Adoptive Parents of Estranged Children Community Group
Did your adopted teen/adult child reject you and sever all family ties? Come and share heartaches and comfort with others in the same situation as we try to piece our families back together. We particularly welcome adoptees who were estranged from their adoptive families and want to share how they found their way back home.
I stated in another post that my parents think that if we just talk to her and explain that, "We are a family - Can't we work this out?" it will make everything better. They make me feel as if this is my fault. They don't have all the facts because I kept the facts from them over the years because I was ashamed of ED's behavior and choices. How can I get them to understand that there IS no talking to this 29 year old?! She is immature, selfish, manipulative, and dishonest - but she has them fooled. Even when I tell them all the stunts she has pulled in the last 25 years, their eyes glaze over - like I'm making it sound worse than it really was.
She is not estranged from them, so when she speaks with them on the phone, she puts on a mature, stable, responsible, and charming personality.
It doesn't help that we live in the same small city as my parents. (The ED has moved out of state.)
I would like to know if other adoptive parents have this issue with THEIR parents.
She is not estranged from them, so when she speaks with them on the phone, she puts on a mature, stable, responsible, and charming personality.
It doesn't help that we live in the same small city as my parents. (The ED has moved out of state.)
I would like to know if other adoptive parents have this issue with THEIR parents.
I was a hellion of a teenager myself and left home at an early age due to abuse that my mom failed to protect me from. I never realized until recently that I probably blame her for not protecting me and that might be at the root of some of our relationship issues. Not too long ago, my mom and I had a big argument because, ironically, I read to her what I though was a beautiful posting from an estrangement website. It was written by a mother who had been estranged by her daughter and this mother was also praising her own mother for being so loving and wise,etc. it was just beautifully written and I wanted to share it with my mom to give her a glimpse of the pain I was experiencing over my own estrangement. My mom said something like, "Too bad, the writer didn't have some of the same good qualities that her mother had or she might not have been estranged." In other words, the estranged mother deserved it. I asked her how she could jump to the conclusion that it was the mothers fault after hearing the heartfelt story she had written? My mom just said she was entitled to her opinion and I told her I found that very hurtful because the mother in an estrangement scenario is not necessarily at fault. In fact, most of the estrangements I have read about or run into appear to be the fault of the estrangers themselves, or at least their choice. So yes, my mom has let me know in her usual passive aggressive manner that she blames me. I, too, blame myself for the mistakes I made (and I blame menopause and teenage hormones as well!) but I blame ED for choosing estrangement and for an unwillingness or possibly an inability intellectually to work through the problems. Maybe I have been too ready to accept blame when discussing the estrangement because I don't just want platitudes , I wanted a balanced discussion.
It was against the center's rules, but they let ED come home for my mom's funeral. During the funeral, we took some time to take ED out to dinner. I still remember that night. She was wonderful. She seemed so mature and seemed happy that we had sent her to center for help. She talked about her future.
7 months later she came home from center and was good for 9 months and then she went back to trouble.
I am sorry that your parents are blaming you.
Please see post under New Member.