First of all, I want to welcome you to this group. In answer to your question, you mention going to meetings. I am not sure what kind of meetings, but you might look for someone who attends the meetings you attend, who has the kind of recovery that you believe is the kind you would like to have and then ask them how they discovered their so called defects of character.

You mention a couple of defects in your post. At the next meeting, you attend, ask how others realized they were judging their own actions without mercy and what they did to change or overcome that defect. Ask if anyone there had trouble trusting. (I personally did not trust authority figures which included parents, teachers, bosses and even God.) I found some of my defects by meeting with a psychologist. Others I learned of by reading a series of books abot Adult Children of Alcoholics written by Janet Woirtitz and all available on Amazon. I ask trusted friends what they would change about me if they could.

I never felt I inhereted my defects. I learned mine. I was taught some very distorted lessons simply by watching my dysfunctional family and believing the way family members did things was the only way, or the best way of doing them. I firmly believe that what I learned as a child, I can unlean as an adult. I learned about distorted thinking effecting my feelings by reading a book titled "Feeling Good, a new mood therapy," by Dr. David Burns.

I made up a number of affirmaions to help me change. Since you talked about beating up on yourself, I will cite one you might find helpful. It is "Today I judge myself as if I were someone I love."

Hi Rainietoo! I am new to all this. I always thought everyone behaved like you describe!:) I thought it was normal! Although recently I noticed how harsh I can be on myself and also, sadly on my kids. It doesn't come out often but when it does I realize it has to go! even though my girls are in college and my son is 15, it is not too late. I can do it especially for me. I feel like I need to learn the big picture of ACA and then figuire out how to slowly put the pieces back in my own puzzle in a way that makes sense. I have no advice but I hope to use the workbook and maybe walk through one step at a time.

Welcome Rainie and rosiekins, glad to have you here.

Rainie, I have been seeing a therapist for 5 mos now and I'm finding that it is helping me to think differently about things, try to see the positive side of things etc.

I have a lot of trouble trusting others, their motives etc. but therapy is helping me to realize that maybe everyone is not out to hurt me and that maybe my own neg. thoughts are causing me to feel the way I do.

I've been hard on others but even harder on myself for making mistakes but I'm finding that it helps to accept people for who they are rather than assuming that they are out to hurt you.

It's all a work in progress, a learning process for me right now, but I just wanted you to know that I understand how we beat ourselves up, seems it's always harder to accept and forgive ourselves than it is for us to do same with others....

Welcome rainietoo,
Thanks for posting and everyone for commenting, it really helps me to read these and realize that I too am a work in progress!

Welcome rainetoo. Your words this morning were so helpful to me. I am with family and the situation is very stressful as we are dealing with my mother's health as she is in a Hospice Care Facility. Staying with family, away from the comforts of my own home and friends nearby, I easily go to comparison, harsh judgementalism on myself and them, etc.
Thank God I brough literature with me, have access to a computer to reach out to others and
the latest in a sentence shared by a program friend:

"THINK, PRAY, USE A PROGRAM TOOL. REPEAT UNTIL THE (feelings, thoughts, etc) DISAPPEAR."

Isn't that a great idea. I have used it a great deal lately.

Thanks everyone for your thought filled replies. I appreciate all of them. Have a great evening.

One of my daughters has had a health "scare" in the past few weeks. (Things turned out okay for her thank God!) BUT....As I was praying about it one day, a sense of peacefulness and reassurance came over me. To make a long story short, God also asked ME to do something that is very difficult for me. Basically, to stop complaining about my marriage. The thing that struck me was that, knowing all that I have deal with, ever since my dysfunctional childhood, God chose to tell me in such a kind and non judgemental way. I could feel it. And it was not like anything I grwew up with. I realize how harsh and judgemental my upbringing was and how I think even to myself . I think I have tried to keep that under wraps but it is a lot of work and sometimes it just comes out. I want to remember that loving , gentle feeling and try to be an example of that as much as possible.

Thanks rosiekins, I want to remember those times of gentle love and reassurance I've gotten from God at times because I can so easily fall into the self judgement, harsh condemnation of myself.
rainetoo, I don't trust people either, but just for today I will be kind and loving to everyone I meet and talk to. (with God's help, haha)