GROWING UP MY FATHER WAS A VERY ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC.NEVER PHYSICALLY TO ME BUT EVERY BIT EMOTIONALY.HE ALWAYS SMASHED THINGS IN THE HOUSE ANDBEAT MY MOTHER SO BAD ,MOST DAYS SHE COULDNT GET OUT OF BED.SCHOOL WAS A SAFE HAVEN FOR ME I COULDNT WAIT T GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.I ALWAYS HATED THE SCREAMING,THE BLOOD SHOT EYES,REMEBERING MY DAD SITTING ME ON HIS LAP TELLING ME HE LOVED ME AND HOW HE WAS GOING TO BRAKE INTO THELOCAL GUN STORE,KILL SOME PEOPLE AROUND TOWN ,KILL MY MOTHER,KILL ME,THEN HIMSELF.I WAS JUST A LITLE GIRL WHO LAID IN BED EVERYNITE WAITING FOR THE LOUD CLCKING ON THE STAIRS OF MY FATHERS COWBOY BOOTS TO SAY HES HOME AND AWAIT THE TERROR AND WONDER IF IT WAS THE NITE MY FATHER WOULD KILL ME....IMAGES I TOOK INTO MY ADULTHOOD.THEN MY DAD FOUND RELIGION.HE WENT TO CHURCH SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK,WAS BAPTISED AND SO CALLED SAVED.HE WAS AN ACTIVE PERSON IN MY LIFE ALWAYS TRYIN TO PREECH TO ME.I WAS VERY CONFUSED ABOUT THE DAD I GREW UP WITH AND THE DAD HE BECAME.IN 2005 I ALMOST DIED AND MY FATHER WAS THE FIRST ONE TO THE HOSPITAL.HE WAS THIER EVERYDAY PRAYING AND SAYING HE LOVED ME.FIVE MONTHS AFTER MY ACCIDENT MY FATHER DIED SUDDENLY ON MY SONS BIRTHTHDAY OF A HEART ATTACK.NO WARNINGS, HE WENT TO BED AND NEVER GOT BACK UP......I REALLY MISS HIM.I THINK ANY DAY HE WILL BE AT MY HOUSE TO VISIT.I FEEL GUILTY WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE HE WAS WHEN I WAS LITTLE.THEN I THINK HERE IS A MAN WHO DID EVRYTHING TO CHANGE HIS LIFE AND THE THANKS HE GETS IS DEATH.GOD A CONCEPT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.....