I guess I am having a bad week thus far. I live in NY in the suburbs of NYC, and today happens to be the 11th anniversary of 9-11. I remember all the panic and fear associated with feeling so VERY vulnerable. The days following 9-11 when the skys were a clear blue, and it was SO quiet. No planes were flying as the airlines scrambled to put in place all new security measures. People were paralyzed in fear. The realization that we could be attacked on our own turf, by our own planes, carried out by terrorists was overwhelming. All the area hospiatls braced for the "survivors". But there were so few. Most people were incinerated by the massive fire and/or crushed by collapsing buildings. I watched it unfold on TV as I scrambled to find where my family members were. My husband at the time often was in court in Manhattan, and in a panic, I did not know where he went that morning. All of the phones lines were busy. It was sheer panic. Then the aftermath, the horrible smell in the air (now mind you I live 50 miles from Manhattan) that lasted for days. Ash, burned fabric, burned flesh. The terror of having military fighter jets fly over my house all night long for weeks. 11 years and the memory remains as frightening and painful as it did that day, and for years thereafter. PTSD, not disimmilar to what we as victims of childhood abuse have to suffer from, if not daily, as periodic reminders when something brings back a memory and opens old wounds.

I have been NC with N-mom for over a year since my father died last July 3rd. For the 2 years prior, it was minimal. She would try to contact me, and I would not answer her calls or letters. Until she had my father's caretaker call me out of the blue to tell me my father was asking for me. I still would not respond until she contacted my cousin in California who then emailed me the news that my father was dying. I had a few breif phone conversations with her during that week leading up to his death. It was very, very painful, and unpleasant. I cannot go into details of her torture, because it would take too long. Maybe someday when I feel strong enough i will care to re-live it all by putting it all down in writing. Therapy has helped a lot to relieive some of my feelings of abandonment, anger, rage, sadness , guilt and remorse. I have chosen to protect myself from ever having to deal with such a sick, cruel, horrible person, and I am better for it. There is one caveat though.

I found out on Sunday that an aquaintance I have known for years suddenly passed away. He was an older gentleman, age 70. It made me feel so sad for his family. It brought back all those feeling about my own family, my mortality, and that of my N-mom who is now 80. Conflicted feelings for sure. I am once again having difficulty with guilt for having cut my mother completely out of my life. I am having mixed feelings about having her die without forgiving her. It is SOOOOOO frustrating to take so many steps forward and yet retrace the steps and go backward to the vicious cycle of abuse, and have it still affect me emotionally. She does not deserve forgiveness in that she will never acknowledge the things she has done. i do not have any fantasies about her "changing" or ealizing what she has done. However, because I am a very senstive person, I feel almost like my NC with her is almost "vindictive", almost narc-like by my silence. It sounds crazy.

Does anyone who has gone NC feel this way? How do you handle it? I have nothing nice to say to the woman, so what is the point? And yet....... that guilt remains, little pangs..... knawing at my soul.