Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
The Narcissistic Game
Okay now, for those of you who are not narcissistic here are the rules.
The game begins when the ego is threatened by an insult or a perceived insult will do. It is considered fair to twist someone’s words until they fit. Now we have the ‘victim’. Of course we will never actually call them that but, for this rules purpose that is what we will call them.
The game is played by getting as many people on your side as possible. Do not hesitate to lie or exaggerate. Talking behind each others backs is necessary to play the game, so do not worry about destroying the family or that it might be better to actually talk to your loved one face to face.
You will know when you are playing the game correctly if you are feeling righteous and feel that you have done all that you have done for the victim. If you were misguided and were actually talking in order to help the person; it is considered very bad form and a strict violation of the rules to actually extend genuine empathy and support, and to help the victim.
If there is someone that does not want to play the game anymore it is considered fair, and even more fun, to carry on without them. After all you can stack your odds for winning if that person is no longer there to defend themselves.
If there is a former player that wishes to expose the game this is when it is most important to be as vindictive as you can be, or even violent if necessary. Don’t worry about ramifications; part of the rules of the game is to keep a strict list of the victim’s former faults at the ready, for such an emergency. It does not matter how far you reach back as long as there is a sliver of truth we can make a very good case.
Playing this game of course leaves you perpetually emotionally bruised, and running the risk of being the victim one day, but it is worth that fleeting feeling of being at the centre of attention and drama, when you have the luck of having caught an insult or threat and you manipulate those around you onto your team. You can, for another day, believe that you are better than, more powerful than everyone else, and that is enough.
My fine survivors are there any you might add??
Okay now, for those of you who are not narcissistic here are the rules.
The game begins when the ego is threatened by an insult or a perceived insult will do. It is considered fair to twist someone’s words until they fit. Now we have the ‘victim’. Of course we will never actually call them that but, for this rules purpose that is what we will call them.
The game is played by getting as many people on your side as possible. Do not hesitate to lie or exaggerate. Talking behind each others backs is necessary to play the game, so do not worry about destroying the family or that it might be better to actually talk to your loved one face to face.
You will know when you are playing the game correctly if you are feeling righteous and feel that you have done all that you have done for the victim. If you were misguided and were actually talking in order to help the person; it is considered very bad form and a strict violation of the rules to actually extend genuine empathy and support, and to help the victim.
If there is someone that does not want to play the game anymore it is considered fair, and even more fun, to carry on without them. After all you can stack your odds for winning if that person is no longer there to defend themselves.
If there is a former player that wishes to expose the game this is when it is most important to be as vindictive as you can be, or even violent if necessary. Don’t worry about ramifications; part of the rules of the game is to keep a strict list of the victim’s former faults at the ready, for such an emergency. It does not matter how far you reach back as long as there is a sliver of truth we can make a very good case.
Playing this game of course leaves you perpetually emotionally bruised, and running the risk of being the victim one day, but it is worth that fleeting feeling of being at the centre of attention and drama, when you have the luck of having caught an insult or threat and you manipulate those around you onto your team. You can, for another day, believe that you are better than, more powerful than everyone else, and that is enough.
My fine survivors are there any you might add??
It is also like being in a weird medieval court sometimes. There are unwritten rules everyone must abide by, and every once in a while there has to be a beheading to keep the subjects in line. Neither the rulers trusted adviser (golden child) nor the whipping boy (scapegoat) safe from her wrath, and she will dispatch of either of them at whim, but always in shackles, so that although they are no longer subject to the courts rules they cannot freely succeed outside her kingdom. When the other subjects complain about these banishments, stories and myths are created about how the banished ones are real monsters, and the ruler "the perfect and benevolent one" always only does what is in the best interest of the kingdom.
And he wonders why i don't want to have sex anymore!!!
I ahve one leg much shorter than the other and wear lifts.
At first I choose pooorly..... I took off the shoes.
Then the pain came!!!!!!!!!
I put my shoes back on.
She yelled at me.
I yelled back to dial 911 because I was gonna be on the floor with a back spasm so bad I would need the hospital.
Mind you the house was full of people with no shoes on.
Little by littel more and more people put their shoes back on.........
We left early
Very sad way to behave......
was that vindictive??? I don't know when I am being mean! That frigntens me into submitting a lot. So I need your help.
If I am hijacking this thread. Please tell me and I will retell this story on a new one to get replies.
I went home and went for a visit when she was gone.
Darn was that mean?
I am sorry for asking so much.
I asked my shrink one time, do I have a light that goes on over my head, and narc's and user's see me a mile away? she said, it this way, It's not that these kind of people can see, it's that your (my) bullshit meter is broken, it has been set way low, so, it takes a while for me to see/smell/hear bullshit. The problem becomes worse if I don't recognise this and do something about it. By standing up for myself, little by little, my bullshit meter is picking up things I wouldn't have seen a while ago. It's a process, a long one. And we all deserve it, one step at a time. one push, one hug, and encouragement. We are all worth it, and might I say, WAY OVERDUE!!! :)
please don't be sorry for asking anything, just ask,. remember, you weren't allowed to ask when younger, you can now!!
This is really interesting, I had never heard anyone else talk about this (this site is so enlightening!). I didn't realize that I apologize way too much until a year or so ago when my friend turned to me and said, "Do you realize how much you say "sorry" ...I swear it is like you are apologizing for existing or something". And she was totally right. I had been trained to apologize for asking for anything because my mom considered my every need to be a huge burden, like others have said. So in a way I WAS apologizing for existing. Now I try to stop it sometimes, but usually it is out of my mouth before I realize it. Also, I say " I " way too much in my sentences. Is this a learned trait from the n-parent? What do you all think?
THere are days when I really am sorry that I survived near death. I am so tired of getting hurt because I don't see it coming.
I am tired of people taking advantage because I was taught that if I do enough for others they will eventually says thanks.
Wow, that is a word that I never heard from family, It was just expected that I drop my life and care for them until they were done with me and sent me away again.
It is like the little child who wants to play and is willing to do anything for attention.
SPeaking of playing, dad used to demand that I play chess with him every SUnday afternoon in 9th grade. He never once taught me any strategy or explained how to win. He just beat me over and over and over. AND HE WA SO DAM PROUD of beating a 9th grader.
In hopsitla waiting for my turn at major surgery, dad came with mom, He forced me to play cards with him for 6 hours. He won every game.
I really hate the two of them for what they did to me using me like that to make themselves seem smarter, better.
Sorry is one of those things I hate. Then, I hate it when others who don't know of my background look at me as if I'm weird, It seems as if there is no middle road. As hard as I am trying to find middle ground, I can't.
I really wonder if there is life, a good life after all of this abuse and shite! (shite is another favourite word as well :~} )