I am a recovering addict and my husband is a "functioning" alcoholic. And yes, we have a beautiful 6 year old boy between us. We try our hardest to disguise our flaws but kids pick up on things. I, recently, 32 days ago, came off of Adderall. Stimulants are my drug of choice, which caused me to be basically hypomanic for the last year and a half!! Prior to that,  I had a horrible addiction to pain meds, opiates. The opiate addiction lasted about a year and prior to that, I never battled addiction. My marriage has gone through hell and we are trying to make it back, but, I'm still getting to baseline myself and I'm so wrapped up with rumination in my mind all day everyday!!! 

I had an affair last March that was a ongoing for about 4 months. I was ready to leave my husband and son, and begin a new life with this man. However, no one would literally let me. My mom and husband somehow dealt with my shit and blamed it on being bipolar 2 and abusing the Adderall which did indeed make me manic as hell. I believe it may have had a big influence in my decision making skills, but, I ended up calling it quits with the other guy because I did still love my husband and I knew I wasn't well.

Finally, I surrendered to my problems and have been clean and on this "new to medicine" lamictal for about 5 weeks. I just graduated an amazing intensive outpatient program as well.  During this struggle my husband admitted he has also had a recent affair!! I have had times where I haven't wanted to stay clean, but, then I think of my own life and of course, my child's life and I am able to get grounded and remember to stay selfless and humble. 

My husband claims he is no longer in touch with the other woman and we have both come to an agreement to give this marriage one last shot. We started marriage counseling this past Tuesday, and it was okay. With it being only our first time, we only got so far with it. It's just so hard! He is so distant and I am so bored and always full of anxiety wondering what he is feeling. He really hasn't taken ownership for his mistake and I have taken full ownership. I admired to my mistakes and I know I messed up and I am working so hard toward a better life and I am trying to make up for what I have damaged by living a better life and making better choices. He still sits outback and drinks every night and is not communicating at all. He doesn't really even look at me. He will say short "hello how are you" and "I'm going to bed" etc. he doesn't touch me or even hardly ever text me back or answer any calls I make. He is always working, which I understand is important. 

My intuition is trying to tell me something, I'm just so sad. Through all of this trouble and pain I believe we should really give us some time to simplify and be done with the suffering. I am always reminding myself I can't control his actions and thoughts l, only mine. I just think he has a plan to leave soon. Maybe after the finances get better or when his "lover" that he supposedly no longer keeps in touch with is ready, or after our son is settled in school in September. 

If this is the case, I think he should tell me. I just have this feeling inside that he is planning something. He's never around, at all. He said he wants to go to counseling again this Tuesday. I guess that's a good sign. It's hard because I still do love him and I really want our marriage to work. I don't want to look desperate and cry in front of him. I also don't want to seem like a bitch and push him away more. Ugh.