Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
I’m a VERY grown, mature, and accomplished woman still dealing with the emotional abuse of a narcissistic elderly mother. I’ve been dealing with the emotional and psychological abuses: silent treatment, insults, gossip, victimization, taking everything personally, passive aggressiveness, constant complaining for about 24+years. It has ruined my relationship with my sister. I have tried EVERYTHING to help myself, my mum, my sister and now my son. Therapy for myself, self help, venting, meditation, reading, running away from it, ignoring it, cajoling, arguing, standing up for myself. Nothing works. I have berated myself for being easily drawn in by her guilt, for not being a “good daughter”, for not living close to her as she moves into advanced age. Frankly, the less I see her the better. That was the best tact for me in my earlier years, then I had a son and it changed. But she is an elderly woman with nearly no friends (I think predominately because of her behavior), no hobbies, no avocations. She does not drive. She only goes out to the mall, the grocery stores, the doctors and the vet with her very attached emotionally unbalanced dog. She obsesses about her pets. She is chasing everyone out of her life and I seem to be the only one who has stuck around and tried to make it work. Anything work. It now feels fruitless and like I have wasted so much time loving this person when she is so entrenched in herself. Yes, she had a bad childhood. Yes, obviously her emotional development was stunted, yes, she has never sought help because she thinks nothing is wrong with her. And she can’t understand why my sister won’t have anything to do with her. “I must have been a really bad mother but I can’t for the life of me understand what I did.” My father died one and a half years ago. It was awful and he and my Mum fought for years. He wasn’t easy either. He was just distant and overtly critical (that wasn’t great either). So I figured getting in a support environment could be a good idea. Thanks for the listen!
Your mother did not do her spiritual work in life. Please remember, it is not your responsibility to carry her burden. If you are still feeling like you need her approval, it is not safe for you to be around her. This can seriously effect your life force. Do you feel fatigue, body pain, foggy thinking? There is a reason others are fleeing.
Here are some defense tactics that have worked for me....
HUMOR
I have one uncle that had a gift of turning a narc attack into a joke. Everyone would go from being completely uncomfortable to cracking up laughing, including the perpetrator.
DEFLECTION
Changing the subject often works. Say mom's going on about how horrible you are, try responding by asking her where she got her blouse or asking her about her weekend plans. Ask about the latest medical condition. It's best to make it about them. Typically, they like to talk about themselves.
APPRECIATION OF THE ARTS
Alternatively, just let them run out of steam. Sit quietly and see how long they will go on for. I find this hilarious. Time it on your phone and see what her record is. This has been really effective with my "mother". It is a good one, because they sometimes start to hear themselves. When they are done, redirect the conversation to something that is not about you. If I'm getting really ripped into, it is hard for me to look at them, so I'll stare out the window or mess with my phone or something. Maybe play with the dog. Distract myself, so I'm less likely to feed into it.
The bottom line is, you cannot give up your energy. Typically, narcs repeat abuse cycles they have experienced - or some interpretation of it. Instead of dealing with their own junk, they pass it on to others.
There is nothing wrong with you. That is the brainwashing from your childhood. You DESERVE respect from others, that includes your mother. Your mother is sick and not a credible source to judge your life. You come first. Also, you sound like a pretty good daughter. The old fart is lucky you are sticking around to take care of her. ; )
come in handy. I’m going to screenshot it as a reminder. Thank you!!!