After 5 years in sobriety, I had built a real life and it was actually moving in the right direction --- forward. I felt comfortable in my own skin, as they say, had people supporting me, and was making real advancements in my life and emotional sobriety. As many turning points happen in my life, it came at the end of a relationship where I made the "decision" to pull away from AA and be a social drinker. It was becoming harder and harder to have a relationship or be friends with normies and not be on the outside of social situations or berated with questions because I wasn't drinking. I now wanted more than what I saw in meetings. And it didn't matter what meetings I went to, I saw the same people, with the same struggles, not getting ahead, just existing through AA. I don't want to spend the rest of my life talking about not drinking. I wanted spirituality and to "trudge the road of happy destiny". I wanted a life more like the friends I had outside of the group. So being that it was a "rational" decision, I did it on my own and it first was it truly strange to have a drink in my hand. I didn't like feeling buzzed again. I was ashamed to buy beer for fear of someone spotting me. That was in the beginning. But as predicted, my drinking did pick up pace and I am about on par with where I first left it all those years ago. I am not getting many of the "yets" yet but with enough time and poor judgment, I'll get there. I deeply want an emotionally satisfying life surrounded by people who love and care about me. That has been my search forever. Every time I fail, either alcohol had a bit role in it or it was there to escape to a deeper depression with. Every time I drink now it makes me depressed. Even though it's logical, it's still the strangest thing. To go to something as an escape - a way to remove yourself from the people and world that hurts you - only to be hurt more by that thing? There are very few healthy relationships that are produced in AA. I was tired of getting sucked under by all the dysfunction and chaos. But there isn't a lot of true connections made with people in the "real world" either. Everything seems so static. I don't know where I belong and I don't know if I belong drinking but for now I'll follow the advice, "when you don't know, don't do. Pray."