I'm a 44-year-old adult child of divorce who comes from a family of 9. After having all 9 of us, my parents divorced after 22 years of marriage when I was 14 years old; my mom told me about it.

While no one will cop to ANYTHING to this day, my understanding of it is that my mom was cheating on my dad with the groundskeeper at my grade school, a man we all grew up acquainted with. They married a year after. He of course became my stepdad & then proceeded to move in with my family; my stepdad has since been accused of 'inappropriate behavior' with 3 of my 4 sisters. My mom ignores it & pretends he's a stand-up guy - he's not. She stands by him and does not believe my sisters - her own blood. I believe my sisters. My sisters are all adults & have moved out & on, but their lives have been quite negatively affected by his actions, as well as my mom's inability to address & confront things. 3 of my 5 brothers have moved out of the area because they're sick of all the dysfunctional immaturity. I'm one of the still-local 2. 

My father stayed local as well, and has been a bitter shut-in pretty much since the divorce happened. Heartbroken, he has essentially just spent his days working & day-trading, trying to pay off my mom's alimony 'balance'. Once that was done (circa 1995), he saved his money like crazy, spending every working hour hoarding as much $ as he could. In the process, he alienated all of his children by not communicating & definitely not showing an interest in any of his kids or making sure we were alright. We all wanted to have a relationship with him, to talk about art, music, life & spend time together- he wanted to talk about nothing but stocks & IPO's. Not exactly exciting stuff to a guy in his 20's. 

Roughly 30 years have transpired. In terms of how I deal with the situation, my approach is different than most people's. Most people talk about 'closure', 'healing' and 'forgive & forget'. I don't. I have found that this thinking is what leads to the cycle of repetitive abuse. If you forgive people, they will generally use your forgiveness as a means to get away with the same horrible behavior you're forgiving (this renders forgiveness pointless, BTW). My mom, dad and stepdad have repeated this pattern many times. Instead, I find strength in my anger; I use it as fuel to make my, my wife's and my daughter's life better. I have cut all ties with my parents & I know I am better for it. I stopped pretending that everything was fine and have told them all how I feel. They don't call anymore & only reach out on occasion. It's a bit of a bummer now because I would still like to have a relationship with them, but I am quite happy that I know where I stand. My wife's family has been there for me more times than I can count, so I trust in them and put my stock in them as they simply love & appreciate me more as a person, and as a (sort of) son. 

I recommend the same to all of you. Divorce is a selfish act generally done by 1 or 2 selfish people. Selfish people don't learn. They repeat the same patterns & will hurt you as many times as you will let them. My advice here is to get angry & stop faking being nice (don't do anything stupid or illegal, of course). Life is TOO SHORT to lie or pretend. Use your anger as an energy to help your real loved ones, the ones who REALLY care about you. You know who they are, and you know who they aren't. Help yourself first, then help the ones who matter most - leave out of your life the people who hurt you, as that is all they know. Trust me, it sounds harsh, but you will be better for it. 

Would love to hear from you. Let me know what you think of this approach.