Adoptive Parents of Estranged Children Community Group
Did your adopted teen/adult child reject you and sever all family ties? Come and share heartaches and comfort with others in the same situation as we try to piece our families back together. We particularly welcome adoptees who were estranged from their adoptive families and want to share how they found their way back home.
I am so relieved to have found this place! I've often thought about starting a website or something for parents of adopted children who have abandoned them. This happened within our family and I also come across so many others who have experienced the same thing. I speak around the country on other topics and sometimes people share their stories with me or the stories of a relative or friend whose adopted child or children seem to have utterly abandoned them once they were no longer needed. In each case, the parents experience shame, confusion, shock, grief, and judgment from others.
I called myself "forever family" because that is what we bought into, That adopting a child creates a "forever family" for the child and of course, for the parents. Not so in our case. I've often told my husband that I wished we had not adopted but done long term foster care instead, as my expectations would not have been so disappointed. I wish that the agencies educated families on what happens once the child is grown, the best and worst case scenarios. I wish the social workers and psychologists had warned us that no matter how much love, parenting, therapy, intervention, etc occurred, our children might not be capable of loving us back. I guess I just wished that something could have lessened the shock and horror for us.
In our case, causative factors seem to include mental illness: 4 with attachment disorder, 2 with borderline personality disorder, one is bi-polar. Those are within the first 2 sib sets we adopted. The last 4 we adopted were genetically related and a had a good first few years. They are my nieces and nephew. There's a lot to be said for the strength of genetics. When I was in college, they taught 50/50 in child development. 50% nature, 50% nurture. No way! Seems more like 95% nature, 5% nurture to me. If it were not for these last 4 and the wonderful relationships we have with them now they are adults, I would be utterly and completely devastated and disillusioned as a parent. Motherhood would have resulted in nothing but pain and loss. These children sometimes say to me, "We needed loving parents, and you needed loving kids, so this worked out perfectly!" But isn't that how every adopted child should feel toward the parents who gave them a second chance at a wonderful childhood, once it's time to grow up and turn around and say "Thank you!"
Well, that's a lot for now. I'll continue later. But I do want to share that after several years of angst and suffering, we both, my husband and I, do feel at peace. We feel we have perspective now, understanding of what happened and acceptance. We choose to go on and enjoy the parts of life that we can enjoy, the people who can give and receive love and the experiences ahead. We gave our best to parenting, and now it's time to give our best to other pursuits, without being crippled and hampered with chains of grief and longing. We are followers of Jesus and hope to have a perfectly satisfying relationship with all our children once in heaven. We pray toward that end. Looking forward to reading everything and learning from all your experiences and insights.
I called myself "forever family" because that is what we bought into, That adopting a child creates a "forever family" for the child and of course, for the parents. Not so in our case. I've often told my husband that I wished we had not adopted but done long term foster care instead, as my expectations would not have been so disappointed. I wish that the agencies educated families on what happens once the child is grown, the best and worst case scenarios. I wish the social workers and psychologists had warned us that no matter how much love, parenting, therapy, intervention, etc occurred, our children might not be capable of loving us back. I guess I just wished that something could have lessened the shock and horror for us.
In our case, causative factors seem to include mental illness: 4 with attachment disorder, 2 with borderline personality disorder, one is bi-polar. Those are within the first 2 sib sets we adopted. The last 4 we adopted were genetically related and a had a good first few years. They are my nieces and nephew. There's a lot to be said for the strength of genetics. When I was in college, they taught 50/50 in child development. 50% nature, 50% nurture. No way! Seems more like 95% nature, 5% nurture to me. If it were not for these last 4 and the wonderful relationships we have with them now they are adults, I would be utterly and completely devastated and disillusioned as a parent. Motherhood would have resulted in nothing but pain and loss. These children sometimes say to me, "We needed loving parents, and you needed loving kids, so this worked out perfectly!" But isn't that how every adopted child should feel toward the parents who gave them a second chance at a wonderful childhood, once it's time to grow up and turn around and say "Thank you!"
Well, that's a lot for now. I'll continue later. But I do want to share that after several years of angst and suffering, we both, my husband and I, do feel at peace. We feel we have perspective now, understanding of what happened and acceptance. We choose to go on and enjoy the parts of life that we can enjoy, the people who can give and receive love and the experiences ahead. We gave our best to parenting, and now it's time to give our best to other pursuits, without being crippled and hampered with chains of grief and longing. We are followers of Jesus and hope to have a perfectly satisfying relationship with all our children once in heaven. We pray toward that end. Looking forward to reading everything and learning from all your experiences and insights.
