Adult Children of Alcoholics Community Group
A Support Group for Adult Children of Alcoholics
Do you ever find that even though the alcoholic in your life had behaviours that made you insane you repeat those same patterns of behaviour? My Mother, who even now I feel very guilty talking about. I guess we were very emeshed with each other. She passed away last March 27th. She would give me these back handed compliments like your eyes look lovely today Lorraine....are you going to do something with your hair? Or she would say your skin is lovely but your putting weight on. I find myself wanting to do the same things to my own three beautiful daughters. Thank God I usally catch myself before I open my mouth but none the less the pattern is in my head.
The other big thing that happened in my home growing up was isolation. It was sort of every man for himself and the fittest survived. I was the baby of the family. My brother who was 7 years older than me was heavily into drugs from a young age. My Mother would buy me things rather than invest time with me. Today when I think about it, I too find it hard to spend a great deal of time with my own children. It would be way easier just to isolate. I make the effort though and at least two to three times a week I take my daughters out to lunch or dinner or we watch a t.v. show together and just chat.
Thanks for reading,
Lorraine
The other big thing that happened in my home growing up was isolation. It was sort of every man for himself and the fittest survived. I was the baby of the family. My brother who was 7 years older than me was heavily into drugs from a young age. My Mother would buy me things rather than invest time with me. Today when I think about it, I too find it hard to spend a great deal of time with my own children. It would be way easier just to isolate. I make the effort though and at least two to three times a week I take my daughters out to lunch or dinner or we watch a t.v. show together and just chat.
Thanks for reading,
Lorraine
Great that you are able to recognize the pattern and catch it before you open your mouth. That is called being self conscious or being self aware.
I read this brain chemistry article somewhere. Here it is Lisa Frederiksen Book - If You Loved Me, You’d Stop is great 100 pages book i ever read in a day.
Codependents Have a “Brain Thing” Going On, Too by Lisa Frederiksen
Just as there is a series of chemical reactions taking place in the brain of an alcoholic or abusive drinker, so too is there a compulsive-like process occurring in the codependent’s brain. Instead of that process involving dopamine and the pleasure/reward communications networks (as in the alcoholic’s brain’s Limbic System), the codependent’s brain taps into adrenaline (among other hormones and neurotransmitters) and the fight-or-flight communications networks (which also originate in the brain’s Limbic System).
The fight-or-flight reaction is one of the brain’s non-thinking (automatic) responses to cues or memories that spell danger. When activated, we tend to perceive whatever is going on as a possible threat to our survival and move into “attack” mode, completely bypassing the thinking part of our brain. (1)
If you mistakenly put your hand on a hot burner, for example, you don’t think, “Oh, my, it’s hot. I better remove my hand.” You simply yank it off. Many of the chronic verbal and physical exchanges that occur with someone who has an alcohol abuse problem or is an actively drinking alcoholic prompt similar fight-or-flight, non-thinking reactions in the codependent. When a drunk person comes raging towards you, calling you names, you react. You may try to get out of the way. You may start yelling. You may leave the house. But, in general, you don’t just stand there — thanks to adrenaline and the fight-or-flight communication networks in the Limbic System.
The repeated surges of adrenaline required to keep you safe in a dysfunctional home — always on high alert in order to uphold the family rules — cause your brain to eventually REACT without THINKING to hundreds of situations. What might trigger the alcoholic’s (or alcohol abuser’s) negative behavior one time, for example, doesn’t trigger it the next, and eventually, just about anything might trigger it. What worked to keep the children safe or calm or directed last year, no longer works this year. So a new approach is tried and then another and another. This constant high alert level of reactivity eventually becomes a chronic state of hyper-vigilance. This causes the codependent’s brain to become comfortable with a heightened level of adrenaline (and other related neurotransmitters and hormones) and angst. That comfort level then becomes “grooved,” if you will (because the same communications networks are used over and over again), and allows a codependent to experience the unacceptable as acceptable.
Part of living your life will be learning how to redirect your non-thinking reactions away from the fight-or-flight communications networks in the Limbic System and toward the rational, calm, thinking-and-response communications networks in the Cerebral Cortex. It is from the Cerebral Cortex that you’ll be able to change the codependent coping skills you’ve adopted in order to survive — change them to ones which will allow you to thrive!
Suggestions for how to make these changes and for help with identifying the copying skills you’ve likely adopted (so that you can better recognize the behaviors you’d like to change) are found in my book, If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!… This information can help you change your brain’s wiring — move it from the Limbic System to the Cerebral Cortex where you can respond instead of react — and thus improve the quality of your life — regardless of whether or not your loved one stops drinking or not.
A big pat on the back to you for catching yourself in order not to give your kids back-handed compliments like your mother used to do. And especially for spending quality time with them! They will carry those wonderful memories inside for their life-time!
I know what you mean about isolation. There were 8 of us children and none of were or are close because we were'nt raised to be I guess. We simply did what we had to do to survive.
I do have one sister who was enmeshed with my mother because she was the compliant one, doing whatever she could to please our mother. My mother and I never bonded and after repeatedly trying and failing to please her, I just gave up and then I became her scapegoat..
We were seldom if ever told we were loved and there were no hugs. It saddens me to say that because I never bonded with my parents, I didn't know how to bond with my own children. I used to stick my nose in a book to escape, not unlike how my mother used to escape with crosswords etc.
Although my children are grown and out of the home, I isolate even more now. I believe that it is a protective measure...I remember isolating in my bedroom when I was a child, to get away from my rage-aholic tyrant of a mother.
Keep doing what you're doing Lorraine and don't forget to pat yourself on the back!
A long time before I had even heard of dysfunctional families, I was holding a car door open while my son, at that time maybe two or three years old, got into the car. He was very slow climbing up and over the door sill and then up onto the back seat. As he was struggling, I said, "Hurry up!! You are the slowest kid I have ever seen."
My mother who was standing there watching said quietly, "Not me."
You are doing great Raineetoo to be able to think in there about your daughters! Well done!