For as long as I can remember my mother has never apologised for anything. As a little child she would tell me everyone at my primary school hated me because I was different then get angry if I expressed any emotions that displeased her. As I got older, if I upset her, she would hound my father until he got so angry he would physically assault me as a means of getting me to apologise. I was always a terrible, ungrateful child unless I did what my mother said.
My mother was always the darling of our household and I loved her so much. She would be incredibly loving until you did something she didn't like, then she'd ignore you until you apologised or get someone else to force you to apologise. Once you had she'd suddenly be loving again- like nothing happened. She would get incredibly angry over disappointments- one time we threw her a birthday party only for her to get angry at my Dad for not planning something else. Other times she'd get drunk and I'd have to walk her round our village.
I grew up hating myself and relying on my mother for all of my self worth. She didn't like me spending time with my Dad and got offended if I didn't confide everything in her. We had an incredibly volatile relationship where I was either her princess or her villain. It was so isolated growing up as my mother, at one point or another, decided she hated all our neighbours. After a while she ended up being the most important person in my life because I was badly bullied and too self loathing to function. What's worse is when a family member sexually abused me my mother blamed me for it and wouldn't speak about it again. I ended up acting irresponsibly as a teen and ended up being groomed online- something else my mother blamed me for and brushed under the carpet.
My self hatred became awful. I couldn't validate myself at all. I needed my mother to function and when she was angry with me I went out of control. I cut myself regularly. Tried to kill myself multiple times. Ended up in a psychiatric unit. My mother would tell all her friends that she was supporting me and look for sympathy then blame me for what I did in private and make me feel awful. I knew something was up with my mother because she went through a period of thinking a team of people were following her and shortly after starting avoiding my Dad to the point where their relationship ended although she stalled the divorce so they stayed married.
All my relationships were up and down. I was given a BPD diagnosis. I read all the awful things online about people with BPD and I began to hate myself more. My love life was horribly volatile. I avoided healthy relationships because I didn't feel worthy. When I met someone who was "flawed" enough for me to persue I was convinced they'd see how worthless I was and leave me. I ended up putting up with a lot of abuse (e.g a boyfriend spat in my face and hit me after I said I didn't like it and another one took nudes of me and sent them to another girl for a threesome without my consent) and I'd just take it and tell them how great they were. Then when they left me because they were tired of my pitiful constant compliments and neediness I'd panic because, without their validation, I felt lost. I was even raped by a photographer I was modelling for and I just apologised for crying and zoning out and he drove me home. My mother ignored me for a week for "siding against her" because I told my Dad afterwards and not her.
My life got together for a bit at one point where my ex girlfriend moved in with my family but my Mum ruined the friendship I had with her by yelling at her for supposedly sleeping with my Dad. It was awful.
I love my Mum. She's kind to me and when I come for compliments she gives them. She buys me things and she's really very sweet so long as you don't upset her or apologise if you do. I just can't stand the constant criticism. I can't stand the fact she never apologises. I can't stand the constant blame. I'm 21 and trapped in a life of misery and self loathing; I feel like it's all my fault and I'm being crazy. I feel like I'm blaming her because I have BPD and I'm awful.
I know I'm crazy but I feel like maybe she is too.