Not sure if you will get this post, but I want to mention that I did the same thing - posted before I realized that all the other posts were really old and this is a "dead" group. However, I did find some other groups that were helpful at the time on Daily Strength. Search under "estrangement" perhaps. There is a Christian Parents of Adult Children, Parents of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere (PEACE), and several others. I understand your pain and in fact just may have lost my only granddaughter to this mess yesterday. The pain is almost unbearable. And, yes, why didn't anyone at the agency warn us of this possibility or even likelihood? God bless you.
Maybe we can activate this group if some other adoptive parents would find us. God bless you also.
Although BM had both of her daughters removed by State and lost parental rights even after appeal (BD just said he didn't want the girls even though I doubt he would have been approved for custody anyway), I don't know if BM fully deserved that fate or if poverty was the primary barrier to her properly caring for her kids. "Failure to protect" her girls from sexual abuse was the biggest factor in losing her kids. Yet my ED seems to hold no grudges except against the actual perps - granddad, step-father and various men in and out of the extended family's lifestyle.
Well, I'm rambling as I tend to do. I'm just so unsettled in my heart and mind. Can't find a good place to be in my head. Guilt, regrets, anger, bitterness, hope, embarrassment, feelings of worthlessness, and most of all my desire to do the right thing (whatever that may be,) and listen to/obey God.....are all swirling around inside of me. I'm weary. How did you find peace?
I learned that MANY adoptive parents, especially of older children, are going through this ordeal.
I learned about attachment disorder and the grown -up version of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) which is borderline personality disorder.
I considered the children's genetic propensities and early learning. To me, genetics is huge in making us who we are. Parents are selfish, immature, live-for-pleasure, user types? Sometimes diligent training and excellent modeling do not overcome the genetics.
I considered the alternative. Take one of my EDs for instance. Past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior, do I really want a lifetime of manipulative requests, vicious rages, lies spread about me to every mutual acquaintance, repeated re-connections then brutal rejections, caustic letters, emails, demands, dismissals. etc? After reviewing this daughter's treatment of the family since her teen years, maybe estrangement is not the worst alternative.
I grieve for what we could have had, what was offered to this daughter, the potential that was there, the hopes I had since she was three and came into my life. But I've learned that I can't reason productively with someone who is incapable of common reason. And all the love I offer to someone who does not seem to have the capacity to truly love another, well, love is never wasted, but sometimes it will not be returned. And we just have to accept that. As far as continuing to reach out, send gifts, include in the will, send birthday cards, etc. I think of the scripture (paraphased) "Don't cast your pearls before swine." I'm not comparing our kids to pigs here. It's just quoting what the Bible says. It just means, don't keep distributing precious things like love and care and our lives and energies to someone who tramples that all under foot and destroys it. There are many people in the world who are ready to receive love and care. I found my grief over my ECs to be debilitating and draining, leaving me little left to share with others. So, I had to find a way to accept, let go, and move on. I pray you will find that too. Should some of these children come back into our lives later and bring reconciliation, then that would be wonderful! But I'm not going to suffocate from holding my breath. I gave my kids the best childhood I possibly could and many opportunities for a good adult relationship with their parents. They don't want it. I can't wish and worry it into being. So, I accept their choices and I'm moving on with positive choices for myself and the rest of the family. Sometimes it seems to me like what divorce must feel like. Many good memories, but a rift that seems irreparable, so both go their separate ways. I sure am not finished thinking and praying about this and look forward to gaining more understanding from others. Be blessed and comforted.
Nevertheless, I'm so glad to have found this site. I, too, sometimes wish we had been foster parents instead of adoptive parents - but my reason is purely selfish - I'm so ashamed of her choices, I don't want to have the same last name. But now I hear by the Facebook grapevine that she is marrying one of her bad choices, so that will resolve itself - if you can call that a resolution.
I'm trying so hard to rely on God - but how do you find the peace to move on? Just when I think I've done that, something happens and the wound opens up again. Why aren't people treating me like someone I love has died - because that's exactly what has happened! Instead they look at me as if I must have done something wrong. (This is part of her lying and manipulation - she has my whole family fooled.) I guess that's my fault - there's so much I kept hidden from them over the years because I was ashamed of her behavior. I painted the picture of a "The Waltons" family. That's the kind of family I grew up in, and that's the kind of family I tried to have. But this daughter just didn't want that.