I'm 24 (25 in less than a month) and have been an only child of divorce for 10 years, but recently I've been revisiting some memories since they had been bothering me a tad.

Back when I was 12 or 13 I distinctly remember my Dad telling me that, no matter who I wanted to live with, he'd be okay with it. At the time, I had wanted to live with him (he says it was because of the stuff my mom's side of the family was doing to me, but that may only be 50% true as I can't recall). Once I told my mom that I wanted to live with my Dad things got UGLY. I was in a custody battle, my mom's side was overly involved (they actually threatened to take away visitations from my grandma because of how bad it got). So during this time I was really gungho to live with my dad. However, things got better once Grandma backed off. I made new friends at school, my mom's relationship with me improved and I was really settling into my new home town. My mom was great at letting me vent and talk, cry and what not. I was dealing with anxiety (a lot of which was brought on by the divorce) and she was a master at helping me through it.

I told my Dad when I was 14 that I wanted to live with my mom. Things did not go well. He immediately got angry and started going on about how much money he had spent. I was heart broken, I felt betrayed.

Fast forward to this morning (I now live with my dad and have since I was 18 and started college). I finally mustered up the nerve to ask my dad about how he had gone back on his word. It had been something that had lingered in the back of my mind for years. He says that, yes he was mad, but he also said he hadn't told me he would be fine with whoever I lived with once the divorce started. He said he'd told me before they even told me.

I recall, very clearly, being in the car with him after the divorce had started and being told about it. He didn't say anything before it started. This morning he also mentioned that he had spent $20,000 in attorney fees and was getting screwed over left and right, and that I "threw in the towel" just as the custody battle was coming to an end.

Let me clarify a few things. I didn't just throw in the towel. I was genuinely happy at that point and content with living with my mom. I didn't wnat to uproot myself AGAIN just for my anxiety to skyrocket. I had repaired my relationships and was ready to start living like a normal teenager who wasn't constantly filled with divorce-riddled angst. Secondly, I get that he had to have spent a ton of money. But I was also 12-15 when all of this was happening. Don't hold a price tag over my head and make me feel like a burden. Third, he OBVIOUSLY doesn't remember the time line of events, because he was screwing up my age the entire time we were talking about this, therefore I'm greatly questioning his memory. He wanted me to put myself in his shoes and he said that it wasn't just about 'being supportive' about me living with my mom. Aka, it was also all about the money (and everything he felt, I'm sure). I didn't press the subject anymore.

He said that it was a good thing that things got better between me and my mom, and he could definitely tell a difference once my Grandma backed down. And he said it also may have been a good thing because my anxiety was pretty bad at the time. He also said that if my mom's family hadn't done what they'd did, then I probably wouldn't have even had anxiety. Not true. Not only is it genetic, but I'm a sexual assault survivor, and have had nervous tendencies since I was young (though they were all mostly small and mental). The divorce exacerbated it for sure and I started taking medication shortly after I turned 14.

I'm just really upset by this. I'm glad I finally got it off my chest, but now I feel like a burden and that everything is about money (I feel like my dad is always talking about money anyway). I'm mad because clearly nobody remembers anything clearly anymore because it's been so long, including myself at times (and maybe we've all tried our best to forget). I'm angry that I waited so long to talk about it, and I'm angry that it all played out the way it did those 10 years ago. I'm basically re-living it and trying to reprocess the whole ordeal as an adult, which I find a tad strange. I thought I had been over it, yet about a month ago I found myself feeling a little bitter towards my late grandma's actions (she passed when I was 16, and we were on good terms by then).

I wish I didn't have to talk like I walking on egg shells around my dad when it comes to things like this. If I just blurted out how I was feeling he probably would have gotten angry. It's like I can't get everything off my chest. And yet he can basically say what he wants. I'm so frustrated. I know he spent all that money and fought hard because he loved me, and I try to put myself in his shoes. "If you saw your daughter, who you love more than anything else in the world getting harrassed by people, wouldn't you fight for her?" and sure. That's fair. But can't he put himself in my shoes, too? He must have if he saw how my anxiety was and that things were getting better. But don't put a price tag over the head over my, when at the time I was an anxious teenage mess. If nobody had even given me the option to choose sides, I probably wouldn't be having this much trouble. If my Grandma would have stayed out of it, nobody would have gotten emotionally wounded. If no one had said ugly things about each other then maybe I wouldn't have had so much regret by the time my grandma had passed. I don't understand why he couldn't just back down without bitching and understand that my life was getting better by the time I was 15. I don't understand why he thought I was throwing in the towel when things were getting better for me.

These days, I often call my mom and complain about my dad's habits and mannerisms, and suddenly I understand why she had been so depressed and anxious during their marriage. He's a good man, but he's not one to admit his wrong doings or back down from any sort or challenge. I love him, and I'm lucky to have him, but I'm just so angry right now. :(