acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Recently after a discussion about how the 12 Steps are really kind of shaming and blaming to an ACOA and an abuse survivor. As I looked at it, I began to agree some more with that thought. The 12 Steps the way they are written are blaming the child for things beyond their control.
This is the 4th Step of ACOA, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I was a child... I just wanted a simple life like every other "normal" child had. So what kind of inventory could I take.
The 5th Step says, "Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.' What were my wrongs? What I did I did to survive.
When ACOA was being formed and the discussion of the 12 Steps came about, a few people wanted to adopted the 12 Steps adapted by a member named Tony A. Tony believed that the 12 Steps of AA were great for alcoholics, but kind of hard on an ACOA... in a way the 12 Steps of AA were pushing the blame on an innocent child and only reinforcing the belief that as a child we were worthless.
This was Tony's 4th Step, "We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them." And this is his 5th, "We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment." Quite a difference in these two steps... Tony was basically getting back into inner child work and applying the 12 Steps... not blaming anyone... but finding the humility to say we had no power.
Here is Step 8 of modern day ACOA, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Here is Tony's, "We became willing to open ourselves to receive the unconditional love of our Higher Power."
And Step 9 of ACOA, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." And Tony's? "We became willing to accept our own unconditional love by understanding that our Higher Power loves us unconditionally." Instead of finding fault with our childhoods, which our parents reminded us of all to often, Tony wanted us to find the love that came from our HP and through other people.
I am going to start looking at these steps a little closer because while I have done the 12 Steps of ACOA, they have always shamed me and I thought it was the healing process... now I'm starting to wonder if I was just abusing my inner child some more.
Here is a link to a blog that has a lot of info on the early days of ACOA and Tony A's 12 Steps
http://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2010/01/09/the-original-adult-children-of-alcoholics-12-steps-of-recovery-by-tony-a/
This is the 4th Step of ACOA, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I was a child... I just wanted a simple life like every other "normal" child had. So what kind of inventory could I take.
The 5th Step says, "Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.' What were my wrongs? What I did I did to survive.
When ACOA was being formed and the discussion of the 12 Steps came about, a few people wanted to adopted the 12 Steps adapted by a member named Tony A. Tony believed that the 12 Steps of AA were great for alcoholics, but kind of hard on an ACOA... in a way the 12 Steps of AA were pushing the blame on an innocent child and only reinforcing the belief that as a child we were worthless.
This was Tony's 4th Step, "We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them." And this is his 5th, "We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment." Quite a difference in these two steps... Tony was basically getting back into inner child work and applying the 12 Steps... not blaming anyone... but finding the humility to say we had no power.
Here is Step 8 of modern day ACOA, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Here is Tony's, "We became willing to open ourselves to receive the unconditional love of our Higher Power."
And Step 9 of ACOA, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." And Tony's? "We became willing to accept our own unconditional love by understanding that our Higher Power loves us unconditionally." Instead of finding fault with our childhoods, which our parents reminded us of all to often, Tony wanted us to find the love that came from our HP and through other people.
I am going to start looking at these steps a little closer because while I have done the 12 Steps of ACOA, they have always shamed me and I thought it was the healing process... now I'm starting to wonder if I was just abusing my inner child some more.
Here is a link to a blog that has a lot of info on the early days of ACOA and Tony A's 12 Steps
http://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2010/01/09/the-original-adult-children-of-alcoholics-12-steps-of-recovery-by-tony-a/
Thanks!!
yea, face it, look at my wounds.....realize that he was the problem, but I CAN B the solution now that I am OLD ENUF 2...
I always said that it is not on my chart, the things I did wen I was so young and helpless and then so mentally ill, but now that I have gotten away from the hell and have kind of *seen* how healthy living can B, yea, now if i screw up, its on me
VERY good points
Thank you so much for bringing this out into the open, I often wonder how many other Acoas feel the same deep inside. As an Acoa I can often feel "I must be wrong - everybody else seems to get/accept it".
