Hi all,

This is my first time ever reaching out to folks who have a BPD parent. I'd been seeing a therapist for about half a year, when she said that she thought my mom has BPD. My mom's never been formally diagnosed, but just through the stories and situations I was telling my therapist she figured it out. Once she told me that, I got my hands on ANYTHING that could tell me about what it meant to have a BPD parent. Everything I read resonated with me. It was like it was talking about MY experience in a way that nothing had ever resonated with me before. It felt like I was reading stories about my own childhood. Some of the situations and experiences I've read were more or less extreme or different in some other way, but it felt SO good to realize that I wasn't alone and that I wasn't THE problem. And, that really, my mom wasn't the problem either, but it was and has always been her BPD.

The holidays always suck. I have so many memories of shitty things that even though I now live 1,300 miles away from her, and don't interact with her beyond a text that I send to my whole family, I still feel an overwhelming depression leading up to and on Christmas day (and other holidays, including my birthday). One of the suggestions my therapist had was to go to a card store and read every card until I found a card that I truly expressed something real that I could send to my mom. I would see the cards that said things like "Mom, you taught me what love and joy really mean," or "Mom, you taught me to appreciate what really matters about the holidays--family," etc. I would read through those cards and get so pissed off. I would stop after reading just one or two because it was so painful. All of media--magazines, movies, tv shows, holiday songs, stories, etc.--shows families that, no matter how cooky or dysfunctional they are, they are able to get themeslves together and show love to each other for the holidays. This is not real for me. It never has been and it never will be. But I've always had the desire to love and support my family, and to feel love and support from them. It's like every holiday is a reminder that I'll never have that. It's very painful.

I've done this card-reading thing for a few years now, and it's even become a bit of a tradition. I have even found cards here and there that I could actually send to my mom! For instance, I found a card this year that said, "Wishing you a holiday where the food cooks itself, the decorations are stunning, and everyone gets along in perfect harmony. Christmas is the season of miracles after all." Yes, I could actually say all of those things to her and mean it. This card-reading process has really helped me. I can push myself to go through the grieving process of not having a healthy, happy, loving, supportive family--and I get to be the one who decides where and when I go through that grieving process, which is inevitable anyway. It makes me feel like I have agency over it all.

Anyway, just wanted to reach out to other folks who might be feeling isolated or down through the holidays. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive spouse of 8 years, and his incredibly loving and supportive family, but even with that support, it's still tough.