Adult survivors of child abuse Community Group
A group to help support and heal adult survivors of child abuse. Limited to those who want to change the cycle...not perpetuate it.
I hate the fact that my mental stability always seems to be tittering on the edge of collapse.
I have survived abuse when I was a child and then again as an adult. and the memories and emotions of it will hit me at any time, Smells, sounds, they way the light will hit my face it just makes me cringe inside and I panic everything that was in my surrounding is completely gone, and I am living in horror of my past life. I want to be normal, or I want to just be gone from this torment. I am not suicidal! just so you know. I feel like it would be easy to let the boundries dropin all at once around me and let my psychosis take over again. I hear the voices of my past telling me that this is all my fault that I desearved more than I got so I should be lucky, only babies cry so shut up, and it goes on, I know the voice isn't happening in the hear and now, so not sure if this would be classified as hallucenating or not.
MY BACK STORY, I was born addicted to drugs, I weighed just over 2 lbs and was 12" long, the abuse started in somewhere when I was around 6 months old (according to court documents). I was beat. I was thrown into a wall because I cried (hints no crying allowed now) I ended up with skull fractures, now I suffer from Migraines and Seizures.
I was raped multiple times by the time I was 2 years old (with full penetration) surgery had to repair my vagina and anus.
I was taken out of the house around the age 2 but the (MOTHER) was still allowed visitation and her bf raped me again at the age of 4 or 5. during a birthday party. So (MOTHERs) visitation went to supervised Visitation. then just never showed up and left me with complete strangers (BTW I got records from THE CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES AND THE COURTS, reason I know all of this). not fast forwarding about 20 years I got married to a real jerk, but I was stupid I thought once we were together it would fill that void I had inside, it didn't, he was in the military and I got pregnant with my oldest daughter I was 3000 miles away from anybody that I knew except him, then he was sent for a month to training excercizes. He took both sets of keys to the apartment and the car I owned before I met him with him to the training excercize. He locked me in the apartment, I was left with a pint of milk 2 individual boxes of cereal and a can of soup. While being pregnant. I managed to get out, Im sure the security deposit was never returned. I left and got to a phone and got some friends of mine to purchase a plane ticket for me. I was back home in a few hours. But at home wasn't much better, his mom found out I was back. she somehow got ahold of him.
he came back to take me back with him, which I didn't go, I had found a job before he came for me, but he came to my work and got me fired I still didn't go back. I started having contractions so I went to the hospital and they refused to let me fly back. infact I was admitted to hospital. so the jerk went back to the military. The hospital offered all type of councelling but I was stupid and didn't take them up on the offer because I was so sure I had everything under control, boy was I wrong.
I ended up with post-partum depression, I sought help and during that help I ended up being diagnosed with a list of mental ailments that stemed from the childhood abuse, PTSD, MAJOR DEPRESSION, POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION, PSYCHOSIS, and BORDERLINE DISORDER. I ended up in a treatment facility for a week, which he found out about, cause his nosey mother filed a missing persons report on my daughter (not me mind you), I had my daughter with me she was still breast feeding. (and dont worry I didn't take psychotropic drugs during that time either) at this time he was deployed to Iraq and his mom got it so he could come home, (against my wishes). While he was home "helping" he wanted sex and I had no desire for sex my libido was still down, I had a baby, and I wanted to get away from him. He forced me into having sex and boy or boy I got knocked up again. I went to get an abortion (sorry for those of you who are prolife) he followed me and forced me home, and that is when he started to physically hit me, cops were called I ended up in jail because I took my daughter to someone elses house after the fight and I refused to tell him or the cops where I took her. when I was finally able to break away from him (more than a year later) he used my arrest the fact that I was in a psychatric hospial for a week against me and was able to be granted primary custody. The kids didn't like this anymore than I did. but I had to go by the court order.
but after I left him he would show up pissed and would abuse me, he messed up my back so bad I had to have surgery on it (had to have a rod placed)
when our oldest was 5 she reported to a baby sitter that her daddy had her make his pee pee feel better. I was called home from work, this was reported, but she wouldn't talk to the police. She reported it again when she was 7 and her little sister was 5 he was arrested after both girls testified he is now no longer allowed anywhere around us.
I have remarried, he is a good guy, he has never hit me or yelled at me except just to get my attention, he is good with the girls and he knows about my past because sometime without warning that he knows about I will just have major panic attacks. and I can't move. I still have seizures from the head trauma.
I am doing as well as can be expected I guess but I am just not into things, and its making our marriage suffer, if he touches me and I am not aware he is about to I flip out. hes always having to walk on eggshells around me. just so I don't lose myself. I push him away but when he backs up, I need him or I feel as if I am going to die. (Yes I am aware that my mind is messed up) Part of this is the PTSD and part is the BPD.
