Hello everyone,

This is my first post here or to any group type thing so far. I've already talked about my experiences many times to others, even multiple mental health professionals, but I feel I need something more for healing. I've become a young, engaged, broken woman, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, and agoraphobic tendencies. I want to share my story again and ask that maybe, some of you here could help me figure out what the next step for me should be. I know I need something more, I just don't know what... and I'm in some very difficult situations.

To begin, my mother is a Narc to the core. I'll share my story with you on that and the life I have lived for my 24 years thus far. First off, I'm an only child to my mother. My father left when I was only a few months old. My mom made sure to tell me the stories of how much she struggled with my premature birth (I was 3lbs 9oz, 10 weeks early). She also always tells the story of how I was about 2 and comforted her by patting her back when my father left - I have no memory of this. I realized I wanted to kill myself at about age 6. My mom would always go from comforting to yelling in a matter of minutes no matter what I did. I was a straight A student through elementary school but always got in trouble for being too far advanced for my classes, which my mom loved to tell me how she never had that problem. I also went to school at all the same schools she grew up at, and had many of her teachers as well. Also around age 6, she met my wonderful step-dad. I soon realized he would enable her to do anything she ever wanted, becoming her Supply. I spent many nights in my room while they ate dinner. I also was spanked for lying, when I often told the truth. Stories would come up and I'd get the blame and the punishment. Sometimes they were justified as I was told what I did wrong, but many times, I would be called a liar and sent to my room because "I don't want to see your face" when I'd cry. At that point, I decided I was a cursed existence that shouldn't have ever lived. I wasn't even 10.

Some days would be wonderful family events, others would be disasters where I knew something bad awaited me. We moved from my first and only "home" when I was 9 because my mom got into a fight with the landlord. That was also the first time I put a plastic bag over my head to try and suffocate. My mom yelled at me about what it would be like if I died. I told her I wish I had. She said I was like my father, a statememt that will always haunt me to the day I die. After the first move, we only stayed in houses for 2-3 years, always moving. I stayed in the same schools though to keep my friends... that I didn't have. I even had a teacher actively tell my mom she hated me so she'd let the kids beat me black and blue. All I wanted was to read books and keep good grades. After that though, I started failing my classes, despite having outstanding awards for academic achievement. I was also very musically inclined and joined band hoping for approval that would only come out in front of the family or other friends.

I spent a lot of my time alone. My mom worked from 7am to 6pm and my dad worked night shift, leaving usually at 3pm until sometime in the am hours. My mom would leave me a list of chores to complete before she got home, and I would be expected to clean the house by myself top to bottom. If I missed anything, I'd be a failure and yelling and hitting would ensue. At my 13th birthday, I remember a really bad fight my dad and I had where he said I was a liar because of something my mom said and "It's a monarchy in this house. If your mom isn't happy, nobody will be." He slapped me so hard, I hit the floor. After that, things greatly changed for all of us.

My mom suffered two heart attacks due to genetics when I was in high school. She blamed her work for that, and left her job... while she was the sole income of the house after she told my dad he had to stay home and take care of her because she'd die. Everything became about how she'd die if we did or didn't do XXXX. I ended up having a boyfriend at 14 who molested me violently, because my mom wanted to give us "alone time". She also forced me into sexy lingerie to go to a senior ball, I had no idea what that would mean for me with my new 'boyfriend'. I broke up with him after he took a souldering iron to my leg, but my mom could only tell me how disappointed she was since he was a "good man" and popular in our small town. She also told me she would always skip class, drink, and have sex with whoever was around at the time. She told me she KNEW I was the same and tried to force me into that roll, even though I was a quiet nerd who'd rather never break a rule. One fight turned sour with that and I ended up being backhanded into a mirror and thrown onto my bed by my dad. We both got heated over the fight, and it just turned bad. I never recovered from it since I love my dad and knew his temper flared, but my mom always said it was my fault and that "we NEVER hit you. EVER."

At 14 as well, she told me I was too much to handle and needed therapy because "you're just like your father". I never even met the man and still haven't to this day. I started involving myself with online communities and friends since I couldn't have my own friends. My mom would show them her sweet side, just to get them to tell her what I told them privately. She also read all my journals and took the privelage to go through my phone since "I pay for it, it's mine." She would often ground me from my online friends since they were all "adult men" and I wouldn't give her my passwords to look at my account. I ended up finding a girl on there I liked and thought I might have a crush on. We had chatted over webcam, live chats, texts, etc. She was a year younger than me and we both shared interests in gaming and anime. I told my cousin who then told my whole family. My mom decided that was the time to look at my texts since I misplaced my phone and couldn't find it. I was woken up to her pulling me out of my bed by my hair, dragging me through the house, throwing me onto the couch, screaming "I DON'T FUCKING ABUSE YOU, YOU BITCH" then throwing my cell phone at my eye, breaking the socket. (I have a slight squint on that side permanently). She then forced me to call my girl-crush on christmas, to "Break up". I never really got to talk to her again, but my parents are still GOOD FRIENDS with her.... because "she's a good girl".

