Hello,

               So basically my parents are in the process of deciding whether or not to get a divorce(what's been preventing them seems to be financial reasons, etc.). I'm trying not to let it affect me, but its been pretty tough. I live at home(for financial reasons) and can't afford to live on my own, so there isn't a real way out of this mess. I decided to join this group in the hopes that I'll find people who have been through this problem and can give me advice on how to deal with it. I know that as an adult, it's supposed to be easier but tbh it isn't. It's hard seeing my parents fight and pull figurative punches against each other. I've tried setting boundaries and sticking to them but so far it isn't working. Even my academics have taken a hit, and I'm convinced that I should attempt to seek some sort of therapy(my academics have taken a hit for two semesters now), but I'm worried that I might be judged by the therapist(I have a weird feeling that she might see my problems as petty, because I'm sure others have been through worse).  

             My relationship with my father wasn't the strongest growing up, simply because he was never around for anything of mine. It's as though he lives at home and pays for stuff, but doesn't want to make the effort to get to know his kids, kind of like an absentee father, where the father is physically present but not emotionally present. Ever since I can remember, he never wants to ask about our hobbies, likes/dislikes, life lessons, etc. Obviously I'm extremely thankful that he pays for stuff and that's not what I have an issue with. What I have an issue with is the fact that even though he's at a point in his career where it is plausible for him(and he can afford to) take time off to make time for his kids, he doesn't. That's what bugs me the most. Most of the people I'm friends with have fathers that do everything for them. It's not that I'm not thankful for what my dad did for us (paying for us), it's that he doesn't make time for us unless it's convienient for him. For example, his sister came to town wanting to go to see the national parks and amusement parks and other tourist attractions, since it was her first time in the country. For as long as I can remember, I've asked my dad to take the family to see these attractions, and every time he said things like "oh but I have work", or "I'm busy that day". The one day where he really pissed me off was when he said that he can"drop us off there, and pick us up after we're done". It's as though he doesn't want to be seen with us whatsoever. When I told him that and how it made me feel, he didn't care. He just kept on making jokes and then trying to put me against my mom. Whenever I bring up how I feel, he just makes jokes and attempts to get me against my mom.  

        Anyway, when his sister came to the country, all of a sudden my dad was able to take time off from work(which he has NEVER done for us, even when he's "off" he's working(i.e: taking phone calls, never present in the moment) and spent more money on his sister and his family then he has ever spent on my family, ever. Growing up I always thought that he didn't have enough money, so when I got to college, I took on student loans(instead of asking him to pay for school), a full course load and two jobs. It fell apart when my parents started fighting and I had to quit my second job. I'm still in college rn, and when I found out not only did he spend extreme amounts of money, but he started buying houses. That my family isn't even living in. And he bought a new car for himself, instead of buying a family car(which we really need, since the one we have is becoming very unsafe). He doesn't take the time to drive his kids to school or programs or anything whatsoever. Before I thought it was because he had work. Turns out he was cheating on my mom with a 25 year old. I'm 20, and tbh it creeps me out, but even I can understand that it's a part of life. The fact that my dad tried to go out with someone half his age is terrible, but its not what pissed me off. What pissed me off the most is that he isn't leaving my mom and being a man about it. Instead he's trying to keep both his mistress and my mom happy(he's failing miserably on the latter, I'm not 100% sure about the former). No one knows that I know any of this in detail. I tried to subtly confront my father about it(you know, ask him if he's cheating on my mom by asking if he's done something to piss my mom off), but he gave me the run around and then got super defensive(almost violent, infact), and that's when I decided it would be safer if I pretended to be clueless about the whole thing. 

          My dad also tends to tell my mom things like "you're crazy", which is preventing her from seeking therapy for what she's going through. I don't mind providing my mom with moral support, but it's just been taking a toll on me lately. It's very hard for me to see my mom feel sad and depressed over what my father is doing and it's affecting many different parts of her life, and I'm really worried. I can't force her to seek help since she hasn't shown signs of self harm, but she's lost interest in things she used to like and is becoming socially withdrawn, so idk what to do about that. I'm also pissed off at my dad because he can't give my mom the space she needs when she asks for it. When I asked him about it, he kept on giving me the bs runaround and kept on justifying what he's doing, and it pisses me off. A lot. 

         It's been a year since all of this started, and I've actually considered changing majors just so that I'm out of college and into the workforce faster, but a part of me feels that it wouldn't be right, because I'd be changing my life and giving up my dream of becoming a doctor. All I have is my education that I'm working towards rn, my dream of being a doctor(which is the second thing keeping me sane and keep things into perspective, tbh), and my job(which I'm not sure if I'll have in September because my dad's secretary hasn't finished my parents personal taxes yet, which is what I need to fill out an additional SAFA form(since I live at home, I have to fill out that form along with my student aid form every semester The form asks for specific information from my parents personal taxes. SAFA can't determine my student aid status until that form is submitted, so at this point I feel kind of helpless. I'm worried and so far, I've had a tough year. I'm worried it'll turn into another tough year. :( 

           Usually when I have a problem, I'd talk to my mom about it, but since she isn't in a state for me to talk about my problems, I've kept it in for a very long time. Until now when I got onto this website. I just want to be able to support my mom without having to take sides, and without having it affect me the way it has. I almost got Psoriasis because of the stress I've been through(its only now begun to clear up, thank god). 

If you've read this far, I'd like to say thank you, because it's a really long post. I'm sure there are others out there who have been through worse, so I'd like to end with a quote: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."