The girls are safe and happy for the most part. they are loved and know that they are loved, I have them in counceling (I should have when I was younger) and they are thrieving.
I have survived abuse when I was a child and then again as an adult. and the memories and emotions of it will hit me at any time, Smells, sounds, they way the light will hit my face it just makes me cringe inside and I panic everything that was in my surrounding is completely gone, and I am living in horror of my past life. I want to be normal, or I want to just be gone from this torment. I am not suicidal! just so you know. I feel like it would be easy to let the boundries dropin all at once around me and let my psychosis take over again. I hear the voices of my past telling me that this is all my fault that I desearved more than I got so I should be lucky, only babies cry so shut up, and it goes on, I know the voice isn't happening in the hear and now, so not sure if this would be classified as hallucenating or not.
MY BACK STORY, I was born addicted to drugs, I weighed just over 2 lbs and was 12" long, the abuse started in somewhere when I was around 6 months old (according to court documents). I was beat. I was thrown into a wall because I cried (hints no crying allowed now) I ended up with skull fractures, now I suffer from Migraines and Seizures.
I was raped multiple times by the time I was 2 years old (with full penetration) surgery had to repair my vagina and anus.
I was taken out of the house around the age 2 but the (MOTHER) was still allowed visitation and her bf raped me again at the age of 4 or 5. during a birthday party. So (MOTHERs) visitation went to supervised Visitation. then just never showed up and left me with complete strangers (BTW I got records from THE CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES AND THE COURTS, reason I know all of this). not fast forwarding about 20 years I got married to a real jerk, but I was stupid I thought once we were together it would fill that void I had inside, it didn't, he was in the military and I got pregnant with my oldest daughter I was 3000 miles away from anybody that I knew except him, then he was sent for a month to training excercizes. He took both sets of keys to the apartment and the car I owned before I met him with him to the training excercize. He locked me in the apartment, I was left with a pint of milk 2 individual boxes of cereal and a can of soup. While being pregnant. I managed to get out, Im sure the security deposit was never returned. I left and got to a phone and got some friends of mine to purchase a plane ticket for me. I was back home in a few hours. But at home wasn't much better, his mom found out I was back. she somehow got ahold of him.
he came back to take me back with him, which I didn't go, I had found a job before he came for me, but he came to my work and got me fired I still didn't go back. I started having contractions so I went to the hospital and they refused to let me fly back. infact I was admitted to hospital. so the jerk went back to the military. The hospital offered all type of councelling but I was stupid and didn't take them up on the offer because I was so sure I had everything under control, boy was I wrong.
I ended up with post-partum depression, I sought help and during that help I ended up being diagnosed with a list of mental ailments that stemed from the childhood abuse, PTSD, MAJOR DEPRESSION, POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION, PSYCHOSIS, and BORDERLINE DISORDER. I ended up in a treatment facility for a week, which he found out about, cause his nosey mother filed a missing persons report on my daughter (not me mind you), I had my daughter with me she was still breast feeding. (and dont worry I didn't take psychotropic drugs during that time either) at this time he was deployed to Iraq and his mom got it so he could come home, (against my wishes). While he was home "helping" he wanted sex and I had no desire for sex my libido was still down, I had a baby, and I wanted to get away from him. He forced me into having sex and boy or boy I got knocked up again. I went to get an abortion (sorry for those of you who are prolife) he followed me and forced me home, and that is when he started to physically hit me, cops were called I ended up in jail because I took my daughter to someone elses house after the fight and I refused to tell him or the cops where I took her. when I was finally able to break away from him (more than a year later) he used my arrest the fact that I was in a psychatric hospial for a week against me and was able to be granted primary custody. The kids didn't like this anymore than I did. but I had to go by the court order.
but after I left him he would show up pissed and would abuse me, he messed up my back so bad I had to have surgery on it (had to have a rod placed)
when our oldest was 5 she reported to a baby sitter that her daddy had her make his pee pee feel better. I was called home from work, this was reported, but she wouldn't talk to the police. She reported it again when she was 7 and her little sister was 5 he was arrested after both girls testified he is now no longer allowed anywhere around us.
I have remarried, he is a good guy, he has never hit me or yelled at me except just to get my attention, he is good with the girls and he knows about my past because sometime without warning that he knows about I will just have major panic attacks. and I can't move. I still have seizures from the head trauma.
I am doing as well as can be expected I guess but I am just not into things, and its making our marriage suffer, if he touches me and I am not aware he is about to I flip out. hes always having to walk on eggshells around me. just so I don't lose myself. I push him away but when he backs up, I need him or I feel as if I am going to die. (Yes I am aware that my mind is messed up) Part of this is the PTSD and part is the BPD.
The girls are safe and happy for the most part. they are loved and know that they are loved, I have them in counceling (I should have when I was younger) and they are thrieving.
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