Well maybe they don't. Maybe we are more right and in tune with our feelings and natural justice than we know. The term character defects I feel is WAY too strong for many acoas - just seems plain wrong. maybe they could be called 'unhelpful learnt behaviours' but to label them character defects goes beyond the pale for me.
Thank you once again for having the courage to openly question things. Thank you.
Hats off to you for keeping such a fertile open mind. Inspirational.
That is incredibly powerful. I admire your courage in daring to question.
In fact recently, I went to a business of someone I used to work with years ago. He has gone out on his own, opened his own business and just expanded. I congratulated him and then told him I wanted to apologize for behaving like a spoiled brat way back then, trying to make him uncomfortable and miserable as I was at the time. He said it wasn't necessary. But I said it was, said sorry and that was it.
I wondered if it really was necessary. And it really was. For ME. Because every timie I thought about that time in my life, I felt embarassed by how I had acted. He probably hadn't given it antoher though over all those years. But I had and it weighed on me. So for that reason I did try and make ammends. Because now I can let it go.
M
I am one of those people who (even though feel very at home with other ACAs) never has been willing to work the ACA 12-steps because I feel a real aversion looking at my past with an attitude that implies I had a choice. I didn't. So I truly appreciate a different view especially on Step 4 and 5 as they relate to my childhood.
When it comes to my conduct today, I find that a daily inventory is essential to my peace of mind. My codependent mind naturally obsesses on anything I might have done different or may have said or done wrong to another being. Taking inventory each day or sometimes even on the spot when I feel uncertainty move in, isn't just to free my mind from guilt or shame.
All too often, taking inventory is seen as a drag, a rather unpleasant way to keep score of the wrongs. Sure, my daily review usually helps me see where I need to make amends before I get to that point of regret and shame. But, it also helps me recognize when I reacted impulsively and can then guide me in future responses. Opportunity for growth. It also shows me who contributed to my world, who supported me, nurtured me. Gratitude! And I get to take a look at how I affected people and the world around me, assess how I make a positive difference in someone else's life.
I really like the idea of examining different writings and different ways to practice a recovery program. Thanks so much for sharing and I look forward to learning more.
:-)
#### I agree so much with this a "defect" just doesn't cut it w/me...call it wound..injury...coping skills...but a "defect" that turns my stomache...always did...I am glad others feel the same way......yea, i had my own imperfections...i didn't need my offender helping me develope more imperfections, but that is wot happend...i did what i had 2 do 2 stay alive and 2 keep my sanity , and sometimes I wonder if i AM *sane*.....maybe i will never B whole..i may not and that enuf is enuf 2 grieve over...i am sick 2 death of grieving......that bastard had a choice....i did not.......that is my take....
another way i develope compassion 4 myself is to go around the neighborhood and look at children my age wen the hell began....i look at those innocent, and helpless kids and think "wow, that was me" and he did't have the bollux 2 pick on someone his equal....he had all the power...all the control.....no, i do not have "defects"....i have coping skills that i am WORKING ON...
just my take...and thank U , Dave 4 bring up this thread
One thing to consider is that, for folks like us [codies, adult children, Al-Anons, pick one or more], working a Step 4 inventory brings us in touch with how we have harmed _ourselves_. It forces us to look at thoughts and behaviors that we used to survive childhood and have carried forward to the present - and many of those thoughts and behaviors hurt us and our relationships in the present day. In that light, those mal-adaptations could be construed as "character defects" because they are keeping me from living my life to the fullest.
Perhaps the thing to remember most of all is that I have wounds that need healing, attitudes and behaviors that need changing to something more healthy, and I need my HP's help and guidance to make those changes. A Step 4 inventory helps me to identify and clarify those things so HP and I can work on them.
Blessings all.
As a kid, I felt a lot of guilt when my mom drank. I felt it was because of something I did... so naturally when dad came home from work and beat her... it was all my fault.
Just the way that it is written with "blameless" in there, I can honestly look at it without feeling guilt and without pushing the shame back on my parents.
And the more I look at it, with my life, before the program, I had become my parents and that wasn't a pretty sight when I recognized it...