This is a letter that I wrote beck in Dec. that I had journaled. I wrote it because I wanted to tell the mother that I will never get to meet some of the things that were going through my mind at the time. I am sharing it here with all of you so that you might see a little part of me.

Dear Lita,
How do I ever begin to tell you what I'm feeling inside? I have been searching for you for 31 years now, ever since I was 18.

Back in 2004 I received a lengthy letter telling me much about the things that you had gone through and what brought you to giving me up for adoption. I am so saddened with the fact that your own parents died when you were an infant. I'm saddened that you had to be raised in the foster system. I'm saddened that you dropped out of high school in your senior year.

My heart aches at the fact that you divorced your husband when your 2 children were just babies. When I found this out I was so very angry. How could you do that? How could you leave them? Being a mother myself I just can't imagine it!!!! But as I kept reading the letter, understanding came. You married at a young age (18) to a much older man. He probably helped you to feel the security that you had longed for. You had been a loner through your school years, and I'm sure you probably had feelings of hate towards yourself, and others. I know how this feels!!!!!!!!

Soon after you divorced you became pregnant again. You weren't married and back in the early 50's I'm sure you were really scared. How were you ever going to take care of a child? So you made the decision to give it up right after it(he)was born. I'm sure it brought much saddness into your already fragile spirit. But you must have cared about him because you wanted a better life for him than you could give him.

You wandered around for awhile, and I'm sure you felt so very lost and alone. You finally got a job in a donut shop where you met a guy that paid attention to you. You had feelings for him. You decided that you wanted to marry him, but couldn't go through with it because you remembered how miserable you were with your first marriage. So you left him and went wandering again.

Life by now must have felt pretty crappy. No friends, no one to confide in, no one to share any dreams that you might have had. How sad I feel for you. When you had gotten arrested for robbery(and this wasn't the first time)you were glad you had gotten caught, at least in prison you'd have someone to talk to.

When you got to prison you found out that you were pregnant with me. By the time I was born you had decided to keep me in your life so you had me placed in foster care, hoping that when you got out you would be able to take care of me. I will spare you the details of my life there!

I read that after awhile you realized that you were going to be in prison for awhile and you didn't want me to be raised in foster care because you had bad experiences with it when you were growing up. So you decided to let me be adopted so that I could have two parents raise me, unlike what you had. Again you were not thinking about yourself and what you wanted, but about what was best for me. Thank you for that!

I don't want to bring saddness into your life so I won't tell you how my life was when I was growing up. That isn't the point of this letter. The point is that I want to tell you that I love you!!!!! You gave me a chance at life when you were at a low in your own. I know that you didn't want me to know of your time in prison, about your depression, about the time you spent in a mental hospital with a diganosis of schizophrina, of being labled as mentally retarded. How sad for you!

But you must have gotten better for you were able to marry once again. And not only that, you were able to have 3 more children.

How I long to meet them. How I long to know more about you. How I wish with all my heart that you could be a part of my life. How I wish that you could meet the wonderful man that I married. And oh how I wish that you could meet the 4 beautiful grandkids that you have by me. And yes, even the 4 wonderful greatgrandkids that you have also. How grand that would be!!!!!

I have written a letter to one of your daughters from your last marriage. My insides are so tied up in knots!! I had given up all hope in ever finding you, let alone anyone that is blood related to me.

I will always love you!!!!!! Even though I have had my share of saddness in this life so far, I will always be so very grateful that you gave me a chance to live. I haven't always felt this way, but I do now. And I hope and pray that the way I feel inside now will not ever leave.

I believe that there is a life after we leave this earth. I feel that someday we will have the chance to finally meet and talk. and I believe that I will someday be able to put my arms around you and tell you in person how much I really love you!!!!!!!!!

Your daughter Laurie

(or should I say the name that you gave me, Linda Marie)