Skip to my senior year. My mom got into trouble for giving weed to coworkers and telling her boss that I liked anal sex, detailing my devious sex live she constructed... all over a party at work with all her employees and boss. She was a manager. She also had a second heart attack at this point... and she left the job because they bullied her. She then decided she'd sue them for her heart attacks. During that time, I was always what would cause her next heart attack. She didn't even drive me to my own graduation because "I'll have a heart attack if I drive you". They didn't even show up. No photos, no pride. They won't even tell anyone that they weren't there, because she was... even though they weren't in the bleachers when I walked. My mom was the sole income at this point when she quit, and we were in our 8th new house. The landlord was mad we were behind on rent and put the eviction in place. At this point, I met my fiance and we had started dating. My mom told me to "use him for money" after he took me out to eat one day. He used the rest of his student loan, money he got from friends, and others to help pay the missing payments on the house, before we were even officially dating. My mom managed to get $5,000 from her settlement advance, and blew it on her new "ceramics business". She left us with no food. I was 94 lbs, 18, and forced to go work for the post office as a Mail Handler's Assistant, since it was MY job to get money for the house. I lived on bread for a year because of the settlement issues until my fiance decided to help when we met. We got engaged three months after dating, 6 months after knowing eachother. My mom HATED him. She forced me into an Intensive Outpatient Program because I was being like my father for wanting to be an adult.

She was so mad I said yes to my fiance. She said I didn't talk to HER first and she read all my therapy notes. (She always did even when I was a kid. I wasn't allowed any privacy, any diaries, letters, etc "our house, our rules") I asked her " Would you have even said it was okay?" "OF COURSE NOT! NO! You're So MEAN to me!!!" and ran off crying. I started splitting time to work with my fiance 2hrs away in a different city since he secured me a job. I was bringing the money home to help pay for food and cellphones. My mom was LIVID if I was a minute late (even though traffic here in Cali is a NIGHTMARE at the times she would snap her fingers for us to be home). I wasn't making enough to pay for the phone bills for all of us, so my fiance switched me onto his parents plan. I got a phone with his dad, and my mom was furious. "It's not their responsibility, it's MINE!" and she wanted the control to still read every message I sent or got. I slowly started to break her control, I knew I had to.

The eviction came and I decided I would live with my fiance and his family (He's working on getting his degree/credentials) and I'd work with him in a city 2hrs away. My parents were ignored by my extended family, and forced to live in a 24 foot travel trailer in the backyard of my uncle's house... that was infested with rats and black widows. My mom told me I HAD to live with her there. I refused and my dad begged my fiance to take me with him instead. My mom threatened to get rid of my dog if I left. She broke my bedroom door before we left that night and threatened to kill my fiance. She told me he was a bad influence, when she hadn't even talked to him more than 6 times because she was mad at me.

Now, I'm 24. I live with my fiance still. I tried working but fainted at my job and lost it due to disability leave. I've had two 5150's over my mother's phonecalls and demanding us to drive over to see her. All my cousins have been able to get married, my mom offered me a $20 rental in a trailer park in a very BAD city. She said I can't get married because it's the mother of the bride who pays for the wedding and that's all she'd do for me. She even gave her wedding dress to my cousin instead... She also donated money to fund one of my neighbor friend's weddings.... She's 3 years younger than me and my mom gave her $500. She still tries to tell me to break up with my "boyfriend" and move home because she NEEDS me. She tries to get me job offers. She forged medical documents to put me on a medical plan in her city to try and force me to come home, which since I was persuing disability, I lost all my medical coverage in GENERAL and they think I made false documents. She's called my fiance's dad to try and cause problems at the house for us to use it as an excuse to force me to come back home. I removed her from facebook and all personal accounts after she told me I HAD to move home to take care of my grandmother (I'm the youngest cousin, and the youngest family member in our family) after my grandma was having seizures. She demanded me to force my fiance to pay for a plane ticket to go to a funeral in Oaklahoma, for an aunt I didn't even know.

I cringe every time I see a text message on my phone. I'm afraid to look at social media, I change my passwords weekly so she can't get into any of my private accounts... And I'm too afraid to just cut her out of my life like people tell me to do. I keep contact to a minimum and survive on doing things for her "to build up my excuses" so she can't snap her fingers and force me to come home. I tried t confront her about my childhood but she turned it back on how horrible I was instead, that I just imagined it because I have a mental condition like my father.... If ONLY I could get rid of those words... I found out she even called my current therapist to try and force her to tell my mom what I was saying about HER. She often messages my fiance nasty words about how I've gotten fat, how she's mad I don't have PCOS like her, how my mental condition means I shouldn't be left alone and NEED to be back home, how I can't have children because I'll pass on my conditions... etc.

I feel like a failure. I couldn't get into college because of this type of stuff. I have no friends as an adult because I'm terrified of hurting people. I know I'm a people pleaser and I don't want to be, but I barter for affection. My fiance is the most amazing man in the whole world and is the one who turned me into finding this place, into researching these conditions further because... it's time to try. I have at least 30 suicide attempts under my belt right now, three while living with my fiance because of my mother's threats. She uses my dad to vebally attack me if I hurt her feelings or stand up to her, so I submit and always go for a few hours. I lied about going to a friend's funeral just to get out of staying with her too long one day recently, because she forced me to go to ANOTHER funeral for someone she trash talked all the time. That funeral was at the same time as a friend's funeral so I had to choose. I felt disgusting. I find myself wishing those heart attacks killed her and I'd be rid of this nightmare. If only she'd just die, I think, I'd be free... even though I know that's not true at all.

So what do I do from here? I have a fiance who is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I'm on medications and seeing medical professionals (granted not at the moment with the forgery on my insurance thanks to my mother), and yet this woman haunts me. Every time my phone buzzes, my heart races until I don't see her name... and if I do, I melt down. I panic. I don't think even if I moved to Mars it'll stop...