Adult children of narcissistic parents Community Group
A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.
I am 61 years old, bi-polar, and always either angry or depressed. Four years ago, my stepfather left my mother and she moved in with me. Let me clarify: she moved into a house that we bought because it was suitable for her.
It was as if all the hunger, shame, uncertainty and pain came roaring back into my life, dredging up the agony of being a child again.
I tried, but she kept heaping tasks on me and blaming me when I wouldn't take her here, buy her this, do her food shopping immediately. Her hypochondria went into hyper-drive. The criticism and demands had me sneaking around my own house, staying late at work because I dreaded coming back home. My marriage suffered, my job performance plummeted, the few friendships I maintained dwindled, and my relationships with kids and grandkids became increasingly difficult. And, naturally, I blamed myself as I had been taught to do: "I can't handle stress. I am selfish, only thinking of what I need and want. I have no gratitude. I didn't care about her health. and, so on."
My sister, who had both parents, before begging me to take them, lovingly and generously made arrangements fot our mother to live in a very nice senior community, which we are paying for. My mother moved just over a month ago.
I should be overjoyed, elated to be free, but I am drowning in guilt. I am terrified my sister will come to hate me for abdicating my responsibility, and I am still so terrified of my mother. Advice?
So sorry to hear about your guilt feelings! i understand it all too well! We've all grown up being responsible for our parents needs and happiness instead of them being responsible for ours - as a parent should be during our formative years! I have struggled with guilt for years and years, but I have to say it is finally starting to ease up a bit!
I have cut my mother completely out of my life since the time of my father's passing. My mother was actually the main culprit. My father was by no means perfect, but definitely not as critical and demanding as my mother! It sounds like yours is the same!
Instead of being grateful that you allowed her to move in with you, she made you suffer for not feeling good enough to attend to all of her demands! Can you imagine yourself doing the same to someone? Ie Getting mad that they are not attending to your every need whilst at the same time contributing zero is the speciality of those narcs!! You are correct that you have been very much trained to feel guilt!
Your sister came up with a wonderful solution! This is as it should be. Let it go. You are even paying for it! Why is your mother not paying for her own retirement? It sounds like you have been very generous to me! I guess what has helped me get over my guilt is person-centred therapy, and more and more self care. The more you care for yourself, the more you realise when others actually do not care at all for you and are just attempting to exploit you. Your boundaries become stronger and you start to doubt yourself a lot less!
I'm not saying that I don't still doubt myself. But it does seem like the guilt has eased up!
Sending you blessings!