I live in an extremely expensive part of CA and took on the brave act of moving to my family's property - where my narc mother lives, in order to save some money.  The idea is to stay until all my debt is paid off and, if can stand it, long enough to save up a down payment on a house. While I live in a mostly separate apartment off the back of the house and try to keep as isolated as possible, I ocasionally have narc encounters.  I hadn't lived with her in 10+ years when I moved back to the ranch.  When I did, I began to reflect on all the stages I've been through dealing with her:

1) All the world's problems are my fault and I'm horrible - self harm.  Even at 4 years old I would rip my hair out and bang my head on the wall.  (age 17 and below)

2) Everyone is a product of their childhood.  She did not have it so easy.  It's not my fault, but I still need a mom.  (age 18 - 21)

3) Me + alcohol = "I'm doing just fine" .   Self harm continues.  As I got older I'd burn holes into my skin, smoke cigarettes, and drink excessively.  I began packing on the pounds. (age 21 - 27)

4) Okay, she is still being horrible.  At what point is she going to do some work? Time to forget about her and get my crap together.  Lost a bunch of weight.  Was eating healthy.  Meditating regularly.  (28 - 31)

5) For the first time, I really mean it when I say her opinion does not matter to me. I'm finally good standing on my own two feet. (32-33)

6) I move back to the ranch, and all I feel is anger and rage towards her. The weight if flying on - I've never been heavier. (33 - now)

So, here I am with all this anger.  There were a lot of events surrounding a meth adict that she let into the house to steal from my family and destroy our property, but I wont get into that now.  I think my real problem with her is that she instinctively deflates my every attempt at happiness.  My sister and I had a joke that if Charles Lipton asked her what her least favorite sound was, that she'd answer "A child's laughter."  Also, I think of all the years I've spent afraid to do anything and feeling unworthy, completely missing out on life.  Plus, not only did she abuse my sister and I, but she got us to abuse ourselves.  

Anyways, she recently started dating a new guy, so she's been really sweet to him and acting like a normal person, which makes me think that she must know when she's being an @-hole.  And then I think privately, "this poor b doesn't know what's coming. " and also "she so does not deserve to be happy."  Which then makes me feel terrible and I worry I'm becoming her. 

I wonder what a narcassist's interpretation of love is.  Even if she thinks she loved her children, I really don't think she did.  I don't think she has the makeup for it.  I think it must be all about themselves. We are only a few weeks in, but she made dinner for this guy and at the moment they are on a whale watching trip with his kid.  Which was his idea.  She actually did something that wasn't her idea.  So, from an outside perspective she seems really normal.  And clearly, she has the capability of controlling herself.  I just think it is all self serving.  Like, the underlying reason she is being so nice is because she will get something out of it.  Not that she really has any interest in him.  She has already told me that it might not work because he's too fat.  Then a few sentences later told me that he's really nice and they are so much alike.  Ha!  

I feel like most of what I read is from people feeling badly as a result of abuse and being really compassionate with eachother.  Which, I'm not knocking.  I think that is all really human and the support is really beautiful and healing.  But, does anyone else feel angry?