I have not had a "collapse moment" in a while, and I am diligently working on myself to stop reacting when I get into situatons that cause me to return to that empty, lonely, insecure, angry place that I have lived most of my life. It was a simple, stupid thing that just set off a cascade of emotions of mistrust, vulnerability, and feeling that I will never truly get the loyalty in return that I give to a relationship.

I was with my "boyfriend" of 18 months (funny to call him that in that we are hardly young at 50), both of us have been in previous abusive relationships. Although he did not come from a Narc family. He knows all about my past, my family, and was dating me during my mother's final blow to me when my father passed away. He was very warm, and comforting . He knows I have trust issues, and why. I have recently gotten to feel comfortable with him, more so than in the past, as I am still trying to rid myself of the vicious insecurity that I have. He is always complimentary to me, and overall treats me respectfully and with kindness. He has his own issues, as we all do, and we have helped each other tremendously. That being said, this was a simple, stupid incident that blew up into full blown "collapse moment".

I had been having trouble with my phone intermittently sending and receiving calls. That day, He had tried to call me numerous times and my phone was just not working for unknown reasons. I rebooted it, and still no ability to call out or receive phone calls, but I was able to get text messages. Anyway, by later in the day the problem seemed to have stopped and I was able to send and receive calls. We had planned to get together in the evening and I called him to tell him I was on my way over to his house. He did not pick up. i left him a voice mail. I arrived, and there was no issue. I told him I had tried to call, and he said he never received the call. I said, are you sure, because I got your voice mail. He said No, you never called. So I look in my phone log, and sure enough I called. I asked him to check his phone. He said it never went through. OK, so I call his phone there in his house, and it rings. OK, that issue solved. He quickly answered the call and put his phone back in his pocket. I said, are you sure my other call did not go through? Can you check you phone. He became increasingly evasive and I was taken aback. I said, let me see your phone. And he said NO. I asked him what he was hiding. He said "nothing", so then why would you not let me see your phone? It became clear to me HE WAS hiding something, although I did not know what. I immediately got defensive and upset. We are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship here. He admitted after a while that he had spoken with an old girlfriend. OK, so what? If I saw her name on his call list, I would have no idea who it was. He uses his phone for his business, so he has clients, family, friends, etc. I felt a familar feeling that I absolutely hate....feeling taken for granted, abused, lied to, cheated on, thrown under the bus. I asked him why he would act gullty if he did nothing wrong? He said he lived with someone who had him under a microscope, and went through all his belongings and that he had no privacy or personal items that she would not take if she felt like it, including money, going through his phone logs, his bank receipts, his business receipts, etc. It was a reaction. I just felt sick to my stomach, after I had just come to trust him, feel comfortable. I left abruptly after yelling at him that I don't want to be with a liar. Interestingly enough, I did not cry. I went home, refused to take his calls or answer his texts or emails. I felt NUMB. That frightens me. I feel I could return to a very bad place very quickly. I now feel I cannot trust him. We spoke about it yesterday, and I have not felt that I have been given a truthful answer. I can feel myself putting up the emotional wall that I used to survive all these years. We spend so much time togther that I cannot imagine he would have time for anyone else in his life, and maybe it just was a conversation. I cannot seem to get past it, that feeling of betrayal. I have yet to understand how I can be such a good , loyal, kind, honest person, and I can't seem to find someone who can treat me the same way in return.

How do I get past this? Any suggestions?