Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
Hello everyone,
I feel I could use some help since I just joined here and I have been looking for a place to tell my stories with others who have experienced what I went through and to give me advice because I am tired. Tired emotionally, physically and everything else in between.
I was raised by narcissistic parents. I am the oldest son with one sister and a brother. Both of whom are the "golden kids". Ever since I grew up I felt that no matter what I did was never enough for my parents. When I was little I wrote a story in which the teacher loved it, but the first thing my dad said when he read it was "You copied this story from somewhere didn't you?"
My parents kept a tight hold on me, trying to control me and making me feel like I have no brains and I am stupid enough to make my own decisions. I kept growing apart from them by mainly staying in my room and trying to minimize my engagement with them. But both my brother and sister were always the golden ones. Always trying that extra mile to satisfy them. Ever since I was a kid I felt strange trying to behave like them, almost felt like I am losing who I truly am.
I honestly thought that it was me, it was something I did. So I started hating myself, hating who I became because of my parents ill-feeling towards me and the golden treatment my brother and sister received. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist in secret because I felt if my parents knew I would be in the receiving end of extreme hate and anger because that's not who my parents raised or because I will be labeled a true and utter failure. I remember she told me that it's not my fault. Every story I would tell her about how my parents treated me, to me it was because I felt I was responsible and the reason for me seeing a psychiatrist so she can cure me, but then I realized it is my parents' fault.
2 years ago I got married and now that I can express my independence from them, their anger, hate and despise of me has grown so much it is affecting my wife. They barely acknowledge her, talk to her. At first, I tried to be the bridge in between because I didn't understand whom my parents really are. But the more I tried to explain (sometimes lie) to my wife why my mom did this or why my sister did that has become tiresome. Eventually, I told my wife I can't handle it anymore. I honestly became so tired that before we even went to see my parents I was emotionally exhaustive because I knew that we were in for a long and painful night of nasty comments, ignoring us and at most times my wife and having to justify all that by lying to my wife. First, it was they are just tired hun nothing against you personally, then it was "my mom/dad called, they say hi and they miss you". Slowly I started having the fake idea that my parents are awesome but deep down I knew who they really are.
My wife became pregnant months ago, my parents insisted I call my brother and sister (which I wanted to do in the first place but somehow felt they are trying to control me or making me feel too stupid to realize what I should be doing next). When my brother's wife got pregnant he calls and says "My phone call with you is just to let you know that my wife is pregnant too"...really???
Ever since then I feel that whenever I am around my brother and sister it is always them trying to compete with me for the attention and love of my parents. Every time this happens I hate them even more because deep down I know that's not healthy. The more I see them the more I become not caring about what they are doing, but somehow my parents seem to want me to compete. It felt like pushing me to compete for their affection. Nowadays whenever I see them they always say "Your brother helped us! Your brother keeps visiting us everyday! Your brother's wife calls me all the time! But your wife doesn't!!"
They became blind to whatever wrong my brother or his wife or my sister are doing to me and giving me intense focus on every action that I do. The one event that truly broke me was a few months back I asked my brother "You know whether you are having a baby boy or girl?" he replied with "We don't care as long as the baby is healthy". How foolish was I. I realized that my brother told everyone about the sex of the baby except me. At first, I noticed a pillow with the label "Family Tree" where my parents' name was on it and below them are our names. Beneath my sister was a pink hairpin, so was under mine, but my brother (who said that he doesn't care) has a pair of blue shoes. I said nothing, but then last week my uncle's wife said in front of my brother "Congrats on the baby boy!" I was shocked because I didn't care if he didn't tell me. But tell everyone in the family except his own brother?? My parents knew of this and somehow were ok with it?? It truly broke me to realize that my parents lied to me. I confronted my mother and she lied to me and said "Oh we found out yesterday" I didn't want to confront her with the family tree pillow. Because I never realized that my mom is actually lying to my face and covering up the mistakes of my brother, his wife and they did!
Whenever there is a social occasion me and my wife have to be there. To show the world that we are a happy family. My parents would get angry if we didn't come. They don't care if something important came up, they will say "you are lying to us. You don't want to see us, your brother is coming! So is his wife!"
Yesterday we were forced to see my parents because one of my uncles invited us. They forced me to come because it's either we come or they-and I quote "never forgive you and will hate you and your wife". When my wife and I came no one wanted to talk to us, not my brother, not his wife (for some reason is enjoying all the attention to her and not to my wife) and not even my sister or mother. When my wife sat next to my sister she got up quickly and sat somewhere far. When my wife was eating peanuts my sister took the plate from her and started eating the peanuts without excusing or anything!
I honestly have so much more to say. I just wish I could talk to you all about it and you can all give me advice. I came here because after looking through online on what is going on in my life I saw all the articles on narcissistic parents. I need someone to talk to.
I'm the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. Conversations with my mother always consist of a 20 minute rant about how great he is.. how everyone loves him.. how he's so funny.. etc..etc. I love my brother and I"m happy for him, but I don't need to hear everyday how great he is (with no real accomplishments). And whenever I decide to try to share something serious that I'm going through, or start talking about my life after listening to her talk at me for 45 minutes, all I get is-- Alright then... well.... I"ll talk to you later.
I ended up moving 4 states away and my parents would visit several times a year. It got to the point where I got so tired of the awkwardness in my own home-- my father feeling as if he needed to shine some attention on my mother every so often just because he and I were talking on a topic that she was either not into (computers), or just simply not a part of that particular conversation.-- that I just started disappearing when they were over. I would leave them to enjoy my home without me and come back when they were asleep. Or I'd sleep in and let my mother play wife to my father without my interference.
When I was younger, in my 20s, I determined that you can't pick your family and sometimes people in your family are just not good people..for whatever reason...due to whatever issues they have or whatever situation they may not have recovered from. And once I fully became the bad guy to not only my family, but to my relatives, due to my mother constantly talking bad about me, I decided to just leave them all alone and try to just do me. I put all my energy into work.. and eventually, school.
I'm not married and don't have a lot of friends at this point. I seem to attract other abusive or belittling people. I try my best to help them, either financially or emotionally, ultimately get tired of it, and then cut them off. It's the same cycle over and over.
I feel you're banging your head against a brick wall trying to "fit in" or change their narrative in your family dynamic. I really hope you can find strength in your relationship and in your new family circle, and turn your back on anyone who does not add positive value to your well being.. especially your parents and siblings.
I finally had to cut my brother off last week after trying hard for years not to let my mother's tactics break us apart. But he's so brainwashed and seems to take up her cause that there's no getting through to him. He's married and still maintains his bedroom in their house. Little mama's boy who thinks he's a man. And I'm done trying to explain that I'm not angry for nothing. That I am indeed "off" because of certain things that went down in the house. That I'm bipolar depressed regardless if he thinks there's nothing wrong with me. He went off on me via text, basically spouting my mother's sermon at me, and that was the last straw. I'm too fragile emotionally at this point to let my family plant any more seeds in my head while I'm trying to recover.
It's sad and upsetting to come to the realization that you don't have that textbook family. Or that you don't have the love you should be getting.. and instead you're get all the other nonsense you certainly don't deserve. I cry at least once a day. Have been for years. Sometimes in the most inopportune places. It's hard to cut off your family when the world doesn't condone that behavior. But now I know there's a name for it, and I'm not alone in this struggle. Some people are just screwed up and some people end up their kids. Things could always be worse, I guess...
I wish you the best in your struggle and hope you find the strength to either get some space, or learn how to deal with them without getting hurt.