Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
Hello,
I am new.
I was raised by a borderline mother with narcissistic tendencies and an emotionally abusive narcissist father.
I am terrified that I am destined to become them.
I have had ADHD, anxiety, depression, and OCD my whole life. Growing up I compulsively washed my hands and developed anorexia. I often lived in my head and felt disconnected from my emotions. My mom remarried an abusive man with PTSD. I was always told by her how much they had given up for me and was constantly told I was ungrateful. I paid for my school and she had a bill for things purchased for me. I was never good and everything was my fault. However, everyone else around her thought she was amazing. The only thing that was good enough for Dad was academics.
Everything was about mom (she made my giving birth to my first child about her and her damaged emotions). She never admitted to doing anything wrong and has convinced my grandmother and other family members that I am horrible.
I am now a parent. I worry constantly about becoming her. It is hard for me to always access my emotions. My first reaction isn’t to listen, but to try to give advice and fix things. I do talk about myself a lot and find myself more interesting than I should. I can focus on my problems and not see those of others (although I feel terrible when I realize I have done that). I self-medicate with shopping, and will often buy more for me than the kids. I do like being the center of attention and had thought about becoming an actress when I was younger. I do worry about what other people think (both parents drilled that into me), and I am quite needy. I need lots of reassurances that those I love love me back and that it is not one-sided.
Does this mean I am destined to be my mom? I NEVER EVER want to be her. I want to be the mom I needed as a child to my children. How can I build empathy? How can I recover from selfishness? My daughter is so much like me. How can I prevent the cycle from continuing? Are we genetically doomed to become that which we hate? What are good resources for this?
I think the more I work on my own self-esteem and development, the better I can be towards other people, the more i have to give, the more I can shine for the world!
I'm sure that we do have some leftover behaviours that we have learned from our mothers, but I also think the flip-side of the coin is the derogatory messages we have absorbed about ourselves that we have still not let go!
Parents who remind their children how much they sacrificed for them most likely haven't sacrificed at all! When you are never good enough for them, are they ever good enough for themselves? They have projected their own shame and guilt! I don't see you doing this! You are questioning yourself, not projecting !
Sending you blessings and understanding!!