Adult Children of Divorce Community Group
This is for 18+ "children" of divorced parents.
So, my parents were together for 24 years when they announced that they were separating in January 2015. At this point, I had been out of the house, living a few states away. It came as a total shock. Their explanation was that it "just didn't work anymore." To my understanding, my dad brought up the idea, and mom reluctantly agreed. The whole ordeal was as amicable as can be expected. For the first year, we still did things together (it should be mentioned that my brother and I are both in our early 20s). Thanksgiving, Christmas, the occasional dinner when everyone was in town. Then last fall (2016), I made a mistake. i was looking through photos of an event my mom and I had gone to on her phone, when I got curious and looked through all of her photos. I found a letter she had drafted to my dad explaining that she knew he had had an affair while they were still married. The letter went into detail about my mom's hurt, and it concluded with my mom saying she "released him" and wished him well in the future. Keep in mind, neither parent knows I know about the affair. I'm not even certain she sent the letter. Regardless, I was then clued into the dark underpinnings of what I thought was a relatively clean break. A few months later, my mom mentions that she and my dad are not on speaking terms.
Meanwhile, Dad has a new girlfriend, whom we will call Suzy. Over the holidays I met Suzy. She was nice enough, but frankly, I was not impressed. My mother also has a new boyfriend. He is kind and generous, and I like him more than I like Suzy (dad’s gf). I think that has to do with my viewing my mother as the victim in the divorce. Perhaps I feel that she is more allowed to feel happy again than my dad is.
Here's how I feel. I consider my Christian faith a large part of my life. My parents do not share the same values that I do. When they first divorced I didn't believe it was right. "It's too hard" is not a valid reason, in my opinion. Now that I know about the affair, I don't know what to think. Of course, I still love my parents, but I view them differently. I see my dad as cowardly and prideful at the same time. I see my relationship with my mom becoming more and more surface level. We have never been a family that talks everything out, more of a forgive and forget type of thing. The divorce has only solidified that idea.
I'm not quite sure why I am sharing this. Perhaps, somewhere deep down, I feel that writing this will undo the years of hurt and secrets I have been living inside; that maybe, by some miracle, my parents will get back together and everything will be okay. Maybe I just needed to shout into the void. Regardless, thanks for listening. Feel free to comment, share advice, etc.
Thank you for sharing. I'm really glad that you reached out. I have many of the similar feelings as you with my parent's divorce so reading your post has been healing.
It sounds like you are very close to your mom, as I am to mine. I, too, feel like my mom was the victim in the divorce. In fact, just yesterday I had also shared with my mom that I think I could accept a new man in my life if she were to find a new person for herself. But I can not say the same thing about my dad's new wife..I'm sure that part of that was also because I found out about that new marriage through an email where it was written only as a side note to all of us kids, but I'm sure that it also has to do with the way my dad handled the divorce.
I also spend quite some time wondering how it would've been different had my dad decided to stick it through with my mom, just considering how much I've watched my mom grow in the past four years since the divorce. But, if I can give any encouragement right now, it's that if your mom was under any sort of feelings of restraint while she was married to your dad and you've seen any sort of personal development in her since the divorce, chances are how far she's come now could be a result of being let go from the tight grip their relationship had on who she was supposed to be.
Perhaps I'm just projecting my own situation on yours. I'm sorry if I haven't been able to be encouraging for you, but my faith is also important to me and so it's been tough coming to the acceptance of my new reality. At least for now, the personal growth that I've seen in my mom since the divorce is the only grace from God that I can see as a result of the divorce.
But I see that the changes that you mentioned you see in your parents are more negative. But I am hopeful that God will heal both of them from their hurts. I feel like maybe your mom is trying to hide her hurts from you to give off the impression of strength during a time she might feel weak or it may be that weakness that is stopping her from allowing herself to feel how she is allowed to feel. Because that hurt may feel too unbearable right now for her. And it sounds like your dad's pride can be what's stopping him from lamenting over the wrongs that he's done to your mom, and to your whole family, honestly! But I just encourage you to have compassion for your parents. It sounds like you are in a place where you are processing that your parents are human, which is a tough place to be if you grew up looking up to them in any way. What has helped me is coming to the realization - and acceptance, when I can - of the fact that our parents, who may have been our perfect heroes growing up, are still just kids. Only bigger and their mistakes just make bigger waves than potentially ours because more people are wrapped up in theirs. Seeing that has helped me to be compassionate towards them. Because decision making can be REALLY tough. And it's hard to always make the right decision.
I will pray for you, though, that you and your family can find your healing. And thank you, again, for sharing so that others may be able to continue their own healing with knowing that their feelings and thoughts can be comprehended by another's.
Feel free to send me a personal message on here if you would like to continue this conversation. I'd be happy to hear from you. :)
My mom moved in with my step dad and my dad lives in a total bachelor pad townhouse. I never felt like after the divorce I had a "home" to go to. Now my siblings and I rarely talk, we see each other on holidays and my parents call to check in maybe twice a month.
I did go to therapy a few years ago but I constantly find myself depressed, grieving, and sometimes the pain is debilitating that I will never have my family again, that we have all fallen apart and are so distant.
I believe I am going to start going back to therapy again, it did help to talk to someone and learn new coping skills and ways to grieve that are healthy. Do you still have a good relationship with your parents and siblings??