I feel both. Intellectually, I know that I have done all I can to show them love and to help them heal. At the same time, emotionally I feel that I'm a failure as a mother, because what I have done was not enough, or maybe too much, or maybe I was too strict, or too lenient, or maybe if ....

So I read a dozen more books, try still another therapeutic approach, try a new homeopathic treatment, rearrange their rooms according to their Feng Shui charts, try aromatherapy, hypnosis, self-hypnosis, subliminal affirmations, neurofeedback, neurolinguistic reprogramming, massage, and a couple of dozen other things.

And in the end, I´m still a victim of the quantum paradox of motherhood, because there is no objective measure of whether outcomes are the result of my actions, there is no objective way of knowing what would have happened had I acted differently.

So I act, do what I feel is right, and live with the knowledge that I have done the right thing and with the pain of being a failure as a mother because ultimately, to me, the only measure of success as a mother is the love my children have for me and right now I have 2 daughters who hate me.

Thank you for sharing all this therealmom. That is very insightful and it showed me what the other side is feeling, meaning you the mother. I really thank you for that.
I do wish you would know and realize that just because your daughter hates you, doesn't mean that you failed as a mother. Look how much you put into this whole thing. you loved this child and you did your part, the other part is up to her. You didn't fail. You tried and that's all you could have done in this given situation. Please believe me. You are such an awesome and amazing mother. You're a beautiful person.

GreenT,
You amaze me, you are quite beyond your years. That response was exactly what I was going to say on this subject with Therealmom. WE need to stop seeing our children's shallow love as an indicator of success. It may be years before our children realized if at all how hurtful they were, but it does not indicate whether or not we were good mothers. Ask yourself, do they want independence? Do they want to take care of themselves? To me, that is an accomplishment with these children. My AS has had a change of heart during this time of RTC, and he is realizing we weren't so bad, after all. These kids just don't like rules, that's all. They don't like it when we discipline them for not respecting our home rules. I think they just get mad b/c they don't want anyone telling them how to live. I don't know, I may be long on this, it's just how I see it.

I think and actually believe that the kind of kids you're talking about are the ones that never grew up with healthy rules. If they had rules, they were very distorted, and so that's all they know. See... the past will always affect us no matter what. It's how we cope with it that matters. What already happened can not be changed.
Lets take PTSD for example, ... I have it, and it effects me every single day. But that is already there so all I can do is learn to take each situation individually, look at it from the outside, and than take matters into my own hands. It takes so much practice to be able to do that.
Like I said earlier, don't give up just yet.

GreenT:
Your answers are amazing. I have never seen it that way. You are exactly right, coping skills are very important in these cases. Another interesting analysis addition is your contribution of healthy versus unhealthy boundaries, this aspect could be at the root; These children cannot seem to "get" the fact that the boundaries are there b/c we care not b/c we are trying to run their lives and make things difficult or inconvenient for them.

Very good insights you have, you astound me. You would make an excellent Adoption worker! I like your style.

Thank you for encouraging me, I was in tears when I read your last line.

Thank you for the kind worlds daslbenson. But please know, I'm not that great after all. I have my faults. The things I speak of are from experience just as the ones you speak about.
I love hearing about what you have to say because you give me such a great insight as to what the parent is going through. Gosh do I wish I could change things and do them differently.

Thank you for the kind words daslbenson. But please know, I'm not that great after all. I have my faults. The things I speak of are from experience just as the ones you speak about.
I love hearing about what you have to say because you give me such a great insight as to what the parent is going through. Gosh do I wish I could change things and do them differently.

I also understand how kids want independence, but when we're paying for college and all the trimmings, they are not yet independent. Our estranged adopted daughter maxed out credit cards that we didn't know she had and then lied about it. Now the collection agencies are calling us because we still have a land line, and they can't find her because she has only a cell. That is not independence - that is irresponsibility.

Can you tell I'm angry? I'm tired of painting a Norman Rockwell picture that is false.

I'm so glad to hear from other moms. You all sound like intelligent, good-head-on-your-shoulders people. And doesn't it help to know that others are going through the same thing? That's the way God created us - to need others.

My ED did cut all ties and dependence on me when she very suddenly left shortly after we returned from a mother/daughter cruise which was a HS graduation present. It was easy for her to leave because of various enablers, especially her new found boyfriend (cognitively disabled or seemingly so as is ED), His parents just let her move in and shack up with their son the night of their first "date". She was a good catch for this family since she still had most of her graduation money from my family plus school money since she also dropped out of college (although she was close to being kicked out anyway). I later heard she spent hundreds at a bowling alley, treating all her "friends". So sad to see her blow through everything so quickly and then I started getting collector calls from the college, etc. She has been gone for 3 years now (except for a 5-month return home with baby) and has not yet held a job. She has moved at least 5 times. She has had 4 or 5 BF's that I've managed to catch glimpses of on FB. She is desperate and she is searching. I was there many years ago also, but I wasn't bringing a baby along for the ride. I hope she survives and that the baby doesn't suffer because of the chaos. I think she is happy at her bio mom's house. From what she told me, she has no responsibilities for housework, meals, etc. Bio mom is taking over at least decision making as far as the baby, seemingly.

Mrngsun, it is very good to find others experiencing the same things. I remember back when I first found an estrangement site, what a relief it was and how much useful information I found. But! I am a slow learner and have trouble moving on so I need to get reenforcement. Thanks for your contributions.

I used to feel like it was all my fault. Now? I think apples don't fall far from trees. One only has so much control and the older our children become the more they become who they really are, for better or worse.