhD temporarily as I couldnt write. My voice felt I had no permission, my confidence was shattered. I had chased approval and achievement my whole life and really had to interrogate why I was doing a PhD at all. I knew though that walking was the right thing to do. I took the next year and a half to increase my research into myself. I learned much more about the fall out of narc parenting especially the ways in which a person is set up to repeat patterns such as: constantly chasing approval, finding relationships whether personal or professional where the child of a narc and the other involves a dynamic of constantly working insanely hard attracting doing the lions share of the effort in a relationship to prove oneself whilst other parties take advantage.

I did this in my marriage, with my university and supervisors, in the military, in jobs I have had. It was shocking the way the pattern had repeated over and over in so many ways. I have been more determined than ever to root this out and challenge it by replacing it with myself being empowered and not allowing fear to squash me. What is the fear of anyway? That they wont approve or reject me? So what if they do? I accept me and I take full responsibility for myself as I go through life. Ahhh the immense feelings that come from simply being the permission giver and the decision maker in one's own life.

Changes this year: I improved my relationship with my children as I have strengthened greatly emotionally and no longer have this deep sadness, I improved my marriage drastically and now myhusband is owning his behaviour and seeking therapy, I am working on finishing my PhD currently as the university I went to agreed to allow me the chance to submit on my time indefinitely, and I applied to Law School, I have joined a community group helping people attain fair housing and offering my experience in policy from my degrees to help others.

I hope that others can find that shift that helps to free them from the false perceptions that come from the conditioning affects of narcississtic abuses. Xx

what a good read! I am similar to you in that I am starting to come to terms with the fact my mother can't care or doesn't which I think I am still grieving and I am doing EMDR.for another trauma but I'm getting there which is why I'm not. a.leader but simply someone like you who knows we deserve love and kindness and people who are on their own journey can learn from us and each other. I was gutted when I noticed mdj closing and I know I needed this group still and I guessed a lot of others do too! well done I hope to follow you on your road and I will one day be 100 percent free.