My mom passed away tragically on Easter weekend. I found out about it by happenstance, when my son got a phone call from a reporter looking for my comments. He then googled the newspaper, and found the article about my mother's tragic and gruesome end. He called his father, who called me at work to tell me the news. When he said "your mother is dead" and, I answered him with a "what!?", he said "what is wrong with you? I said Your Mother is Dead!!". He then went on to describe the gruesome "accident". Well, it was no accident. I was horrified, sick to my stomach, and feeling very despondent. I had been working very hard with my therapist to try to forgive her for all that she has done to me, and I did not get close. I went no contact, completely after she vindictively prevented me from seeing my father before he died, even as he asked for me. She told the hospital staff all sorts of lies to restrict me from visiting. My n-sister from hell was driving the bus, and my mother gave her the keys. I decided that it was not in my best interest to fly out to the Midwest to see him when they restricted me from even entering the hospital like I was a criminal. They also were negligent in delaying treatment of a clot in his leg, which eventually, to save his life, would have required amputation, which my mother would not consent to, as my father was at that point , not quite in his right mind. He eventually died from sepsis and dehydration. That was a year and a half ago.

My mother was living with me up to 4 years ago when my n-sister got involved back with my mother after a 35 year hiatus. My mother and father moved near me when my dads health started to fail, and she could not handle it. She drove me crazy. Nothing was ever right, complaining about everything,being impossible, frantic, anxiety riddled, OCD beyond belief. I was taking care of everything for them. Finances, housing, doctor appointments, caring for my father in my home. I had a whole wing added to accommodate them, since my sister had abandoned them long ago. I took care of their investments, closed on their properties, all this while my marriage deteriorated, I was working full time, and had two children still at home full time, and one in college. Then, after I got her to move out of my home back to their condo after my dad finished rehab from his first hip fracture, I talked her into getting a companion for my father (who I found through an agency) so they she could have 6 hours to herself 3 days a week. Well, that "companion" became my mothers "friend" and she started telling him what her investments were, etc. well, you get the idea. I warned her not to speak of money to strangers, and she would insist he was her "friend". I told her no, he is the hired companion. She would not hear anything of it. I found out she was giving him gifts and money, on top f being paid for his services. Then she became very depressed after my father fell again and this time shattered his hip and pelvis. Dad unfortunately had some underlying degenerative neurological disease, as well as some dementia, depression and osteoporosis . She refused to get round the clock help for him, which I did offer, over and over. She would not hear of it. She moved back into my home, as she could not live alone, while my father again, had a prolonged hospitalization and rehab. During this time, I finally had to insist that she see a therapist due to her depression and wacky behavior in my home. Well, that opened up another horror in that the therapist told her she needed to contact my n-sis to let her know of my fathers health issues, that n-sis had a right to know. Well, the once abandoning daughter from out of state suddenly became very attentive, surely because my mother was speaking of money. My sister worked on my mother for over a year to discredit me, lie about me, and tell my mother I was an idiot because I did not move their money out of the stock market before the market crashed. It became a complete nightmare. My mother would wait to attack me before work, and the minute I came home from work. The words coming out of her mouth were those of my n-sis and n - brother in law. She would insult me, tell me I was stupid, that I knew very little about anything. I eventually could not take it any more. There is so much else to say, but I think you all get the idea that she made my life a living hell. Then she planned a victorious exit strategy, leaving my house with my n- sisters best friend with all her belongings, this after I spent the previous 4 months renovating her new condo so she could move in. She never did move in to the second condo. She made me sell the first condo they had because she felt it was not built right. It was downright gorgeous, but the "companion-friend " who seemed to have An expert opinion on everything, told her the building was "shoddy". I could go on and on, but it would be a damn novel.

Long story short, she took my father out of the nursing facility, and went out of state to get "better medical care" and promptly turned over all her assets to my n- sis and bro in law (who is by the way a convicted felon who has mob ties and did time for financial fraud) . No sooner did she leave the state, they liquidated all of her financial investments. This, mind you was at the bottom of the market, so they took big losses on blue chip stock.... They sold her car, her condo, and everything else. She then sued me and my husband for money that my father had given us years ago. It became a three ring circus of lawsuits, accusations, and lies. All to be sure the bond with me was forever broken. So, although this is a very abridged version, I think all can understand my intense anger and , yes, hatred for my mother, n-sis, and bro in law.

So, now mommy dearest is found to have met a tragic end, and n- sis does not even have the decency to have someone notify me before the press. I have felt every emotion that is possible. Anger, sadness, hatred, remorse, guilt, and, yes, love, somewhere in there. I am very conflicted. I know my mother's death was no accident. I cannot put any details here because the investigation is still ongoing. I feel compelled in someway to vindicate her wrongful death, yet another part of me feels that since she sold her soul to the devil, maybe she got a fitting end, but then she is still my mother, and a human being, and I am not cruel, or horrible, or vindictive enough to truly believe that in my heart. I am in some ways heartbroken that I never had the family I wanted, and then the reality is that it was not at all my fault that I didn't. I guess there was a little girl inside of me that wished she would have apologized to me for all of her cruelty, that she would realize what she had done, and at least acknowledge that before she left this life. And the final stab and twist of the knife is yet to come, when I am notified that I was disinherited from whatever remains of her estate since I am sure she met her untimely end by having found out the truth about what n-sis and bro- in- law were really doing with her money. My father's death certificate was probably not a day old before they removed all his money from an IRA annuity, before it's maturation, that was supposed to create income for my mother for the rest of her life. Instead they took it out, paid both penalties and taxes on it I am sure. It was all about the money. Without it, she was not worth the trouble or expense.

I don't know how to grieve under the circumstances. I was not allowed closure with my fathers death, and now my mothers. I cannot get the feelings of complete and utter helplessness, hopelessness, and intense sadness at such a tragic end to both of my parents. My father was going to die, he was wasting away mentally an physically, they only hastened his death by not treating a blood clot that cut off circulation to his leg. My mother, other than her personality disorders, was physically fine. She had arthritis and osteoporosis, but nothing that was going to kill her. I have no one except one cousin who can relate to my feelings. The last time I spoke to my mother, she lamented that she had wished my sister and I could have been friends. Yet she did everything to prevent it. And last but not .least she told me " I should never have had you. It upset your sister too much".

I don't know how to emotionally survive this except to bury it, and never speak of it again, once some time has passed. I have my children. I have my career. But I have a hole in my heart that I fear will never heal, and will prevent me from ever reaching a state of true happiness.