Keep going, awareness is half the battle!

I also have never been in a healthy relationship. Even all my bosses have been abusive in some way.
I have never had a true friend to stand by me.

I am a good person who works, pays her bills, does not smoke, drink or do drugs. I have never been in any legal trouble, not even a traffic ticket. I raised my daughter on my own without any help from anyone or assistance of any kind. I take care of my own house and yard. I never ask anyone for anything.

I am really down today after attending a small wedding and watching all the people who were friends dancing and having a fun time. (I am only an acquaintance through my daughter) I just don't get it at all why I have never at 43 years of age had this kind of supportive companionship from anyone and why life is still just a continuing struggle.

I forgot to address the subject of this post which is Scapegoating.
I am the youngest of five children and I am the scapegoat. The weird one who dares to be different.
They are all pot smoking rednecks. I am the only surviving daughter, but you would never know it.
I can't even bear to write out the entire story here. It's a mess!
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, though.

I know that victim feeling and it doesn't give you any comfort. Shed it like an old old snake skin that you don't need.xxxxx

Weddings can be downers at times- with everyone seeming so happy.One day that'll be you bopping about! Until then,take comfort in your life well led-it's a credit to you! xxxxx

Hi BH! I know exactly how you feel! I too always wondered why everyone else's life and family seemed so much better than mine! It is a struggle to feel a part of a group,. Trust is a major issue that does not allow us to get close to most people. We have the plastic wall up all the time as self protection. That is because we learned in childhood that we could NOT trust the very people who we should have been able to trust. Our parents and siblings. It will follow us into our work, our social relationships, our lovers, and sometimes, even our children. We expect nothing, because we are the only one we can trust. We are notorious loners, however we so want to be part of that happy group, we want so dearly to have a best friend, lover, and a family like the cleavers. Our legacy is that we struggle with our vulnerability, while hiding behind the facade that we need no one. It is all linked to the trust we have learned not to expect. But it is a learned behavior, and by being open honest and allowing SOME vulnerability with the right person, I do hope it s possible to find true happiness. I am hoping that for myself as well. But we keep people from getting to close, not intentionally, but we get afraid of reliving the deception, and fear the ultimate let down, knowing that the person we so want to trust is not capable of being trustworthy. We experienced that as young children, and have learned self protective behaviors. Yet, we also agree notoriously very hard on ourselves, thinking WE are failures because we cannot find relationships that meet our needs. We are the paradox of independent yet, very, very, emotionally needy if the person can get past the plastic wall. It is a wall that is not unable to be penetrated, but when we allow another to find out who we really are, we feel vulnerable, hold back, and ultimately ruin relationships. We all have to find a way to maintain appropriate boundaries , but allow enough vulnerability to be open to love. That is the real challenge. Don't give up. I will not believe that it is impossible. If you love life, life will love you back. We have to learn how to love life, even with the daily struggles we have to deal with. Sometimes, we can be TOO independent for our own good.

I think what I forgot to add is that we do not trust our own intuition. We enter relationships many times, knowing they are wrong, but we do not trust our own judgement, even though we should. It adds to our helplessness and hopelessness that we cannot trust even ourselves, although we should.