I hear you vicvicbenson! I've totally been there - some days I just randomly scream "I hate you" in my head. All I really have ever wanted was for her to accept me and realize I have feelings too. Then, like you said, I feel guilty for "hating" my own mother. I think, what kind of a person hates their mother? Then I feel like shit :) For me personally, I really don't think I hate her - that's just where I am now. When I think that, "hate" just reflects all of the pain and denial of my own feelings I've had over the years. I know there's a part of me that really loves her, even after everything, but that makes it painful too. It's horrible to feel divided between yourself! I just try not to judge myself for what I'm feeling, but just let myself feel it. Good luck to you!

Thanks fizzgig... I love parts of my mother. I used to think she was my best friend. She was fond of beating the shit out of me and then telling me she loved me so much. I grew up very confused, and I have only just realized how warped that was. I dislike my mother a lot right now, particularly because of how she treated my daughters last year. That hit a nerve. I can take her abuse, but I saw red when I found out she was abusive to my children. I cut all contact at that point. Ever since then, rage has just come up. I have these feelings that come from out of nowhere that make me feel like I want to take a bat to something. I'm trying to work on it. Thanks for listening. Only people who have gone through this can possibly even begin to understand what our childhoods were like.

I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one going through this - just last night I was wrestling with the hate...and no, my mother will never "get it" either; I don't expect acknowledgement or an apology because she doesn't do that - 50 years of being an asshole is hard to reverse; so instead all I have to lean on is it's been over a year since we've spoken, but the best year of my life (coincidence?) I guess this is how it's supposed to be or else I would've been given a better mom, right?

VVB, I'm sorry your mother was acting out toward your children - I'm not a parent, but I'm sure that's a tough situation...

A friend told me, "you're expecting logic where there is none". It's hard hearing about how parents are supposed to love you unconditionally when they act like they don't. I know my mom loves me but that doesn't do me much good. Her love means I will get sucked into her life in ways I don't want to be. I really hate mother's day.

psychopaths of any sort should not be permitted to be around other living things of any sort. the best thing to do is to view them as dead and cut off alll of them permanently. psychopaths are not capable of feeling of any sort. everything is an act for them and they take only. knowing a psychopath is the absolute bottom of the barrel. they shouldn't be born to begin with.

@vicvicbenson Thank you for sharing your experience! I have totally been there! One thing that really helped me work through the anger and rage for me was the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self Esteem, written by Kimberlee Roth. It just helped me take stock of things and see them in a different way.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will check that out. I've had similar feelings to the above in the past, it's just a sign of our intense need to be separate. But as my mother is aging ( symptoms are still there, worse in some ways, but I can also see that she had zero awareness of her affliction and how it impacts others. I cannot change her I can only change myself. It's important to try to release our own personal rage against them before it's too late for them. Venting and sharing here and reading these types of books helps a lot - thank you all for the support.

I think what helps as u get older at least for me is to remember remind and accept that your mother is mentally I'll or handicapped and take it from there. Expect it all. But stop the self hurt self blame by first really acknowledging that. Treat them as sick Individuals whether they know u know or not. I feel like we have to be the adult in the situation 99 percent of time no way around it. Don't engage unless ur ready to block the hurt that may come your way. Maybe instead of hate u can practice radically reiterating and enforcing that fact. You'll start to see their behavior as symptoms of illness you'll stop taking personally and you'll instead decode it all.and be able to remain in a state of compassion and non emotional entanglement. Let me know if any of this helps. Its been a lifetime

AMEN..... Thank you for sharing. I wasn't able to put my feelings into words, and you just did. Thank you!!

Wow I relate to this so much. I recently learned my mom is most likely undiagnosed borderline and the rage is so real. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I recently realized that on the few occasions I choose not to process our relationship through anger, it's too sad. So I just go back to anger. Thank you for sharing.

Wow! My Dad was severely Borderline, and Mom emotionally unavailable after 18 years of Hell being handcuffed to him in marriage. Women in her realm were shamed if they got out. So now, after 51 years of Hell with him, and being socially isolated for years in addition to the chronic untreated lifelong depression, she finally got her freedom when he died but has Alzheimer's. (They know now it's linked to chronic untreated depression and social isolation.) She still lives in Hell as she can still remember the PTSD memories that get woven into her delusions. I have been struggling with rage and hatred for him my entire life, or at least most of it. He hurt me so badly that . . .it's a good thing he's already gone. It is so difficult not to feel this strongly. I also have PTSD, and many days just want to give up ever moving on and actually having a life. I am currently working on the anger journalling the book Surviving A Borderline Parent: How To Heal Your Wounds And Build Trust, Boundaries And Self-Esteem recommends in chapter 5. I'm doing very detailed work on it, because I think my life and sanity depend on it. He took so much from us, and never admitted he did anything wrong. Thought everybody was out to victimize "him." His family abused him very badly throughout his childhood, and i get why he turned out like he did. Transgenerational effect, but it's going to stop with me. I'm going to overcome, heal and move on while I still have some life left. And find healthy ways to be happy.

Kudos to all of you strong people! Choosing to do the right thing after coming out of all you’ve come from. I understand your feelings, but have also been able to see my mom as just messed up - mentally ill - and therefore more understandable. Of course I do not mean her behavior is fine. But it makes sense if she is ill. I just returned one birthday card I bought for her because it made it sound like she deserves the thanks for me turning out the way I have, and I just couldn’t send it. And my second one I have now has one word that is making me realize I can’t send it either...”nurturing.” I don’t blame you one bit for becoming Mama Bear when you realized your kids were hurt by her. You are to be praised for your bravery and fortitude! I think as with any grief process, anger is a stage. I think you got this though. You are gonna keep on keepin on and be good enough in your own eyes. I just realized that I am still facing demons about measuring up. Basically because my mother was a mental/emotional shapeshifter, and I wanted to gain her love and approval, I had to work hard good deed by good deed to get “there.” Unfortunately, as broken human beings, we aren’t perfect and we do not always make the right moves. So with one bad move, we are taken down to the bottom and have to start all over again. Ridiculous.
Anyway, you got this.

Thank you! I feel so guilty for feeling hate towards my mother, but that's her voice inside my head. I am trying to accept that it's okay to hate your own mother. Until I came to this site I didn't think anyone could understand that! I try explaining to my friends how I got to this point, but they just say "but she's your mother" like that earns her the right to my life or something. I am so grateful for you sharing this. I needed to know I wasn't alone in my anger or hate