acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Every weekend I go through the same thrill and nightmare as the weekend before. The thrill comes on Friday when I get out of work... a whole weekend of resting and relaxing awaits me.
The nightmare starts when the sun starts going down on Saturday... and by tomorrow night my stomach will be in knots. It is insane to be like this but the messages of my childhood and from my marriage are very strong... and that is whatever I do I will be questioned and shamed for doing one thing instead of another. And what I am talking about is paying my bills.
For years I wouldn't look at bills during the week. And it was just because of this reason... it makes me a nervous wreck. And for years it worked. But the ex didn't like this method and started opening the bills during the week and raising hell about them. Even though they were current and it didn't hurt anything to wait to the weekend to look at them and pay them.
After she started opening them I would be asked at 9 PM or 10 PM when I was going to pay this and how much money we would have if this got paid and not that. It destroyed my sleep and in the course of the last five years of my marriage I lost all confidence in what I was doing.
I can pay bills and manage my money and live comfortably and I have been for over ten months now... but when the weekend comes I get antsy looking at the bills. She really made me feel very inadequate with bill paying.
But I still fear doing it. It is like a person that can't stand being in a confined space... I don't understand it but I know their fear is real. I don't understand this fear with me.. I KNOW how to manage money, so why can't I erase those messages and just pay the darn things.
You see part of my fear is running out of money before my next payday... so I want to have some emergency funds just in case... so do I pay this bill or wait another week in case I need a prescription filled... it just drives me nuts.
As tomorrow approaches I'm already dreaming of Monday... I am a bright and intelligent human being and it just amazes me when you hear a message for so long, starting as a child, that I made bad choices, those messages just linger on...
Not sure if this helped or not... just needed to ramble and hoped that some of this confusion would go away...
Thanks for being here,
Dave
The nightmare starts when the sun starts going down on Saturday... and by tomorrow night my stomach will be in knots. It is insane to be like this but the messages of my childhood and from my marriage are very strong... and that is whatever I do I will be questioned and shamed for doing one thing instead of another. And what I am talking about is paying my bills.
For years I wouldn't look at bills during the week. And it was just because of this reason... it makes me a nervous wreck. And for years it worked. But the ex didn't like this method and started opening the bills during the week and raising hell about them. Even though they were current and it didn't hurt anything to wait to the weekend to look at them and pay them.
After she started opening them I would be asked at 9 PM or 10 PM when I was going to pay this and how much money we would have if this got paid and not that. It destroyed my sleep and in the course of the last five years of my marriage I lost all confidence in what I was doing.
I can pay bills and manage my money and live comfortably and I have been for over ten months now... but when the weekend comes I get antsy looking at the bills. She really made me feel very inadequate with bill paying.
But I still fear doing it. It is like a person that can't stand being in a confined space... I don't understand it but I know their fear is real. I don't understand this fear with me.. I KNOW how to manage money, so why can't I erase those messages and just pay the darn things.
You see part of my fear is running out of money before my next payday... so I want to have some emergency funds just in case... so do I pay this bill or wait another week in case I need a prescription filled... it just drives me nuts.
As tomorrow approaches I'm already dreaming of Monday... I am a bright and intelligent human being and it just amazes me when you hear a message for so long, starting as a child, that I made bad choices, those messages just linger on...
Not sure if this helped or not... just needed to ramble and hoped that some of this confusion would go away...
Thanks for being here,
Dave
I experience something so very similar. I feel such a sense of relief when I send a pile (it's usually a pile) of bills out. Put them in the mailbox and ahhhhh. Relief. Then, as the days go by....and continue to go by...the anxiety starts to build because I know the time is coming around again to open that draw where I keep them and look at them. Sometimes I even avoid opening that particular draw where they are.....if I don't see them then they're not really there!!
I also struggle with the decisions of which bill is the priority, what if I need that money for an emergency?.....Did I make the right choice sending that bill? I even thought about having them paid automatically, from my online account so I wouldn't have to deal with them. But, I need to be in control of when the money is taken out just "in case" i might need it. Frustrating and stressful!! I am not an irresponsible person nor am I incapable of managing a checkbook. Finances are a sore spot with me....as is the self-esteem thing. I worry that I won't be able to take care of myself and my son and that something will go terribly wrong because of a bad decision I might make with my money.
So yeah.....I'm with you on this one!! Thanks for listening!!
I think your ex wilfully and knowingly eroded all thoughts of self confidence and belief in your own capability probably because in some twisted way by playing a game of power she was projecting her own inadequacies through you and found out a way that for sure would hurt you and bring back some past pain by lashing at you over unpaid bills and questioning your ability to pay them off. Today it is very clear that you are extremely capable and most confident of paying them off so that is the message you have to listen and not that other one and yes I sadly I must say those negative messages seem to have far more ability and capability to finish off our esteem then anything else Augh!
my family and I went through one of the worst financial hardships some years back when we were literally managing to scrape day by day, month by month. There were a number of factors that lead to the crisis but we somehow managed to get through it and today by the grace of God we are doing alright but that fear has never left my mother or me. My mother can in fact drive me crazy at times with the way she squirrels a part of the money about 10% always referring to some day in the future where we might become broke or face some financial catastrophe. But I can understand that paranoia also as I too have started the habit of putting all my loose change into a money box and when that becomes full converting into currency and putting that away as a small savings. Fiscal prudence is my mantra after that terrible meltdown we had.
When I moved out my (or should I say "our") finances were a mess. It was a major source for arguing and I never really had a say in it. I just finally gave up trying to discuss it and then started just paying bills I knew needed to be paid before the ex saw any money. That worked for awhile until, she started spending money before I got paid.
Then I just quit entirely. She wanted to do it all... go for it... I was done. Well... when I moved out it was a total nightmare. 99% of the bills we had, excluding, mortgage and utilities and such, were medical bills.
The ex had a habit of charging prescriptions and never paying them, until they quit letting her charge. When I moved I had an $800 bill. It is thin gs like that.... doctors clinics and hospitals... yes they will let you charge but sooner or later you need to pay.
That was part of my fear when I moved. Everything was dumped on me and I knew it was bad... but not THIS bad. Anyway, it has taken me ten months and there is just a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. What started with eight major bills... is down to two major ones... it is coming back together but man it can be so stressful...
I have been homeless. I never want to go there again and it is a fear that springs up at the slighest sniff of a financial hiccup. If some money goes into my bank late.......HOMELESSNESS screams me in the face from my own mind.
Given my current circumstances it is probably irrational. However the recession and seeing people living in tents did reignite that fear. i will never hand over financial control to anyone else. But of course, a little worm in my head says ...what if you're to ill to work....what if.....what if..........but I still prefer to live with the illusion of having some kind of control over it!!!
Truth is I am happy living in a tiny one room studio apartment no bigger than a cupboard - aslong as it is safe, quiet and preferably warm. I am not a materialistic person at all, so aslong as my basic needs are met, I guess I have no need to be so panicky re this issue. It is old stuff......but my goodness it can be powerful old stuff! *smiling* It can create terror for me.......I have to then bring it back to the day.........stay in the day...........but the underlying fear remains.
K xx
Even today, I am still affected. I feel very uneasy if I cannot pinpoint where I spent money. I have tried to relax this excessive worry, but it's still there. So, I try to work around it by doing the very thing that puts me at ease. I worked out a monthly budget plan. I track my spending. For the past 20 years or so, I have used the envelope method and have a software program for it. It doesn't make the uneasiness go away completely, but at least I feel like I am mastering my fear in some ways.
Dave, you are doing great. You really are.